


We'll Never Be Heroes

by Hezakai (Jadedphase), Jadedphase



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Angst, Complicated People, Drug Use, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Not connected to season 2 at all, Recovery, Slow Build, Trauma, eventual rating rise, mention of OC (past), mentions of abuse, mentions of rape (referenced past), mostly canon up to the end of the TV show, spoilers for the book and TV show
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-09
Updated: 2018-08-22
Packaged: 2018-10-16 21:06:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 55,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10579494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jadedphase/pseuds/Hezakai, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jadedphase/pseuds/Jadedphase
Summary: Healing is no easy process; be it from a broken body or a broken home. Justin knows he has lost everything to circumstances and choices he has made, everything but Alex.  But Alex has lost the will to continue. Guilt can eat people up from the inside out and one bad choice leaves the both of them fighting a weary battle with themselves and for each other.





	1. Chapter 1

The terrifying thing about hospitals, to Justin, was the implication that they were huge, looming, sterile places where people went to die. Walls of bland white and tile floors that made washing away the blood easier when things went wrong, air perfumed with antiseptic to cover the hopeless fog of death that the rooms reeked of.  
It might have been dramatic, but lately, Justin was feeling far more dramatic than his usual self. Something broken, perhaps, between the moment when a girl he might have helped decided to end her life to the seconds when the girl he loved and didn't try hard enough to save from circumstance might as well have ended his with her sharp words.

And Jess was right; she harbored a pain he could not imagine, and one he could not forgive himself for trying to hide under the guise of keeping her safe. But the lie always came creeping up in the back of his throat like thick bile; he had sacrificed that love for the sake of the approval and desperate loyalty to someone who hadn't deserved it.

He had thought, long and hard in the hours he had snuck into that cold room and lingered like a poisoned memory, about how ultimately nobody was ever really innocent.

Alex hadn't been, no more than the rest of them; there was no way to argue that the oddly resolved teen did not hold part of the blame for that suffocating cloud that was the truth; the roles they all played in ending Hanna's life.  
None of them were innocent; Justin had come to accept it.

As surely as he had accepted that his mother was going to pick whatever man showed her attention over the well being of her own son; that wound still cut deep but Justin simply had no way of healing it. Time might, if he would have time; lately that possibility had felt shaky.

And maybe he would have guessed at the notion that one of them would crack, that one of their guilty little group would fall apart; but Alex was not the one he expected. Not the starkly intense but strangely understanding young man; if anything Justin thought Alex was beyond caring what trouble came his way.

It should have been a warning; Justin knew that now.

Justin had been a ghost in that hospital room every night since he had heard the news; watchful and determined that if Alex were to wake up in the dark hours of the night he would be there. The daylight drove him away; those were the hours Alex's father visited, eyes filled with confusion and pain, and his brother with the tired weight on his shoulders from nightmare thoughts of not knowing how he had overlooked the ache pulling Alex apart from the inside.  
Daylight belonged to Alex's family, his few other friends who showed up with guilt written on their faces for shorter and shorter spans of time until they stopped coming and only sent cards Alex could not read behind his shut eyes and flowers that withered before they were thrown away; he left those gestures to the days while nights were his hours to keep.

The only exception had been once, one miserable evening when he had arrived back at his usual dusky hour to find none other than Clay standing in silent observation of the form that seemed so horribly too-small in that large bed. The pause between the two of them; surprise heavy in Clay's voice when he choked out a greeting that Justin didn't bother to return as he moved to slump in the spot he occupied every evening, it had drawn on for long moments.

"I'm sorry," Clay broke first with a whisper strained through chapped lips, "I didn't even think he would...I wasn't even paying attention to realize." 

The words had died in a trailed off sound as Clay had fidgeted and sought out more, but found none; giving Justin time to find his own voice in a near swell of weariness that spread from the pit of his stomach and rose to almost choke him as he spat a reply. 

"Maybe this one wasn't on you Jensen; you want to save the world that's fine but this one," Justin's voice had caught in his throat like sticky webs as his tone turned from venom to pain, "this one was on people who knew him better than you."

As shocking as the words struck Clay some part of him must have seen some truth in them; he and Alex had been distant friends, perhaps in some moment he had glimpsed the kindness that Alex offered in his own quiet way but there was something Justin could not hold out of his gaze that swam with a guilt Clay himself had felt while he had listened to those tapes. It was an ache that came from knowing you had failed someone who had meant something; even if that something was never truly clear. 

Clay had left him in peace after that brief encounter; he had no desire for the self-proclaimed defender of the damned to linger and offer him comfort because Justin felt he deserved none. He should have known, somehow; and Clay knew it as well even if he only cast a glance laced with pity and worry his direction as he had slipped away. 

There were no tapes; there was no reason anyone could reach for that time.

Justin did all that he could; he stayed. He slept, at times, tucked into a chair in the corner and the nurses took pity and pretended he wasn't there; it was ironic that even as he lay in a sterile bed with tubes trying to drip the life back into his shattered body Alex still was the one helping him by giving him a place to rest. There was no home to go to, not anymore; only showers after practice and hastily cleaned clothes there, meals eaten at school until that luck ran out, and Alex's hospital room for restless sleep at night.  
No more Jess to steady him as she put her life back together and no more Bryce to control him, no more mom or simple luxuries; home had become four walls, a chair, and a bedside vigil over a sleeping boy as pale as the sheets he lay wrapped up in.

Alex had become home.

And it had been true before then, before the gunshot that had only narrowly missed taking Alex away forever; it had been Alex who had answered the phone, who had opened the door to give him a rare chance without strings. Alex who had always asked the hard questions but never the unkind ones; and Justin realized nearly too late that when Jess needed more than he could ever be it was Alex he wanted to run back to the safety of.

More family than he had ever known with his own, more support than he had ever felt he deserved; and he had taken it for granted.

As he sat for what felt like the hundredth night, all the days had long ago blurred together, with hands resting on the edge of the bed near enough to almost touch Alex's thin arm and only barely held back from it; Justin tried to will him to wake up. He had nothing left and his lifeline was slipping away with the last friend he could claim to still have; if Alex still wanted him as even that.

The terrifying possibility that Alex would wake up, full of anger and righteous misery, and blame him for not being there to stop him was one that plagued Justin more than he wanted to admit. Because Alex had helped him without demanding favors; had gone about it in his usual withdrawn and contemplative way but never expecting Justin to bend to his will. Too good for that, Alex; he was a better friend than Justin deserved.

But if only he would wake up, if only the wound would heal; if only Alex would open his eyes and offer up some flat-toned observation about how Justin was hanging around like some kicked puppy...then it could all be okay again. Neither of them were meant to be happy, exactly, it seemed. So if nothing else at least they had kinship in their shared discontent and that might be enough.

The minutes that ticked by only stole Alex away breath by breath though and eventually the night came when Justin finally took hold of his cool, narrow hand in his own as if he could anchor him to life through sheer willpower. If it were possible it was the last chance he knew he had, it was a wild, nonsensical sort of desperate need to keep Alex because the other teen had shown him more kindness in weeks than Justin had felt most of his life and somehow he was going to repay that even if Alex had never asked for anything in return.

He couldn't let one more person slip between his fingers; Justin needed Alex and he could only hope that somehow Alex needed him in return. As a friend, a brother or whatever it was that held together the oddity of connection between the two of them; with Alex he felt safe. He had seen some of the tense edges melt away from the other teen when they were alone in the quiet of Alex's room. It had to mean something, and for the time it had to mean he was not going to give up on the possibility that Alex would wake up.

Justin felt like a shadow, flickering and fading; it was not nearly as poetic as it sounded and more painful than alluring. But until he woke a shadow he would remain; Alex's shadow in those long, lonely hours amid the antiseptic stench and the bone-white walls.  
People came to hospitals to die; but not Alex, not while Justin was there to spend his nights talking to the empty space between his words and the ones Alex should have offered in return; reminding him just how much he had to live for.


	2. Chapter 2

As much as people liked to think otherwise; life never carried out the way it did in movies. No sudden plot twists where the monster becomes the hero, no shocking truth revealed in time to change the world, no villain to defeat other than the ones who dwelt under a person's own skin. Justin may have had his moments of hopeless, broken romantic notions but he was too realistic to think that life simply turned to the next scene and everything was all better. He had learned that much, in all the pain that outgrew his short years, packed into the moments that were broken up now and then by a reason to laugh; too few anymore. 

He knew, he could mark it on a calendar in fact, what days he came to the realization that he was holding vigil over a memory. There was a moment, a tired breath that came to him as he gathered up yet another bundle of dried and ruined flowers and their cheap vase to whisk the entire lot into the trash near Alex's bedside table, that whoever was still in there under bandages and desperate choices would not be the person he had spoken to the aching few days before Alex picked up that gun.  
  
Bodies could heal, minds only changed; and Alex would never be the same. 

It was a deeper line of thinking than Justin cared to do, truthfully he liked his troubles less complicated and the sort he could shrug away with a cloud of smoke and a good buzz. But pretending things could be okay when they weren't had ruined a part of the good in Jess, had given his mom the reassurance that he didn't need her half as much as he truly had; had given Bryce power. 

But he would have given anything to go back to what now felt like simple times. 

"You need to wake up," he muttered bitterly to the still form and the rise and fall skin and muscle pulled tight over bone; a body harboring within it all of Alex. Who he was, who he might have been, who he would be; if there was anything left to him. 

Justin had grown angry over the silence; angry that Alex would not wake up with some sharp retort and tell him in a sarcastic flare of wit that he was running himself down with worry over nothing. Make it into some joke they would both roll their eyes at and then carry on as usual. 

But it didn't happen that way; there was no moment with Justin standing by with tense breath while Alex came back to life before him. There was no sudden gasp of air and eyes popping open like on the big screen; not rush of gratitude shining in them as Justin uttered a sigh of frustrated relief.  


He only showed up one evening and Alex was awake. 

Eyes barely cracked open and cast towards the ceiling, wrists wrapped in restraints and silent as the near-death he had suffered. Only the slightest twitch, the sluggish nudge of his gaze towards the figure in the room even marked Alex as knowing he was present at all; and it took more willpower than he thought he would have for Justin to stand there.  
No words came, too much weakness still heavy in him, too many chemicals keeping him a lulled state, or nothing left to say; maybe a combination of all three kept Alex silent and it was only after his eyes dropped shut once more than Justin remembered how to breathe. 

The nights that followed were hellish. 

Justin learned, through bits of information the evening shift nurses who were kind enough by then to accept his presence offered that waking up would be the simple part but they at least tried to help him understand the battle ahead. The same as they left him small things without mentioning it; snacks and clean blankets before he arrived, they knew whatever was happening in his life it was anything but right. And even if they couldn't make sense of the sullen boy who refused to leave that room until morning something good in them kept the staff from questioning it too much.  


It was ugly. 

The shock faded, gradually; Justin grew used to the deep black circles around Alex's eyes from cracked bones, the bizarre and unnerving state of his right eye full of blood that turned it nearly black with where the excess had settled from the vibrating shock of the bullet. The hemorrhage would heal, would drain away and become lest ghastly as the blood thinned in that once-bright orb, the bruises would also heal in time and leave that pale skin unmarred. But the bandages looped around his skull, the ones that Justin didn't have the stomach to stay in the room when they were changed; those were more complicated and frightening. 

It was a wonder, the staff muttered, that there weren't more broken bones, that he was still waking up, that the swelling had begun to recede; so many small wonders and Justin wanted to argue that each one was not as important as the bigger question. Not knowing what lay under those bandages was as disheartening as being unsure of how much of Alex was left inside that broken bone and battered flesh. 

Nights were the worst time; one of the nurses explained to him. Linda; a motherly sort...or what Justin remembered to be motherly before his mom had lost that impulse in favor of men who treated her badly, was Alex's usual evening nurse. And she explained to him that nights were often when the body struggled the hardest to recover and heal; it was also the hours when trauma spun around inside the mind with a vicious bite. 

Daytime meant therapists and evaluations, visitors who now came more frequently now to find out if Alex would speak to them, and endless doctors making speculations. Daytime hours were for the false guise that life was returning; night marked the minutes when the struggle was desperate. 

Helpless as he was, Justin could only sit; close enough to the bed to watch but he no longer dared to touch...everything he touched seemed to fall apart. Over the edge of textbooks he barely read and homework he hardly did anymore he studied Alex's often sleeping face. Rarely was it peaceful, too often twisted into some grimace while his mind played reels of whatever memory or thought plagued him, his body tensed and wrists jerked at the restraints meant to keep him still when those spasms grew too intense. 

It was all almost too much for Justin; he had heard so much about death the past few weeks and even now the court was in the middle of a battle all wrapped up around Bryce and the black and white terms of blame in gray areas. Hearing about death, feeling it occupy his own shadow like an unwanted companion; it wasn't the same as watching someone dig themselves out of the grave.

Sickness had been limited to watching his mother with a hangover, or her boyfriends on some drug bender; it was not seeing someone who should have been full of life claw for the next breath. 

He wondered why he stayed, why he subjected himself to it all; was it guilt? Was it because he had failed Jess first, then Hannah, and finally Alex? But it didn't feel like guilt; it felt like some unspoken promise made the first time he had shown up at that doorstep begging for a place to stay with shame in his eyes and hope weakly fluttering in his guts. A silent promise that he would be there; Alex had been there. 

But maybe Alex wasn't there anymore. 

He muttered occasionally, disconnected words that Justin strained to understand; trying to convince himself that it was a sign that Alex was coming back to himself. But months; the nurses said it might take months. Months would be past the end of the school year; months would leave Justin entirely homeless once he had nowhere to go during the day. Months would end in Alex getting better and going home, or would find him a ghost trapped in a broken body.  
  
Possibilities felt like burdens anymore and Justin was suffocating. 

But still; he knew he was not in as bad a spot as Alex himself and that kept him coming back night after night, talking in circles. Stories about the latest school chaos, the court case proceeding, even the weather and complaints about homework when he ran out of other things to say. Alex might not have even heard him but Justin needed to fill the space with something, with his own voice, anything but the beeping and chirping of the monitors and the unsteady jerking of Alex's breathing as his mind struggled to repair.

"Come on," Justin whispered tensely one not so extraordinary night well past the midnight hour, a night Alex had been slipping in and out of awareness laced with spasms; it was an endless cycle. 

But it broke, one still blood-marred eye rolling his direction when what seemed to be sudden clarity; shocking Justin into grabbing hold of Alex's tense hand to ground him.  
  
"Fuck man...can you see me?" The words came in a rush and Justin hoped that the way those pale fingers tightened around his own wasn't just another trick of Alex's body tensing. "You know I'm here?"

Was it too much to hope for? 

There were no words, a rattled tiny sound trapped in Alex's throat that faded into nothing; but what it could have meant left Justin shaken as the nurse darted in to check the sudden surge in readings on the monitors. 

"Is he awake?" The words barely a whisper and Justin would have felt foolish for holding his breath right then if he had thought about it, "Can he see me?"

"Of course he can," Linda replied automatically the way she always did when they asked, it was kindness, "I don't think he can tell you that yet, but give it time."  
Her smile was hopeful as she checked leads and IVs, adjusted monitors and shifted around the room to check charts; Justin didn't even notice when she slipped back out the door and left him in the silence. 

His eyes were glued to the spot where Alex's slender fingers were tangled across his own, gripped as tight as a lifeline.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do plan to expand on Alex's condition as this unfolds; and will be trying to keep it medically accurate without bogging things down in terminology to take away from the actual story - please drop me a note if anything I address is wildly off skewed to people who may have been in these situations or know people who have; my knowledge of gunshot wounds and damage is mostly researched.


	3. Chapter 3

Things changed so slowly; breath by breath, and Justin spent half his time trying to measure them and gauge improvements. Maybe he had grown obsessed with the idea but with the shallow promise that Alex was gaining ground it was impossible not to latch onto it; better meant something. His own world would never get much better, not for a long time; scattered friends and nobody to fall back on, but Alex had a better chance. Alex had family that still worried, if a bit distantly at times, still had friends who thought he wasn't as terrible of a person as Alex liked to claim to be; and if Justin couldn't pull his own life together he wanted to see someone manage to. 

Part of it was even less complicated; he wanted his friend back. 

It had all begun to weigh on him; as the hours passed Justin's thoughts tumbled into disarray and his focus weakened day by day. School was only a series of motions he barely got through; people there stared at him as though he were some stranger, whispered about his involvement in Hanna's death and more than once he realized it must have been how Hannah herself had felt; so isolated. 

She was still getting her justice, even from wherever it was that came next; her memory gave him no peace. In truth peace only came from the half-lulled exhausted sleep he reached listening to the steady sound of Alex breathing, and that was now marked by the sudden upset of jerking muscles or startled sounds. 

He hadn't neglected to notice how the sounds Alex made in his medicine-induced sleep always rang painful or frightened; he couldn't imagine what he must have been lost in behind his heavy eyelids.  
Justin wasn't made for burdens so crushing; even he knew it. He handled problems badly, if at all; and the current one he handled by rarely leaving the security of the chair in the corner of the room other than when one of the nurses ushered him out for whatever reasoning. 

 

By the end of the week when Alex had begun to show signs of life again Justin was dangerously close to shaking him just to see if it made any difference at all. When he tried it, as bad as the idea was, it didn't; not a twitch or a twinge until he just gave up and set himself to pacing the room. 

And it was strange to see the normally unconcerned Justin Foley circle the floor like a restless dog; Alex had been watching him for several moments with a hint of perplexion over it. Not that he could fully knit together a coherent thought at the time amid all the ache inside his skull and the disconnected haze of the drugs in his veins; but watching gave his sore eyes something to settle on.  
It made just as little sense that Justin would be there at all; almost as little sense as to why he was himself when he obviously had planned to be anything but alive. 

So many of his plans fell through; little surprise that one had. 

Alex blinked slowly, pale lashes feeling itchy when they caught together, threatening not to part again with the weight of his eyelids but he fought them apart so he could watch the next circular pass Justin made of the room. 

Justin looked thin, and from someone like himself who had the build of a scarecrow practically it was disturbing to realize. And the pacing had begun to make him dizzy; but for whatever reason he could not string together a thought into words, nor recall how to force his lips to move to voice it. And his hand, while it did an excellent, and annoying, job of twitching with his frustration, refused to lift. 

So it went, moment by moment, eyes following Justin, trying to will him to stop before he drove the both of them mad; Alex already felt as if he were suffocating in his own unresponsive body as it was. 

It was nothing short of a miracle when Justin started another pass and stopped short, eyes set more on him instead. 

"Are you...watching me?" Justin mumbled, unable to believe it was anything more than some hopeful trick of his tired mind. And he would have given it up at that if not for the slightest shift of Alex's eyes to the side before they set back on him; clarity there. 

He was; _Alex was watching him._

And Justin suddenly had no idea what to do; the first impulse was to snatch up the call button for the nurse like some scared kid and beg for someone to come and back him up in that unexpected situation. Had Alex done that during the day? With his family or friends? Justin really had no way of knowing if it was normal or something new. 

Forcing himself to move closer to the bed was harder than he expected; what if Alex didn't even know him? The handful of books he had tried to read about the subject said people with head injuries sometimes didn't even recognize others. 

"You in there still Standall? Because this is pretty fucked up and making me wait to tell you how much of a selfish asshole move this was was getting exhausting," he couldn't dredge any malice into the words when he reached the railing at the side of the bed and paused there. 

It was annoyance he could read in Alex's gaze, no doubt, but it flickered to confusion within seconds. 

"Is that because I'm here or because you are?" 

It felt like a valid question; Alex hadn't meant to survive so both possibilities were equally confusing to him, Justin was sure. 

No answer; all his efforts to prod Alex into some retort just to hear his voice again fell short, painfully short. Only a passive and tired blink before the unexpected staring contest resumed; Justin was entirely unsatisfied with it. 

But it was comical in the moments that followed, right up until one of the nurses returned to the room to do rounds; witnessing the bemusing sight and startling the both of them. Justin stepped back just barely and Alex's eyes fluttered in a sharper blink at the woman; wariness in his unsteady state of mind. 

"Oh, sweetie; you're finally starting to come around?" She, not one of the regulars Justin knew by name at that point, smiled and checked the monitors; heart, blood pressure, pulse, even the unsteady jump and skip of the one meant to measure the chaos going on inside of Alex's shattered skull.

"Decide you wanted to see someone?" Her smile remained with the airy words and the sidestep around Justin; at that point he felt dazed at best, or nearly so until the shrill beep of monitors drug him free to watch Alex's attendant shake her head and adjust something on that towering metal pole that was decorated with a dozen bags; blood and other strange concoctions that Justin had no name for. 

He could almost see the coherence slide out of Alex's eyes before his lids dipped; suddenly upset by the change when it had been progressing...so close. 

"What did you do?" The words poured out before he could stop them; why work so hard to get Alex awake only to take it back away from him?

She spoke softly as she turned to him, "I know you're waiting for a lot all at once, but right now we have to be careful he doesn't push himself too far too fast. It'll come in time." Her hand fell to his shoulder briefly in sympathy and the kind gesture suddenly made Justin feel unsteady all over again and almost guilty. 

She saw it and guided him back down to sit; the poor boy looked like he was half dead on his feet as it was; "I know it's hard, but your brother needs to rest if he's going to come back to what he was before. Don't worry; it won't be much longer."  


Justin was too caught between his own irritation and exhaustion to do much but nod, only realizing after the fact what she had called him. It hadn't occurred to him once what anyone thought; never once had it crossed his mind that they assumed he was family. But what did it matter; it was a lie that allowed him to stay. 

But he wasn't so sure how much he could wait; he was already barely strung together himself and he had barely been able to resist the past few days the siren song of his old vices. Getting kicked out for showing up stoned though; Justin knew they would never let him come back and he had nowhere else to go. 

And feeling like Alex needed him there, even if Justin wasn't so sure it was more than a lie he clung to, kept him off that thin ledge of not having much reason to carry on himself. Justin Foley; once star of the basketball team with his whole life laid out in bright possibilities of sports scholarships with his beautiful girlfriend at his side and his loving mother cheering him on, had come crashing down the reality of life and found himself facing down the mornings for the sake of a weird kid who had actually been kind to him. 

But it was a good enough reason; at least until Alex told him to get lost.

 

And it wasn't accurate to say things surged forward from that point, it was still a day by day build; but once Alex was awake fully and half a dozen doctors had spent the week evaluating him progress went from a snail's pace to a slow creep instead; from that night onward Justin started to count days again. 

On day three after they turned down the sedation Alex spent half the night staring at him while he dug his way through homework and muttered mock-bitterly over how unfair it was that Alex was getting out doing any himself just because of some little hole in his skull. He liked to think, even if he couldn't confirm it; that Alex was silently amused by the sarcasm. 

Two days later and Linda informed Justin that the doctors wanted visitors to speak to Alex, try to engage him; carrying the news because she knew he was always in school in the daytime hours and had to be caught back up on things. It was also the evening he noticed a new batch of cards and flowers populating the room; much to his annoyance. 

"Damn ugly things, " he had muttered in the process of picking up an incredibly tacky arrangement in their school colors, "I don't know man; you want these? Because they're awful." 

Even if he didn't get an answer directly when he tossed them into the trash Justin was pretty certain he saw a hint of a smirk at the corner of Alex's lips. 

Three more; it turned out to be what Justin marked as a big one on the checklist he was keeping in his head. 

It was the night he was urged out of sleep by a sudden rattle and startled, eyes snapped open to watch Alex flexing his hands and giving those restraints a testing jerk that only slightly upset the railings. It took a moment to make sense of it, thinking at first Alex was having one of those strange muscle spasms again; but the look he shot Justin told otherwise with the layers of frustration decorating his face. 

When he summoned the nurse she was hesitant; it wasn't on the orders just yet, it really was a decision for the doctors or family, just in case Alex harmed himself accidently. 

"I'm his brother; doesn't that count?" Justin had argued; by then the lie had become so easy to tell and it served his needs; he had a feeling somewhere inside his head Alex was laughing over it. 

It wasn't; being underage meant it fell to Alex's parents instead, and Justin spent the night watching the frustrated motion until Alex wore himself down to exhausted and fell back asleep. It felt like some uncomfortable metaphor..for what Justin wasn't certain but there was a nagging under his skin that just knew that life was mocking the both of them that evening. The thought stuck with him all the next day, itching in the back of his skull until he found some relief in the sight of Alex sleeping when he arrived that evening; hands tangled up in the sheets freely. 

How small things had become so important...Justin wasn't certain, but he had begun to live inside the bubble of that hospital room more than the world beyond it. 

After that Justin thought it would be easier, but there were highs and lows. 

 

Alex's voice, when he finally heard it again, was a thick rasp that sounded as though it had been trapped in his throat for decades; but the choked mumble that was an almost greeting when he arrived a few nights later almost brought a grin to his face. They weren't exactly words, those were still buried somewhere in the bits and parts of Alex's brain that were pulling back together, but it was something. 

The seizures came and went, day and night; it took so much for a mind to heal and a body to reconnect the broken parts. When things didn't spark just right, as he saw at times when Alex grew frustrated for seemingly no reason, setting off a chain reaction that ended in sharp spasms that Justin couldn't watch without feeling some horrible familiarity to times he had seen his mother pass out from too much alcohol. 

Those nights the demons chased him and he didn't talk to Alex much, and Alex didn't try to talk at all; they just slept or stayed awake in the silence. It was still better than being alone, but it was a battle. 

Other days Alex was eager to speak but he got hung up now and then; words evaded him and his voice would trail off with a furrow of his pale brow. Justin shrugged it aside and acted like it wasn't a big deal; because for Alex's sanity it couldn't be. 

Just like the subject they could never discuss; ever. 

Justin complained about school, grumbled about how badly the team was doing, leaving out the part about how that was largely his own fault, and when Alex asked about friends they used to have he either told the truth or lied; whatever felt like what needed to be said. Alex grew restless; lacking a hint of his old edge still as he compared the bland food to prison and the nurses who refused to let him leave the bed to guards. Neither of them dared to think too much about the real prison though; how Alex's body still held him back from so many simple tasks as it healed. 

Even that bland food, which Justin was still more than willing to choke down when the nurses started to bring him meals too with the realization that he really was getting thin, won against Alex at times and his nerve-wrecked stomach. 

If there was one thing Justin had never expected to do it was waiting out a bout of Alex's heaving up his stomach into a bucket when he couldn't keep anything down; seeing his friends gagging up too much beer at a party was part of teenage life but what Alex did was too real for Justin. 

He stayed, but would have killed for some weed to take the edge off some nights. 

And that didn't even count the mistakes he made; because a seventeen-year-old could hardly be expected to have all the answers. 

Falling asleep too late and being late for class was normal by then, the old habit of calling Alex out when he said something worth mocking him about might have been unkind but it was the dynamic that felt...normal; they both needed it. But the mirror was a mistake; the big mistake that Justin regretted. 

He didn't know there were reasons for it, the nurses denying Alex that; he only thought in terms of how Alex had always been so crisp and clean, so much more so than most people his age. It hadn't seemed like an odd request at all.  
But how badly he did regret it in the end.

"I look," Alex's fingers had tightly gripped the edge of the mirror Justin had grabbed out of an empty locker that afternoon before heading to the hospital and for a second he thought those shaky fingers would break it, "...like a f'king mess." 

Not an untrue statement; the bandages remained, the bruises had dissolved but the watery crimson occupying his eye had not, he had grown even more pale and thin than the original version of Alex pallor. Even with his hair, longer after the weeks of neglect and darker at the roots with his natural color; was a mess of choppy reminder under those wrappings that something was not right. Alex had looked better; yes, but compared to where he had been not too long past Justin thought it was a vast improvement. 

Alex didn't think so. 

The shrieking anger was not as shocking as the fact that he somehow summoned the energy to throw that mirror so hard it smashed against a wall; it had taken an intense dose of medication to force Alex back to that resting state from the panic and intense anger that had possessed him. 

Linda's reprimand didn't burn half as bad as seeing what he had caused; Justin felt it all over again...the old twinge of knowing just how much he ruined just by making foolish decisions. Alex wasn't ready; it had never even crossed his mind how much there was still going on in Alex's head that just was not healed emotionally yet. 

He had apologized, later, biting back a wave of guilt but Alex had only waved it off with a nod and stopped talking for days after.

The silence finally broke with Alex all but demanding some manner of hat, something to obscure the bandages he loathed; Justin had borrowed a black beanie from one of the guys after practice and it became a constant almost instantly. He grew so used to the sight of Alex's contemplative gaze under the folded edge of the inky-colored fabric that he could almost forget why the hat was oddly shaped over the loops of gauze circling the right side of his skull; almost. 

Almost.


	4. Chapter 4

"So tired of this," Alex mumbled, eyes half shut in a gesture of aggravation that made his nearly-healed eye look like a crimson-hued slit; as his coherence had begun to return with it had come a bitterness that was more intense than he had ever bothered to show before. 

What did have to lose though; people were already going to judge him and he just didn't care. 

The only constants in his life lately had been white walls, a hospital bed, tubes that evidently pumped him full of whatever toxic mix kept him alive and recovering, and Justin Foley. And frankly, the last one was a bizarre situation. 

His parents, of course, showed up during the day when they could; being a cop meant unpredictable hours for his dad and his mom was working most of the time. His brother had whatever life it was he had to attend and really Alex didn't plan on guilt-tripping him into showing up anyway. 

Most days he was sleeping when the nurses or doctors weren't nagging at him to eat, or shoving medicine at him, or even pushing him through one manner of physical therapy or another. 

They meant well; in spite of his easy distress over many things Alex did recognize when people were trying to help, or in his case trying to keep him alive. So he didn't let the bitterness extend to them; he just remained withdrawn in their presence because that was the easiest way to avoid talking when he didn't feel like it.  
And part of the time what he wanted to say and what he managed to say didn't add up as it was; throwing more annoyance into the mix. 

He had begun to wonder if he could have found a less dramatic way to try to end his stay among the living; if he'd known he was going to survive he sure as hell wouldn't have put himself through everything he was now. But that determination to make a point; somehow it damned him more often than not. 

Sitting up, since they still didn't allow him to leave the bed on his own when his balance pitched every time he was on his feet, Alex turned his thoughts inward and regarded the room; all four walls and ceiling. Said walls decorated by a multitude of get-well cards that his mother had taped there; the over-saturated colors nearly made him ill if he stared at them too long. 

Little else of interest in the room; aside from the TV near the bed, which he never bothered to watch, Justin was his source of distraction. 

Sleeping was hard; every time he closed his eyes and started to his brain would go off; shoving nightmares and random anxious thoughts at him, causing his stomach to twist up. His anxiety really didn't need much help when it came to stirring up but evidently a little brain trauma was just the thing to make it worse. 

So Alex didn't sleep much at night and did most of it during the daylight hours when nightmares were more likely to melt away under the bright lights; it helped not being alone in the dim room. It helped to have Justin there; who had seemingly decided to show up every evening like clockwork even if Alex could not figure out why. 

Justin hadn't shot him; he had an only patchy recollection of some things but he knew clearly that it had been his own hand on that gun so what guilt was keeping Justin there?

Some memory of Hannah maybe; which in truth was part of the reason Alex had decided to follow her lead, but Justin hadn't appeared to be very troubled by her death. 

It was quite the perplexing puzzle; and Alex could barely see the pieces yet, let alone put them together. 

"You awake?" 

No answer; Justin had lost the battle to sleep and since Alex had no way of knowing what time it was, a fact that bothered him endlessly, he had to guess at it being very late. And Justin, as always, would be gone in the morning before dawn, to school; to try to salvage something of his grades so that he could at least pass to the next one. Or so the theory was; Alex had a feeling that Justin cared less about school itself and more about getting away from that room for a few hours and he was going stir crazy himself so he could sympathize. 

They wouldn't even give him a watch or a phone; he had to gauge time in chunks of who came to see him. He knew it was evening because Justin arrived, knew it was morning because his dad stopped by, and could guess at it being afternoon the occasions his mom showed up during her break in shifts. Days he had lost entirely, weeks, months; looking at a calendar would have made no sense to him at the time and he knew it; so he just didn't care about it and let it go. 

He wasn't going to be finishing his classes before school ended anyway; Alex was holding his breath to see if they even let him leave the hospital before summer. 

"Yeah, m'awake," Justin trailed off suddenly with a slow lift of his head and an owlish blink that surprised Alex, "s'thing wrong?"

"Tired of watching you sleep," Alex replied automatically, "it's boring."

Not that it was, in fact, it was almost peaceful watching Justin rest; as much as he refused to admit it the nights Justin had shown up at his house looking for a place to crash it had been far easier falling asleep watching late night TV on the couch with him than it was in his own bed. Justin was hardly a calming presence but maybe the fact that he was a presence at all made Alex feel less alone and anxious. Ever since he and Jess had split up loneliness had been constant; it was ironic that the cure to that had been the guy who had come after him in her life. 

Funny; before Hannah took her life, he and the great, school-worshiped Justin Foley had never really been friends, never had spoken more than a passing word to each other and Alex personally had never had much desire to get too friendly with the guy that Jess ran off into the arms of when he had royally ruined their relationship. 

And even after Hannah they had only spoken in terms of tapes; Alex had developed a mild disdain for Justin in fact as he had watched him try so hard to slink out of that responsibility. 

But as blunt as he was at times, as fully unconcerned with what the world thought of him for it; Alex was by no means cruel enough to make some desperate guy who came crawling to him for help sleep in his parents' garage. 

Justin had come to him, maybe as a last resort but still had shown up hopeful; had some faith that he might save him and at the time it was a shocking realization that Justin was dealing with some hellish circumstances himself. Knowing that he had the power to help him...Alex had felt something shift. 

Justin Foley had become a person to him; a flawed, weary person and if there was anything Alex could understand it was the simplicity of being overwhelmed by the world. Some days he had been so sick to his stomach with grief that he couldn't get through the morning without being sick, couldn't sleep at night with the spikes of guilty anxiety. 

Helping Justin had felt just a tiny bit like making up for something, for being a terrible human being and hurting people who had not deserved it; maybe in the beginning he had used Justin to make himself feel better. 

But then it had become complicated when he'd started to like being around the guy; because that meant being around the rest of his band of testosterone-fueled teammates and Alex knew without question that he was the odd one out in that situation. But acceptance into that strange new world of alpha males had come almost instantly from Justin simply calling him a friend. 

Or so he thought; later he figured out Bryce just wanted to keep the both on them where he could make sure they weren't going to sell him out. 

Alex was all too happy to throw Bryce to the wolves, that sleazy creep, but Justin was different; he knew somehow that he was. 

Maybe he had Hannah to thank then for the only, unexpected as it was, friend that had stuck around when things had turned so ugly. 

Because it was hideous and he knew it; Foley had been subject to watching him puke his guts out, the cold sweats and outbursts he woke from in sleep, even the spasms that had gotten somewhat better but still would sneak up on him with something set off just the wrong way in some muscle. He could barely control the spikes of blinding anger over tiny things, kept his teeth gritted tightly to avoid expressing them, and had to swallow down the waves of aching sadness that were just as sudden to surge at unexpected moments; his emotions were a wreck.

It would have been mortifying if Alex thought he had any reason to feel ashamed about it, but it was his own damn fault and he wasn't going to stand being somebody Justin felt sorry for. 

Oddly; he didn't need to worry much about it since Justin shrugged it all off and never said much about it. 

Alex hadn't figured out how to say thank you yet.

When he thought about it then the ideas became muddled inside his skull and broke, thankfully, when Justin turned towards him and shook off some of that sleep-thick tone.

"Thanks Standall; some of us have to go to class tomorrow." Justin drawled with no real annoyance to the words as he shifted his blankets and adjusted the pillow, curled into the chair in an awkward fold of limbs. "Got that damn biology test in the morning."

Alex knew that because Justin had been muttering the past few days about it; filling the room with what felt like refreshing, normal teenage discontent. And that was, in fact, relaxing and familiar. Blaming Alex for waking him up; it was like being seen as the same old person he used to be...and frankly at times, he could be a jerk. Somehow it felt so much better than all the sympathy others offered. 

"S'an easy class, even you couldn't fail," Alex remarked with a blink to clear some of the burning itch from his eye; it was being stubborn as it healed.

"Can if you keep me up all night," Justin shot back with a yawn as he pulled the pillow in closer to him in the uncomfortable curve of the chair, "I fail and I'm blaming you."

"Yeah, it's me and not your grades or all the weed that did it," Alex trailed off in amusement as he narrowed his eyes in the dim light to focus more on Justin's form; the details looked fuzzy at the edges. 

Justin offered only a snort in reply and tried to feign sleep but even that was a weak attempt; the conversation stirring him from that rest like a nagging insect chewing at the corners of his mind. Distraction; perhaps when you spend half your time around one person it was almost instinctive to pick up awareness of their mannerisms more fully and he could tell Alex was restless. 

Not that he blamed him; personally Justin thought the idea of staying in bed almost all day was practically torture. 

"You finally get out of this hospital and I'm hitting somebody up; I can't remember the last time I was stoned," Justin mumbled almost wistfully over missing that pleasant distraction from the world, "You could use it too."

"Brilliant; give somebody messed up in the head drugs." Which wasn't to say that Alex wasn't considering it; he had never given Justin grief about the pot because ultimately it wasn't his job to tell Justin what to do, or not do. Never cared much for it either way himself because Alex was uncomfortable with the idea of not being in control of himself and things around him, but an escape from the smothering weight of his own stubborn body would have been nice. 

Would have done wonders for his anxiety too; better than the junk they were dumping in his veins for it now that made his stomach ache and his ears ring. 

But agreeing wasn't something Alex was going to simply do; it was the challenge in a conversation that he enjoyed. Or used to; lately, any conversation period was a different challenge that involved gaps in his memory where words used to be. 

"You'll be fine; I know where to get the good stuff," Justin's voice was sleepy under the edge of the blanket when he replied, a shift of motion along with the words. 

"Where?" 

The word was accented by a pause, a heavy one that made Justin nervous even if he couldn't feel the scrutiny of Alex's gaze. He knew why Alex was asking, what Alex was asking; and it was the first time they'd come anywhere near the subject. 

"No, not him. He's out on bail right now while the lawyers work on the charges," finally Justin spoke, "I heard; haven't talked to him since right before...things happened."

Things.

The only way to say it without actually saying; 'right before you decided to pick up a gun and try to kill yourself'. Justin didn't want to be the one to do it; didn't want to throw that in Alex's face, not yet; not while he was still recovering. He could have it out with him over it later but it just wasn't the right time. 

Alex wasn't sure how to thank him for that either.

And Bryce had been his dealer at one point, but not anymore; just the thought of the guy he had once all but worshiped made Justin's stomach turn. 

"Didn't remember if the trial happened or not," Alex spoke after another pause; for once grateful for those gaps as it gave him an excuse to pretend like the idea had been far from his mind. 

It hadn't, and he did remember exactly what every moment had felt like in those tense few weeks; right down to the disbelief and anger. He didn't even have the full luxury of forgetting that one night; could still practically feel the weight of the gun in his hand, the gleam of light off the surface like the edge of a knife; taunting him. There were other points that even if he attempted to focus on them only felt like fluttery static in his brain and muddy water; but that night was almost disturbingly clear.

He could remember just how easy it had been; how painfully easy.

"It's been going on for a while, they're looking at Bryce right now more than anyone." Justin only knew from afar, trying to avoid so much of it himself, other than the one shattering part that he could not evade, "Jess told them after Jensen showed up with some taped confession..I don't even know how he pulled that one off."

And it was all he needed to say to leave the implications a mile wide; everyone knew what had happened to Jess, everyone knew what happened to Hannah.

Alex wished he felt more satisfaction in it but it was a stale wound now that just refused to heal or be soothed. They all had to give up something to make things right, it seemed, and Jess had handed over a secret that tortured her. Jensen had, or so he said, lost the love he had always been too afraid to reach for, Justin was isolated and himself; well, Alex wasn't certain what lay ahead. The rest he barely cared about; Courtney and the others could deal with what they had to trade without his considering it too much since he had stopped feeling much of anything towards them even before he had walked away. 

All because of one girl in agony. 

It would have been poetic if Alex could dredge up many feelings towards the idea, but as it was he just lingered in exhaustion. 

He said nothing, only tipped his head to stare off at one of those white walls and in the darkness, Justin could just barely see the gleam of light cast from the monitors reflected in his eyes; not sure where to even start guessing at what might have been going on inside Alex's head. 

It was impossible to shake the feeling that it wasn't anything good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those curious; very often people with traumatic brain injuries develop intense and unpredictable mood swings for several months after the injury. Most of the time this manifests in anger and takes some time to get back to their usual personalities as it is a process of the brain reconnecting the pathways correctly that help build the base of their experiences and reaction centers.


	5. Chapter 5

After the potential storm of discussing Bryce had been avoided even Alex was content to spend a few days in passive silence; he wasn't as tired as he had been feeling and it didn't seem to be as much of a chore dealing with the doctors and therapists in the daytime. There was no avoiding it so it became something he simply endured; putting to the back of his mind the nagging awareness that too many of those people looked at him like some lost kid who deserved the pity.  
Which was not the case; Alex didn't want it. 

It made him all the more determined to get well enough to their standards to get the hell out of that bed, that hospital, and he supposed home since that was where he had to go next. 

Home; where his mother would fuss over him as if she had done anything to cause him to harm himself, where his father would shake his head in disappointment that he would never voice because he knew Alex would take the silence as so much worse, and his brother would likely be absent. 

But still better than that hospital; Alex could feel the weight of knowing he had so many things to repair with the people around him and being confined to that room was holding him back. It was also driving him slowly out of his mind; he lost track of which pain stemmed from what part of his body and it all just turned into one low humming throb in the background of a headache he could never shake. 

He'd blown a hole in his brain so realistically Alex didn't think a headache was so far out of the question. 

Or technically he had blown a hole in his skull, the side of it, clean through and the doctors had said that was the reason he was still breathing; there were two neat little holes in bone and damage in the path between but compared to what could have happened if that projectile had bounced around in there? Alex was damn lucky. 

Not that he felt that way; the thought mocked him as he listened to the physical therapist drone on about dizziness and numb spots; how to be careful on his feet for a while. Alex was only mildly bitter about the crutches, bothersome things that absolutely had to be tucked under his arms if he even wanted to think about leaving the bed. 

At first he had wanted to protest, but it had been during the day when the therapist had pushed them towards him and under the stern eyes of his father; Alex had felt h is nerve dissolve and he'd accepted them with a twinge of defeat. 

Why it mattered, he wasn't sure; he still wasn't allowed to leave the bed without reason and without assistance; he just kept telling himself that every step got him further away from feeling like he was helpless.

He hadn't expected how tired it would make him though; the trek from that bed to the door of the room and back left him wanting to crawl back under the sheets and pass out. His back hurt from it, his head swam in waves, and his stomach tried to crawl up the inside of his ribcage; by the time the therapist had left him alone for the day Alex was done with wanting to move for a month. 

And he was going to have to do it every day now, more and more, until he was fully able to keep his feet under him. Things that had felt so simple were walls now; he wished he could have said he didn't feel like he deserved it. 

Justin had noticed the crutches and in typical fashion addressed the obvious, "I didn't think you broke anything."

"Didn't," Alex had explained away lazily before he'd tried to bury himself in the blanket so he could get some sleep after the long day; "Longer I lay around here the more my muscles go to hell; figured you'd know that since you're a jock."

He let it slide, that bland jab that Alex used to shield himself; it was easier on both of them.

Justin spared him more questions, thankfully, and had turned to unpacking his homework for the next morning.

 

But it hadn't lasted long; that peace had stretched out a handful of days while Alex's stubborn determination came and went; wavered in the faded evening after the long, tiresome days. 

"You plan on ever getting up and walking out of here?" Justin remarked with a hint of humor after the third day of Alex avoiding the idea all evening, earning himself a muttered sound in return, "At some point, they're going to get tired of you."

"Says the guy who lives here every night," Alex shot back; not his best but he was still trying to pull his old wit back together. 

The comment hit closer to home than Justin wanted to admit and he only snorted and rolled his eyes at it rather than speaking.

"Doesn't your mom ever wonder if you're alive if you're always here?" Even though it was meant with an air of curiosity it came off far more accusation than Alex meant and he was surprised when Justin shot him a dark look. 

"You want me to stop coming?" Instantly defensive, not certain what else to do when he felt so exposed, Justin all but spat the words, "You got anybody else who wants to hang around here all night with you Standall? I haven't seen anyone." 

"You don't have to be here; pretty sure I can survive just fine," Alex bristled because he was right; the only visitors he had anymore were his family and Justin. All his other friends were too busy, or too uneasy with being there and seeing him in that state; the truth cut deep. 

And Justin saw that, felt the flicker of guilt in the way Alex's eyes shot to the side and dropped rather than meet his own. He didn't know what to say; sorry wasn't exactly right, so he said nothing and the silence stretched between them thick and acidic. 

Justin fell asleep before Alex did; even with the medicines meant to tame down his pain that old clawing sensation in the pit of his stomach still managed to flare up; filling him with more than one sort of ache the rest of the night. 

The next morning Justin was gone before he awoke, as always, but that evening he didn't return. 

 

And the next went much the same; Alex's eyes trailed to the door as the sun outside dipped low. His insistence that the blinds be raised on that window so that he could track day and night to some degree had been a battle of wills with the hospital staff; he won after they realized he turned so despondent when they denied him. 

Alex needed to know; the hours might not have been exact but the difference between night and day had become suddenly important. 

The empty chair in the corner was starting to unravel him in slow degrees; not realizing how much he had needed that emotional anchor until it had been pulled away and he was left to drown. He felt some of that old hollow sensation in his chest, the choking grip of loneliness creeping along his throat; keeping the anxiety at bay made sleep impossible. 

He had begun to fixate on the last conversation they had shared, turning over word for word in his mind but not able to trust that he was remembering it correctly. There was a haze cast over most everything while those IVs kept his body from reacting too violently to the pain; he almost would have traded that back just to be able to think clearly. 

What had he said that drove Justin away? 

Everything.

Alex knew so many of those words could have pushed most anyone aside and the grief he felt that time was all for himself. He spent his nights lying silent, staring at the walls and feeling the twist and rise of the bile in his stomach; that old anxious pain familiar but he had all but forgotten it for a time. 

When the door finally did open and the sun was buried under the edge of the horizon he nearly jumped, eyes torn swiftly to it and the ridge of his narrow shoulders lifted as he sat up; fully prepared to launch equal parts into questioning where Justin had been and if he had something to do with it. 

But the door shut back with a soft swish of air and the form outlined by the hallway lights was for an instant perplexing; his expectations made everything else out of place and it took a full few seconds for Alex to recognize the person. 

"Mom," he trailed off, back sinking slack against the pillows he had propped himself against at the head of the bed, feeling instantly guilty at the way he said it as though he were disappointed to see her.

He was, in a way, but it really had nothing to do with his mother. 

"How are you feeling?" The words were marked by motion as she drew close to the bed and reached to tuck a few strands that hung low under the edge of black fabric back behind his ear. He permitted it, not overly thrilled with being touched but she was his mom; she only wanted to make him feel better.

The response was a shrug an automatic 'okay' rather than attempting anything close to honest; the way she looked at him told Alex in no unclear terms that she didn't believe it. 

"Not your usual time; things okay with dad?" Conversational; he tried to be, tried to make the effort even if he could hardly imagine anything being wrong with the pillar of unwavering resolve that was his father. 

She shook her head and reached for the chair to pull it closer; for an instant, Alex felt caught off guard by the motion. Felt betrayed somehow; that chair had a certain spot at night, but it was empty so maybe that wasn't true anymore. 

"He's fine, everything is fine; I traded shifts for tomorrow so I thought I'd come by to see you before I went home." 

Her hands found the edge of the bed first, then one of his; a blur of pale hues since they shared the same fair skin tones. So much more, in fact; he looked more like his mother than his father or brother, his build and features were just not the tense and squared masculinity that the other males held. It had given Alex grief in his early teens before he discovered that people found it attractive; he liked the power in that. 

"You're upset about something," she urged softly; it was little wonder that he was quiet himself when so much of her strength came in soft-spoken ways. 

He liked to think he had learned a little of that from her, but he couldn't be too sure. 

"I'm in a hospital with people telling me every day how lucky I am to be alive," Alex didn't dare to let his tone grow too tense, not with her, not for her, "At this point it's exhausting. I'm..yeah, a little upset most of the time." 

"I can imagine so," she nodded, letting him speak rather than coaxing him over what to say; she was so good at that. 

Sometimes too good, Alex wished he didn't say as much to her as he did; parents couldn't fix some problems and he had to do it himself. It was too easy to be drawn into the idea of talking though when she was only passively listening.

When the silence drew on finally she spoke, tucking another strand of hair behind his ear; "Where's your friend?"

Alex shifted, eyes were drawn back to the walls; of course, he had half hoped nobody had noticed Justin but that would have been impossible. And parents always knew, somehow; his father always knowing everything sent him into fits of panic but his mother felt safer. 

"Don't know; got tired of being here, or busy maybe."

The words left a bitter taste in his mouth and they were mostly the truth; he didn't know exactly why Justin had given up coming there but he had a good guess at it. 

"If you're worried maybe you should call him."

And his mother may as well have been a saint right then for that simple, entirely overlooked solution; Alex's eyebrows shot up when he realized it hadn't even occurred to him to try. But it was right there; one phone call and he would know how badly things were damaged. 

"Do you have my phone?" The words spilled past his lips before he could stop them, like a reflex, "I don't...remember the number."

"I'll bring it to you in the morning, I'll have to sneak it in," she laughed softly as though it were some big conspiracy the two of them would share.  
Alex wanted to roll his eyes but it was his mom, sitting there with that hopeful look and trying to bring him back to the little boy she used to take out for ice cream late at night when his dad was still working; making it into a game of secrets they shared. He hadn't been that little boy in years but Alex didn't have the heart to tell her that; after what he'd done it was no wonder that she wished he still might have been. 

"Thanks, mom," he dredged up a weak smile; it felt like barely enough but it was the best he could give her at the time. 

And she didn't let him down; by midmorning Alex had his phone in hand, squinting at the small screen and scrolling through the contacts for Justin's number. It was a small victory when he found it and smashed the button; he had barely managed to wait until lunchtime to make the call, knowing Justin wouldn't answer during class. But there was no way he could hold out until the end of the day; if he could have even made sense of it since he'd spent ten minutes staring at the numbers on the phone's clock trying to figure out if it was noon or midnight. Certain things were all rattled up in his skull; time was one of them, but the sunshine was bright outside the room's single window and that helped put the puzzle together. 

It rang once.

Then it disconnected with a low beeping and an electronic drone proclaiming the number no longer in service.  
Alex nearly threw the phone on the floor before he stopped himself, just letting it drop to the bed instead; that hopeless feeling rolling over him like a wave. 

Or helpless, perhaps, a better word for it.


	6. Chapter 6

While Alex was buried deep in uncertainties Justin was just tired; down to his bones and barely able to keep his eyes open. The struggle was made even more difficult by the warm, lulling night around him and the background hum of the streetlamps at the edge of the park just barely casting enough illumination over the collection of objects that decorated the playground. 

Justin had grown up in that town, he had seen the playground evolve from a grassy patch into what it now was; he had spent so many of his days as a kid there back when he didn't need to worry about his reputation being tarnished by the idea of playing in the sandbox.

He'd played on the swings as a kid, tried to see how high he could push himself before he lost his nerve and the ground looked impossibly far below him. Those were days when his mom was still around to take those little trips on the weekends, when she still smiled and it wasn't laced with the alcohol burning her up inside; back when she still remembered she even had a kid and that meant more than the string of boyfriends after his dad had left them.

Back in the days when Justin still invited friends to his house to play video games, when he'd still felt normal; days before he'd had to start hiding what home had turned into and the best he could do was ignore the sympathetic looks other mothers gave him when he showed up at their houses instead. Back before the mumbling rumors of why his father wasn't there, the curiosity of the locals looking for the next gossip.

At least by high school that had been easier; guys didn't have sleepovers at that age and went to parties instead. His mom was always home, he'd complained and prayed nobody would see through it, so he'd gotten invited to the parties instead of being expected to throw them. Some nights he had even gotten back home before his mom did and could pretend that she was out with some guy that wasn't going to treat her badly and scream at him; he could crawl into bed with the delusion that he'd wake up to her making breakfast and smiling like she used to.

It never happened; it was never going to happen.

Justin learned how to survive on his own, he'd thought, before; but it was different when even the shaky foundation he had was finally gone. Without Bryce offering him shelter and food, and most anything else he needed, for a price; getting by had gotten rough. Without Jess there to hold him up and take his mind miles from the weight of things it just seemed to build up. Alex had saved him, even if he didn't know that yet; but Justin hadn't gone back to the hospital and the longer he stayed away the more he wasn't sure he should return. 

It was Tyler who had put him in that position; of all the unlikely people.

Left in the spot where he'd been catching bits of sleep in the park, staring at the skies above the boxy little enclosure of the jungle gym; thinking those stars just made him feel like he mattered even less in the full sum of the universe.

He could just walk away; there was something inviting in the idea of having a clean break and not having to care.

Not knowing he had pushed Jess to drink, like his dad had pushed his mom to it when he'd left, never having to think about Hannah, or wonder if Alex was getting better; never having to face Bryce or school again. Just walk away and see what happened next; Justin Foley was great at shrugging things off and pretending like they weren't important; even if they ate him up from the inside.

"I don't get what it is with miserable people hanging around this playground."

The voice was one Justin knew, but not well, other than knowing it belonged to someone he had yet to figure out where he stood with; and at that moment he had even less desire to talk to.

"Figured you limited your stalking to Jensen," he muttered with barely a glance towards Tony as the other teen, who had a strange habit of appearing from nowhere, leaned against one of the poles of the structure Justin was using as a perch.

Tony had grown up in that town as well, but that was where the kinship ended; because the other teen was lucky enough to have thrived in a family of siblings and good-natured chaos. Tony was never alone, there was always someone to have his back and even demanding parents seemed somehow better than parents who traded off your well being for a drink. Maybe that was why Justin had always inwardly refused to be too close a friend to Tony; seeing all that good day after day growing up would have been too painful to stomach. 

He envied it, just a tiny bit, even then.

"Funny you should mention that," Tony chuckled in that tone that never lifted above soft and steady, soothing, "I'm on my way in a few minutes to pick him up from work. He's still a little...nervous walking home alone after what happened." 

Justin wished he could feel a fitful amount of annoyance towards Tony but it wasn't easy to get mad at the guy; something about him just gave off the sort of vibes that made him likable. And as much as Justin hated to admit it he couldn't blame Jensen for being jumpy; the past few days even he had been feeling it. But of course Jensen had his constant knight in the shadows to save him; Bryce had loathed Tony for exactly that reason and Justin felt a twinge of guilt looking back on it. 

He was too damned tired for more guilt.

The best he could dredge was a weak grumble, "Shouldn't keep your boyfriend waiting." 

"My boyfriend is at home, probably wondering why I'm off picking Clay up again," Tony mused, humored, but even he was starting to feel like things had begun to blur in his life when it came to Clay. That was not, however, a topic he cared to discuss with Justin; unless it was helpful.

"How's Alex?"

"Do you just drive around spying on everyone?" Justin mumbled, almost relieved at the question but the weight of it made him uneasy. "He's fine, getting better." 

"Good; I thought he would; he's pretty tough," Tony remarked, eyes on the edge of an outline that he knew to belong to Justin in the streetlights, but his eyes only remained there a short second, "They gonna let him out of there soon?"

"Don't know," Justin didn't want to consider that; a few minutes before he was debating walking right out of town himself and by that point in the conversation he was busy wondering what he was going to do when Alex did go home. Eventually, he was going back to the hospital, he couldn't lie to himself about that, but that window was getting smaller. 

And Alex didn't know he had nowhere else to go.

"His dad tell him?"

The question caught Justin off guard; he didn't know for sure if Mr. Standall had spoken to Alex. If he had it had likely left him a wreck, again, and Justin wondered how much more of that Alex could take in the state he was in. Hell; he could barely take much more himself; Alex was probably half out of his mind by now if he knew about the past few days. 

Probably sick with that stomach thing he had going on when he got anxious, not getting enough answers from his dad and thinking the worst; Alex wasn't an optimist. 

And Justin knew that; he felt like he knew as much about Alex anymore as he did Jess, if not more. That was a weird line, something he didn't really know what to think of yet. The highly tentative label of best friend had nestled itself into place without Justin realizing it; Alex wasn't just somewhere to spend the night anymore. 

"Hey Tony?" 

Justin had to grit his teeth to swallow his pride but it wasn't the first time he'd had to do that just to get by; it probably wouldn't be the last. Trading out pride for necessity was a skill that, sadly, Justin had developed as a survival instinct. He didn't even glanced down when he heard the 'hmn?' in reply; he just shut his eyes for a second and forced himself to ask.

"You think you've got time to drop me off over at the hospital before you pick up Jensen?"


	7. Chapter 7

Alex was not all too happy to see Justin when he came slinking back into that room, bag slung over his slumped shoulders and dragging himself in like a dog left outside all night; quiet as he attempted to make it to his chair without waking him up. But Alex was awake; he hadn't slept much in the four days the chair had remained empty and the air in the room had felt stale with the silence.

"You look like hell," he muttered without bothering to turn his head; from the corner of his eye he saw the way Justin just sank down and reached out to grab a stray pillow at the edge of the nearby bed.

A moment of shifting, sheets rustling as he nestled amid them and tucked his face against the soft pillow; Justin's reply was too weak for Alex to make out. So it must have been an interesting few days; he doubted they had been spent studying for tests either. At least he couldn't detect the scent of weed hanging around Justin and his motions were too smooth to be offset by alcohol; it had to be pure exhaustion.

He was owed some answers, and for a tense moment he thought about demanding them, but the thought lost all ground when he noticed that Justin had fallen asleep; the steady lull of his breathing filling the room and breaking up the edges of that anger. Alex still wanted answers, yes, but there was something almost hypnotic in how much he had missed that sound; something in how it forced his own tension to melt and he found himself fighting to hold back a yawn.

It could wait, for the moment; it was going to have to because Alex couldn't manage to keep his own eyes open. He dropped his head back against the pillows with a sigh, letting the slow sound dissolve his own thoughts into sleep.

It was still evening when Alex caught sight of motion; the tale-tell shifting and tense twitching that rustled the sheets in that narrow chair; in the near darkness of the room he could hear more than see. The window was faintly illuminated by the buildings outside but dawn was still miles and hours away; with no way to measure time without digging his phone from under the edge of the mattress, the best Alex could guess it was well past midnight.

Justin tossed and turned, as much as anyone could inside the confines of that small space, and muttered wordless sounds. Alex strained to hear but came up short; only the occasional half-formed word broke through the muddled lot of it.

One sharp intake of breath marked the end of that restless sleep, leaving Justin blinking owlishly and trying to remember where he was. As the hospital came into gray focus he stretched, barely, and cast his eyes towards the bed and the line of Alex's shoulder; his back turned to him, and the absurdity of that hat pulled down half over his eyes even in sleep. Justin understood it, sure, that it was some sort of security issue; but was starting to wonder if Alex ever planned to take it off.

Alex could feel that stare.

When he finally gave up and shuffled in the bed, sitting up to scrub his palm against his eyes, he trailed off in some sound that was a wordless protest to the idea of everything right then. How he could be so desperate to sleep and so equally ready to lunge at whatever Justin had to say was at best confusing.

So many things were confusing since the night he'd decided to give up on life only to find it stubbornly refused to give up on him.

"Yeah?"

When Justin said nothing in return Alex tipped his head to fix his own flat stare on the other teen; his lips drawn into a frown of sorts. Expectation was written there, along his furrowed brow and tired eyes; he deserved an answer.

"It's nothing, man, everybody is fine," the words were so vague that Alex had no idea what to make of them. Thinking he might have been missing more than he realized, he reached for the remote connected to the bed and smashed the button that made the dim lights flicker on so that he could actually see what was going on.

Justin remained hidden under the safety of that blanket, a slow breath echoing inside the sterile walls.

When the pause drew out thick between them finally Justin lifted his eyes and Alex saw the sheet slide down his arched shoulders.

"Tyler lost it; he showed up at school like he was going to shoot the place up. He had a list; we were all on it," Justin knew that Alex would understand what he meant, the people Tyler had his sights on, "Except you."

It was Alex's turn to draw a jagged breath; the revelation made no sense and perfect sense at once and more than anything it was terrifying.

People pushed too far; they either hurt themselves or someone else. It was a shockingly tense realization of just how much he and Tyler were the best examples of the extremes and Alex tried to imagine what it must have felt like to be strung so tight and so angry that destroying the objects of your misery was the only answer.

He had thought giving up on living was the worst point a person could reach but with those words and the sick feeling growing from them in the pit of his stomach there were things so much more terrible.

"What happened?" Finally, he pulled his voice from the tangle of his swimming head, feeling dizzy.

"Not much; he showed up and waited until after first period; it all went to hell but somebody must have called the cops quick." Justin's voice fell short of the horror of that day, he had tried over and over since that morning to make any sense of it and found only dulled, uneasy acceptance that there was no real sense to find.

"Your dad was there," he added quietly; but Alex had to know that given what his father did.

"Was anybody-" he couldn't get the words out and they caught in the back of his throat, forcing Alex to swallow them down.

"No, Marcus and Courtney weren't even there; some student council college thing, a lot of people were gone. I saw Zach after, he was a mess, Jensen was ranting, I heard everybody else was okay."

The best he could do was try to downplay it some, take a little of the edge off the idea because being there had been more intense than he liked to remember. That fear of not knowing if you were going to die or not was enough to freeze anyone cold. When he had briefly toyed with the idea of giving up himself it had been absent, that chill, but faced with mortality Justin had decided he wanted to live, regardless of the difficulties of it.

And the time when the school had been closed and he'd had nothing to do but wander aimlessly had been plenty enough to think.

"I think I get it better now."

"My dad never said anything," Alex mumbled, "He never said anything at all about it."

Sheltering him from the world, or else maybe it was keeping him out of it; whichever was the case his father always found one way or another to do it. A raw nerve, that, one that dug under Alex's skin so badly.

"Get it? Oh, Tyler; we did that too, pushed him that far," he absently added.

What kept turning over in his head was more than just what Tyler had done, or why, but the way he had gone about it. Nobody ever did things like that and expected it to end with any possibility but the police and gunshots. It was an ugly way to end your own life by taking those around you.

Alex couldn't breathe; chest tight and stomach twisted in agony as the words circled inside his skull. Tyler had wanted to kill them all; he was so angry and so alone that killing everyone was the only answer he felt he had left.

They had failed him even worse than Hannah.

And Tyler had decided to spare him from that list; why?

He searched his memories, hazy as they were, and came up with perhaps a handful of times he had stepped in to run off some of the more vicious attacks towards the other teen. He wasn't fond of Tyler really, that kid was a unique and dangerous sort of creepy, but sometimes things went way too far. He hadn't felt sorry for him, exactly, but having known what it was like to be the weird kid that got picked on; Alex had felt some empathy.

He wished he would have found just a little more; it could have stopped Tyler from thinking he had no choices left.

His friends could have died. They could have been where he was; in some hospital bed, torn up by gunshots and fading away. It could have been worse for them, so much worse.

Because he had done what he had to himself and maybe they were all to blame for part of the pain that pushed Tyler so far but nobody should have to pay that high a price.

And he was exempt from it, yet again; even if he'd been a school he would have gotten away with his part in things. His friends might have died and somehow he didn't deserve the same; he always seemed to slide past the repercussions and through no effort of his own.

Everyone made excuses for him.

Inwardly he placed that blame, again, on himself and his lungs struggled for air, his vision grew blurry at the edges; his body refused to listen when he begged it to let him catch his breath. It came in ragged, disjointed efforts and his gaze unfocused, fixed ahead of him without seeing anything; he was suffocating in that panic.

Justin was saying something he couldn't hear, not as anything more than some echo off to the side; everything was outside that bubble tightening around him and threatening to choke the life right out of his heaving chest.

"Standall; what the hell is going on with you?"

Justin tried, for the third time, to break past that blank, panicked look in Alex's eyes, could see his grasping at air and fighting with something that wasn't even real inside his head.

He didn't know what to do, it was new and frightening; he had seen Alex in some pretty pathetic states the past few months but nothing like that disconnected, nearly violent episode.

Justin sat up sharply and grabbed for the call button to the nurse's station, found it missing, buried under the blankets, and in his search came across Alex's hand instead. He grabbed it, fingers wrapped around it much the same as he had done in those days before Alex had woken up. He hadn't done that afterward, had barely ventured close enough for contact at all; keeping space between them.

Alex uttered a sound like a weary animal, head dipped low and Justin could see the gleam of anxiety bright in his eyes; couldn't see much of anything else in that wide gaze. But his fingers twitched and closed, almost painfully tighter than he assumed Alex would have been able to, around that hand. Gritting his teeth, Justin waited it out, unable to move to the door to call the nurse, unwilling to jerk his hand back and startle Alex worse.

He had no idea what to do, just kept repeating Alex's name, trying to break that strange fit until he sounded half crazy himself with his rambling; only barely keeping the panic out of his tone.

But he would have given anything to have that button or have one of the nurses wander in to check on Alex; he didn't know what to do but hang on.

It was nothing short of a godsend when he spotted the edge of cord attached to the remote; it controlled various things in the room like the TV and the lights but far more important was that it summoned help. To reach it Justin had to twist his other arm around, all but shove his hand behind Alex's pillow and snatch the object from where it lay, nearly dropping it in the process but he just didn't dare to.

The chirp of the nurses' station over the small speaker in the top of the device sounded along with the typical 'how can I help you?' greeting; it was the best sound Justin had heard in forever.

Dropping the remote the next second hadn't been part of the plan but at that point, any sort of planning was reduced to not wanting to watch Alex fall over dead right in front of him. And in the few short moments it took Linda, the woman Justin was willing to declare a saint when she walked through the door, to arrive he was reduced to feeling like a lost kid.

A brisk step and she was by the bedside, not looking nearly as alarmed as Justin thought was fitting, and reaching to carefully pry Alex's hand away from Justin's wrist; it didn't budge.

"It's fine," Justin protested; he was going to have a few interesting little marks from those short nails later but that was the furthest thing from his mind and he was almost relieved when she nodded and turned her attention back to Alex instead.

A quick check of his eyes and her hand fell lightly to his tense shoulder, her voice steady and calm, "Alex? Just breathe sweetie; it's okay. You just concentrate on breathing; in and out."

How she remained so quiet, so eased in the moment, had Justin baffled when he'd been expecting chaos and something drastic to happen, had been braced for it in fact. But nothing came, only her repeating the words in that same unwavering voice.

Moments that felt like years melted away and slowly, so slowly, Alex's tense muscles went slack; energy spent too quickly and his body couldn't keep up with his racing mind. He became aware of, gradually, the warm spot where Justin's hand curled around his own. Eyes drawn there and fixated on the spot; Linda only smiled and gave Justin a brief nod in expectation.

"You're alright now, aren't you? You're right here with us; there you go...just catch your breath and focus." She drew her own hand away and when her gaze flickered back to Justin it finally clicked what she wanted from him.

He tried so hard to keep the shaky edge out of his voice when he spoke, it took a moment to recover and hide it.

"Yeah, come on man, just breathe. You can do that, it's easy," even as the words left his lips Justin felt a twitch of Alex's fingers and the slowing of his breath to something that didn't sound like ghastly rattling inside his chest.

With it came a look he did know, having seen it on several occasions when Alex had first started coming out of that drug-induced sleep; dizziness. He could have pinpointed the moment practically when Alex was going to slump, and being all but pinned in place by that grip on his wrist he was glad Linda was there to catch Alex's shoulder and give him a slow edge back to rest them against the inclined head of the bed.

"M'okay," finally, in a sluggish tone, Alex spoke and his grip went lighter but didn't pull away so Justin didn't try to either.

It was an eternity of several more moments before Alex had relaxed fully, eyes sleep-heavy but thankfully focused. Justin didn't dare move until he seemed lulled, and even at that point it was only to cast a questioning look at Linda.

The nurse took pity on him and offered a tired smile of her own as she straightened Alex's blankets and made him more comfortable; a shallow point by then since Alex had retreated to that half dazed, half asleep state.

"Panic attack," she explained, "they may happen sometimes now. There's going to be a lot of new things to deal with now that he's healing; it might be a long time before anyone is going to know exactly what has healed and what's always going to be different."

She stepped from the bed and reached down to pick up the remote, placing it back next to Alex's side before her eyes fell back on Justin.

"When it happens there's not much you can do but stay calm and talk someone down from it; once they feel safe they usually come out of it easier." The more she said the more Justin realized why she had been so calm; for her it must have been something familiar compared to the shock it had jolted over him; he was going to have to get past that for Alex's sake.

He only nodded when she offered a few more words, "It's scary but it looks worse than it is, except to the person feeling it; to them it's like feeling as if the world is closing in and all the air is gone."

It was so much; Justin hadn't felt so overwhelmed in a long time and it must have shown on his face because the kind woman gave his shoulder a squeeze as she stepped past him.

"If it happens again and you can't handle it call for help; that's what we're here for. But, like you saw, most people come down from them much easier when they know someone they trust is with them; so you do more good than I can."

Maybe she was right, surely the words weren't just for the sake of being kind since it was Alex's well-being in question, but Justin still felt as if he barely knew how to catch his own breath right then. He hadn't expected being there to be so difficult.

But who else was going to be there for Alex?

His parents tried but they couldn't spend night after night in that room, and watching the other teen finally slip back into that relaxed sleep put Justin at ease himself. He felt needed for once, actually needed; his mom had never let him help her and he had made a mess of trying to help Jess...he was a real screw-up when it came to knowing how to do anything good for other people.

He wasn't entirely failing with Alex though; it was starting to feel important.

There was guilt, just a twinge, at knowing the conversation had likely put Alex into that attack, but it was over and things were as okay as they could be.

"You're a real bastard, you know that Standall? Scaring me half to death; the fuck is up with you man." Justin mumbled without any real annoyance, just glad it was over. And he didn't dare move more than what it took to grab the pillow off the chair and pull it close enough to drop his head against it at the side of the bed; it made sense to stay close the rest of the night just in case.

The next time Alex stirred he had only a foggy recollection of the moments of intense panic; could remember that suffocating feeling and the sound of voices, but so little else. But it felt far away when his pale eyelashes parted to the sight of Justin half slumped, perched in the chair with his upper body draped over the bed in heavy sleep.

A strange enough sight to begin with but it was the unfamiliar warmth that drew Alex's attention to the spot where Justin's hand remained curled across his own. That he did remember; gripping so tightly onto the only thing that felt real in those terrifying moments. And even then he only passively studied the contrast in his own fair skin and the deeper tan of Justin's; it was nothing like when his mother had held his hand.

The touch was a different one; strong, that hand just slightly larger than his own and so very warm in comparison. The last thing Alex expected to wake up to was Justin Foley sleeping at his bed and holding his hand; it wasn't anything the felt altogether real. What it did feel was like a comfort in the darkness; something Alex was endlessly grateful for.

He didn't even try to move, only settled back and let his eyes drift shut in tired surrender.


	8. Chapter 8

When he felt the spill of sunlight filtered through the binds heating his face Alex's eyelids made a weak effort at lifting, only to fall once more; there was no point in dragging out of sleep so early and it had become a daily routine to fight it until whatever doctor showed up first to bother him made an appearance. He was mostly sure it was Friday and that meant the physical therapist; all happy smiles and far too cheerful for Alex's taste.

But at that hour of the morning anyone was too cheerful for Alex.

Something was different that morning and he realized it when he went to turn to his other side; nose hitting the edge of a pillow and a scruff of messy russet hair. Left blinking while his brain tried to catch up, Alex reached and gave what he assumed was a real person and not some stray twitch inside his skull a soft prod. The grumbled he gained in return confirmed it and then, finally, the evening before came flooding back to him.

"Forgot you were here," Alex confessed while Justin stirred and uttered something about trying to sleep, clearly just as much not a morning person as himself.

It was something new, a change to the usual routine; Justin was always gone before he woke in the mornings, gone long before any visitors or doctors might show up.

"Do whatever you want but my dad is going to be here soon and even I don't like to see him first thing in the morning."

Not the way to start any day, with the scrutiny of his father to mark the rest of it. But Alex had resigned himself to being a disappointment in the man's eyes and as deeply as it stung he didn't know how to fix it. Obviously adding trying to shoot himself to the list of reasons why his father avoiding talking too much with the guys at work about his youngest kid wasn't the place to start.

"What time is it?" Justin had finally rejoined the living world, looking every bit as if he hadn't seen a shower or a change of clothes in a few days; even his hair was a bit more chaotic than the usual mess.

Alex hadn't given much thought to it before but when did Justin actually go home? He brought his bag with him from school and he left in the morning; something just didn't add up.

"Damn, it's late."

The muttering from the other teen cut off the train of thought, as frustrating as it was Alex just did not have the focus since that night to listen to a conversation and focus on one inside his head at the same time.

"Early, actually," he corrected, earning a roll of eyes that he ignored.

"Did you say your dad is going to be here?"

"He's here every morning; it's when he gets off his shift." Alex wasn't surprised by the effort to move the words caused; his father was someone most of his friends kept at a distance from. The man wasn't frightening, exactly, but he had a commanding presence that made people uneasy. There was no getting used to it, even as old as he was Alex was wary of breaking the rules his dad set into place.

"You can stay if you want," Alex tested the waters and something in his voice hinted at not wanting to be left alone strongly enough that Justin admitted defeat and slumped back into the chair.

"Just for a while."

 

That while turned into the entire morning, and while Justin didn't mind catching up on some rest and certainly not the nurses' willingness to push lunch on him when Alex ate he didn't know what to really make of the physical therapy; as he expressed to Alex, several times in the few minutes spent walking to the end of the hallway on the floor and then back to the soft click and clank of those crutches. It was endlessly easier once they had finally disconnected him from all the tubes and monitors, the IV that remained in his arm still stung at every motion but at least he didn't feel tied to the damn bed by all those lines. Walking without needing someone to drag the IV pole with him was also a plus; more for his pride honestly but even he still had some to cling to.

"They know you can walk without those, right?" Justin had pointed out with a curious eye cast towards said crutches; after volunteering to walk with him it had become clear how slow the process was.

"Yeah," Alex mumbled, "Of course I can walk without them but they don't want a lawsuit if I get dizzy or blackout and fall over."

"If you black out those aren't going to stop you from falling over," Justn logic was simple at times but irritatingly true.

"That's what you're here for, dumbass, so if I blackout you can make sure I don't crack my skull back open on the floor."

Alex's tone was thin but Justin shrugged it off as just the frustration of having so much to contend with when doing even simple things; it would have driven him crazy so he had to give Alex a little leeway on that one. Besides; he missed the old sarcasm and the other teen just wasn't himself without that bite to his words.

"What if I don't catch you?"

"Then when I wake up you'll regret it."

It was such an amusing threat that Justin couldn't help but smile and even Alex did as well, if only a tiny bit.

 

By the time they had finished their slow pace of the floor and returned to the room Alex's father was waiting, a hint of surprise at the sight of Justin.

"School's still closed," Justin had explained quietly as he edged out of the way once Alex was in bed, skirting the corner of the room himself, "Thought Alex could use some company."

"I'm sure he appreciates it," Mr. Standall had nodded and gave Justin an approving glance, one that Alex couldn't help but feel a little envious of as he set his crutches aside, "Don't you son?"

"Yes sir," the automatic response slid past his lips so easily he barely realized it until after the fact.

"Good to see you on your feet, it won't be long now before you're back to normal."

The words sounded more, to Justin, like an order than hopeful; but watching the strangely tense interaction between them made him wonder if that was all Alex's dad knew how to offer him.

The man was worried, it was obvious, but he was also avoiding any sort of addressing the situation for what it was, or addressing his son too intimately. Justin felt as though he were interfering and remained silent in the background, trying to be forgotten.

"Maybe next year you should try out for the basketball team," with the words Mr. Standall had ventured closer to the bed, not close enough to touch, just short of that much. And when he glanced towards Justin for confirmation of the idea all the teen could do was offer a stumbled nod of agreement.

Alex would have rather shot himself in the foot, ironic as that was, than attempt the idea but he was not going to voice that to his dad. He forced a weak smile and echoed the same response in agreement; it took obvious effort.

"The nurse was in here while you were out, talking about taking those bandages off," the change of subject was a desperate sort of one even if Mr. Standall's voice never changed in pitch; he needed to see progress. He needed to know his son was going to be okay, but he needed it on his terms.

The news caused the strangest expression to settle on Alex's face; a frown on his lips and an unfocused flicker in his eyes before he jumped, startled, when his father's hand fell to his shoulder in a light squeeze.

"Hang in there, you'll get home soon," the man drew his hand back after a fleeting few seconds, "Speaking of which; I have to head there myself. You need anything?"

"Yes sir, I mean..no; I'm fine." Alex stammered, gathering himself after the verbal stumble, "There's nothing I need."

The nod was brief, and so was the one directed at Justin before Mr. Standall stepped away from the bed, "Good seeing you too Justin."

And when he was gone it felt bizarre to Justin, trying to fit the encounter together in a way that made sense; but he had so little reference when it came to family dynamic, and none of them much good anymore.

Alex had collapsed back against the bed, eyes on the ceiling and tension heavy in his entire body; he looked anything but happy over the news, or the visit; it was difficult to tell which had been more troubling.

Justin felt a twinge of sympathy after witnessing it all.

"He's trying," he pointed out as quietly as he dared, not sure Alex even wanted to hear those words.

"Yeah."

The blond agreed but said nothing else, he only peered upward with a disconnected stare that made even Justin uneasy. Since he could do little else at the time Justin grabbed the chair and pulled it back close to the bed, not knowing what to say left him just sitting in miserable silence with him. But it was better than being alone, he hoped.

 

By the time night had rolled around and Alex was still off in his own head more than present in the real world, aside from one bout of annoyance over knocking a glass over while he was eating lunch, Justin had already formulated what he thought was a great plan.

Which by most standards a Justin Foley plan was at best a bit questionable but there was a purpose to it and determination, and just a hint of lingering uneasiness over how Alex had shut down so much over the course of the day and turned uneasy and tense.

Whatever was eating at him likely was something Justin had no control over fixing so he defaulted to a better idea; a distraction.

 

"Are you out of your mind?" Alex deadpanned, simply staring at Justin as though he had, in fact, gone insane over the course of the day, "And coming from a guy with a hole in his head it's saying something if I think you're crazy."

"I'm going to overlook that, Standall, because you've had a bad day, and because on your best days you're still not all that pleasant."  
Cheerful, his tone, Justin lingered near the doorway of the room, peering out into the dim track lighting that kept the hallways just barely lit after visiting hours had ended.

"Look; they just checked everything out for the night a few minutes ago and they don't come back until about four, that gives us plenty of time." He knew the way things worked after being there so many nights, knew when the shifts turned and what hours patients were left to sleep; it was a foolproof plan in his opinion.

Alex was not so easily convinced.

"You want to explain it to my dad if we get caught?"

"Even if we get caught whose going to care? We're going one floor downstairs, not even leaving the hospital." Justin gave the hallway another glance before ducking back inside the doorway and turning an expectant look towards the other teen. "Just count it as physical therapy."

"Because it's so realistic that I can even walk to the elevator without getting caught, much less make it...wherever the hell we're going."

Deadpan seemed to be Alex's tone of choice for the conversation.

"What's wrong? Afraid of ruining your good little soldier act?" Justin taunted; at that point anything that would get Alex in motion, he was tried of watching him wallow in misery in that bed all day.

It hit a nerve and earned Justin a glare but it also caused a pause of consideration; those white walls had begun to feel suffocating.

"Fine; but don't complain to me when they throw you out if we get caught," Alex grumbled as he reached for the crutches, tucking them under his arms when he stood and silently grateful that he wasn't attempting the idea in those ridiculous hospital gowns.  
Injured or not there was still a good amount of Alex Standall who refused to look like a mess; they may have only been allowing him to wear pajamas but he at least was wearing his own and that had been a small victory.

In part, thanks to Linda; that woman really was a saint.

But, the thought aside that if they did get caught at least he would look vaguely presentable, Alex didn't want to suffer the disapproving look from his father or the conversation that would not doubt come from getting caught. He must have been a little out of his mind too because he had no reason to agree, nobody to impress with his bravado in bending the rules; only Justin. And he had lost of feeling as though he needed to impress him in the wake of the last few days.

Justin really was out of his mind, and he was following him.


	9. Chapter 9

Following him, yes, and downstairs no less; via the elevator that made Alex dizzy enough that he had to lean against the wall of it once they'd reached the floor below, then slowly, every click on the tile floors sounded far too loud to Alex's ears but it was still oddly inviting.

He had seen nothing but the inside of that room for so long he had lost count of days. The rest of the hospital wasn't any more exciting but it was something different; he didn't even notice how tired the walk made him because he was too curious as to where Justin had planned to lead him.  
More baffling was when it was that Justin did things like plan or scheme, or much of anything other than just going with the flow around him. It was bemusing to witness and Alex liked it; perhaps in part, because it felt like more effort than anyone really needed to make for him.

Justin had been surprising him a lot the last few weeks; he would never have expected to see the kindness the other teen had offered, or the strangely resolute determination he had in being there, night after night, when Alex needed him. Even the days Justin had gone missing, now that he understood the reasons Alex couldn't be angry over it.

He had underestimated Justin.

"Almost there Standall, you're not going to keel over on me yet, right?"

"If I am I'm making sure to fall on you, don't worry," Alex countered, stubbornly refusing he felt out of breath.

Justin had noticed though, in spite of his efforts to hide it, and held open the glass door they arrived at, "I'd have to be the one to catch you in the first place so that's not much of a threat; you're getting slow man, about as quick with a comeback as Montgomery."

"There's a special sort of hell for people who pick on guys with crutches."  
Deadpan, but barely, even Alex couldn't keep his expression straight for long and Justin was already laughing as he strolled over to laze down on the bench in the small enclosed space.

Plants, Alex was so glad to see something other than flowers and the potted things dotting the area were some variation he couldn't have identified as anything other than some generic garden plants but some effort had been made towards what he assumed to be a theme. And fresh air, not the oxygen-saturated stand-in pumped through the halls of the hospital, his lungs barely knew how to react. It felt so good though; the small courtyard was obviously meant for lunch breaks or something of the sort but still lit by the towering lights of the building in the darkness it was inviting and he could feel the lingering heat from the day still baked into the stone under his sock-clad feet rested upon.

It had felt like forever since he had heard anything but the beep of monitors and stale TV blaring so the trickling sound of water captured in a fountain in the center of the space was almost difficult to identify at first, like his brain had forgotten what some things were, but in slow washes of awareness he fit the pieces together.

And tired as he was, as much as he wanted to sit there and look around, he had to sink down himself on one of the wide benches, careful not to fling the crutches to the side and hit Justin as he did so.

"Let me guess, you sneak out here to smoke," he finally spoke once the pleasant lull of the place had worked its' magic to untangle a bit of the tension in his shoulders and spine.

Justin laughed, another sound that felt rare, and shook his head no; he hadn't really touched the stuff since the start of that hospital stay but he doubted Alex would have believed him if he said so.

It was almost hypnotic, and Alex was annoyed at himself for thinking so since it was only some little courtyard walkway, but just getting out of that room felt like a victory. And peaceful, a bit too much so, he sank into comfortable silence with a blanket of that early summer air warming him all around.  
Hard to take it for granted right then and he wondered if he would feel that way about other things; because he hadn't felt any resounding sensation of life changing awareness after his short dodge from death. Maybe that was just in the movies; in the real world people didn't come back to living with some grand new perspective so much as they earned it along the way.

They sat in comfortable silence for long minutes, Justin with his shoulders pressed back against the wall behind the bench, half slumped in an eased way and Alex perched at the edge of it with eyes heavy but calmer than they had been in days. Seconds ticked past and they both thought, neither spoke until Alex finally gathered the nerve.

"When you said before you thought you figured it out, you didn't mean Tyler."  
It wasn't an accusation so much as a tired acceptance, a brace for yet one more round of someone telling him how sympathetic they were for all his pain, shoving the pity card at him.  
Justin shook his head before he sat up more, arms stretched above him to flex out the stiffness before he relaxed once again.

"It's a real bastard move trying to kill yourself Standall," he pointed out in answer to that testing statement, "Some people actually like having you around."  


Caught off guard by the words, Alex only sat there until he fumbled with something, anything to say, "It was my fault."

"That list thing? Yeah, that was your fault, you wrote a list. I kissed her, and somehow we're part of the reason she killed herself?" Justin's tone wasn't cruel but it was set, his lips drawn into a thin frown. "You figure killing yourself makes up for anything? You think she wanted you to do that?"

"It's not the only reason," Alex protested weakly.

"It's not much of a reason at all. Hannah did what she wanted, she was an okay girl, a good enough person, but dumping all that on everybody when she went? It's twisted and cruel." Justin tipped his glance toward the other teen and in the darkness he could see that hint of wildness flickering in Alex's eyes.

"So why else did you do it? Maybe we pushed Hannah too far but how were we supposed to even know to save her? Hell, you were right there in front of all of us and none of us knew to save you."

And the guilt of that made Justin ache a little because he had gotten to know Alex in that brief time, not the degree he did by that point but he still should have seen the signs because there were so many.

The car, the pool, the fighting, the throwing his plans and future away just to prove he was responsible for a girl who had made a choice; Alex hadn't been well the entire time and supposedly the people who were his friends ignored it all.  
He didn't actually know how much any of them could have done or not for Hannah, if she would have accepted their help even, they should have done more but there was no going back.

"See, that's what I mean; nobody wants to take responsibility for what they did; we killed her. I killed her; I let Jess get close to you and she got hurt, I could have done a million other things to keep any of it from happening." Alex felt so tense with the words, his breath catching in his throat and he jerked up standing just to rid himself of the tension. "It wasn't just her but part of it, yeah; maybe I deserved this."

Justin watched, flinching and almost reaching for the crutches himself to shove them at Alex but he was frozen by the words, unable to move beyond his gaze darting to the rigid form of the blonde.

"One stupid mistake and I killed somebody, I killed my friend and somebody should be responsible for that," his words spilled out in a rush, half disjointed, jolted and in spots he had to force them past his teeth to get them out, "I deserved that more than she did, she had reasons to be here, probably more than I do. So yeah, maybe-" the faltering was obvious, the frustration when the words refused to come forth.

It was almost vicious, needlessly so, that anger; it was far more than Justin has seen before and it wasn't Alex. It was something off in his head still, all tangled up in those dark thoughts and misery; a hundred times worse than it should have been. It was frightening to see that lapse of control, to see Alex lose himself to the emotions he had so little defense against still even inside his own damaged skull.  
Unsteady, it all felt like a rush of too much air, too much energy all at once, the few unsteady steps he paced might as well have been miles for the way his body reacted so violently to them, betraying him and Justin say the instant that Alex's shoulders went stiff, his eyes out of focus.

"I.." It was even worse when his voice trailed off weak, his entire body following suit as a flutter of dizziness came crashing over him; in some logical spot of his mind Alex knew it was too much, could fell his legs give out short seconds before they folded and the ground was not going to feel good.

"Christ Standall," Justin muttered with a lunge off the bench that barely brought him to the other teen in time to shove his hands under the other's arms, keeping both of them barely hauled up on his feet as Alex slumped against him, blinking and dazed as that rolling wash of too-intense anger began to taper down to a low simmer.

He didn't dare move, the awkwardness of the moment was secondary to not wanting Alex to collapse and crack his skull against the tile; Justin didn't want to think about what that would have done to his unhealed injuries. And when the tension in that smaller form finally began to ease, the mutter of annoyance not as breathy and labored he checked to make sure and spotted Alex's eyes flickered towards him from under the edge of that black hat.

"I don't want somebody to have to save me."

"I wish somebody would save me sometimes," Justin countered with a weary sigh; it was shockingly easy to say at that moment and he could feel Alex shift slightly against him when he spoke those words.

Neither of them spoke for a moment until a drawn sigh broke past Alex's lips.

"No," he muttered, "I meant...the dizziness, I'm tired of people having to keep me from falling over."

"Oh, I thought-" Justin barely managed before Alex's quiet 'yeah' at least gave him an out to avoid finishing that uneasy line of conversation.

Alex rolled his eyes and straightened up a bit, but actually standing on his own two feet was hindered by the taller teen trying to keep him upright.  
"Well, this is mortifying." And it was, painfully so. "I can safely say you've seen me in almost every state of pathetic."

"I'm sure there are a few more I haven't gotten to see yet," Justin countered with a forced cheerful tone, uncertain about moving still even with Alex giving him that irritated look.

"I think I hate you right now," Alex sighed with a shake of his head that bordered amused, "Foley, could you please let me go while I still have some shred of dignity intact?"

"Dignity must be really light, you weight nothing, seriously man."

And at that point, Justin's words, even Alex couldn't help but dissolve into weak laughter at the absurdity of the entire situation.

"Fuck you Foley, just let me go," no anger left and the words came out between mild shaking from that laughter and the accented motion of Alex's elbow digging into his ribs.

He'd forgotten how crisp and sweet Alex's laughter sounded, had forgotten what his voice was like when he was happy; and it brought a small grin to his face to hear that light sound.  
Justin did take a step back at that point, eyes still sharp to every motion as Alex slumped a bit and moved to sink down on the bench again, finally able to relax and laugh it off as he flopped down next to the other teen.

"It really wasn't just Hannah," Alex confessed with a glance sideways but at that point, he felt if the conversation was going to happen he needed to get it all out and see where the judgment landed. He had to trust someone, he wasn't sure why it had to be Justin but, somehow, that's how the cards had fallen.  
"I'm never going to be what my dad wants, I hurt the people I cared about, and it's so damn lonely and huge, everything, so much bigger than things are supposed to feel at this point."

"Who ever is what their dad wants? And we all hurt people, you want to feel bad about it go ahead and feel horrible but you don't deserve to stop being here," Justin turned his head to meet Alex's gaze, uncertain of how to reassure him other than offer some common ground. "I thought about it too at one point, when things got bad, I lost my nerve though and then all of this happened with you and I was so busy being here I forgot about...thinking I was better off gone."

The confession rattled Alex because he had never thought that Justin might have entertained such an idea; he'd never know him to be so torn apart by much of anything but hearing it then made him wonder just what he was struggling through. He couldn't bring himself to ask, it seemed selfish to want to compare their lives.

"Doesn't your mom worry about you being gone all the time? If you're not at school you're here," it was a safer conversation and a needed break from the heaviness, and Alex was curious.

When he only received a shrug in return a frown stretched over his lips and what he wanted to open his mouth and ask, why she apparently didn't care where her son was at any given time, fell short and he forced the impulse down. It would have been like Justin asking about his dad and Alex fully understood uneasy family dynamics.  
He didn't feel guilty when Justin volunteered the information.

"Haven't been home much, it's not a great place, my mom's boyfriends are usually jerks. The newest one I can't stand."  
It wasn't a lie, it just wasn't the full truth, but saying it out loud felt better than Justin thought it would, felt like it had less power when it was out for the world to know, or at least for Alex to share his weariness in it.

"That's rough," the blond nodded because he couldn't relate and it was unfair to say otherwise, all he could was sit there, be there; ultimately that was all either of them could do for each other but it felt like so much at that moment.

But Alex was so very tired, worn down to the bone and the dull ache was starting to return; a sure sign it was almost time for another round of medication. The idea of trekking back upstairs felt like miles and miles he could not accomplish. Instead of even trying he lulled a bit, listening to Justin's breathing while they sat there, feeling the siren call of rest within it until he had to blink the laziness out of his eyes.

"We better go back or I'm going to be too out of it to walk that far," he yawned, dropping his shoulders against the wall in mild defeat.

Returning hadn't crossed Justin's mind, in his half-thought-out plan the goal had been to get Alex's there and past that that..the getting back was something he assumed would fall into place one way or another. But he should have compensated for it, perhaps, watching Alex slump in that tired daze; he hadn't prepared for the emotional outburst and the strain of it. It was still difficult for Justin to adjust to the idea that Alex was different now, still recovering; his brain didn't want to accept it or the limitations.

It was hard to look at Alex and not see him as just the same, hard to not want to gloss over the rough edges of that injury to keep Alex himself from being drug down by it.  
But there were ways to get most anything accomplished, it just took some unconventional efforts at times.

"You think you can do it now?"

It was an honest question and he could see the stubborn pride flare for that instant in Alex's eyes, the refusal to admit that maybe he couldn't, but the heaviness in his body won out and he muttered an uncertain answer.

Justin nodded and pushed himself up because while he really didn't think there was a lot of trouble to get into just for breaking someone out of a hospital room for a couple of hours he also didn't want to end up being told he couldn't come back.

"Come on Standall," he reached for Alex's hand to haul him up and really there was only one way to handle the problem, "you better be glad you don't weight anything now since I'm going to have to drag you back upstairs."

"Are you out of your mind?" Alex was certain he had voiced the question before, earlier that evening, and given Justin the same flat look to go with it. But the prospects of that solution did nothing for his stubborn pride.

"You wanna try to walk?" Justin countered and for a moment he thought Alex would just out of spite but finally the blonde, jaw set in an annoyed tense, shook his head.

"How're you going to get those, genius?" A nod towards the crutches, a slight stall as well, the blonde thought the question was a valid one.

"I'll come back for them, nobody is going to steal 'em." Justin replied simply and gave the other teen a nudge, it was an awkward, cumbersome attempt that eventually ended with a makeshift carry with Alex's arms a bit too tight around Justin's neck and shoulders and the rest of him supported by the tangle of legs in his arms. Justin only barely recalled a thin memory of his father holding him up that way, piggy-back, perched at his shoulders and craning a view over him; feeling so very tall even in his small body. It was a rare pleasant recollection, only half-formed and truthfully Justin wasn't certain if it were even true or just something he had wished for so badly his mind had granted him that. 

"I'll just be here, silently loathing you."

The sarcastic mumble was practically a godsend, pulling Justin away from the uncertain memory; tired as it was Alex's voice was what he needed to pull himself back to the real world. 

"You say this to the guy trying not to leave you down here to die," Justin countered with a slight adjustment because Alex's legs were longer than they looked at first in spite of the boy being shorter than him. "You're built like a praying mantis." 

"Excuse me?" 

"Long legs." He clarified when he nudged the door open, feeling Alex slump some as the tension began to fade. He wasn't sure if it was from being worn out or getting comfortable but Justin hoped the latter; that bundle of sharp angles was far easier to keep a grip on that the slack laziness that settled against his shoulders and he could at least stir the other teen enough to keep him from sliding. 

"You still awake?"

Justin rolled his eyes in faint amusement and admitted defeat when all he got in answer was a mumbled sound, marking that one off as yet another instance of something Alex would threaten to murder him over if he mentioned around other people. To be so outwardly dismissive of people Alex was so very guarded about how people saw him. 

It was a quiet. if not concentrated, trip back upstairs, then back down for the crutches after Alex was in bed, but not nearly asleep when Justin returned and dropped them at the bedside table and sank himself into the chair nearby. 

"Tonight wasn't entirely horrible," Alex offered with the barest hint of a smile on his lips. 

Justin nodded and lifted a hand in a vague motion of agreement, head tipped some to watch the other teen. "Yeah, things work out that way sometimes when you're not always being a good little soldier." 

"You'd be the expert on that," Alex countered and earned a grin from Justin; only he would be proud of it, of course. But he did have to admit the break was a needed one, the few minutes outside of that room had reminded him that there was a world beyond it. 

"You ready to get those bandages off tomorrow?" Justin stretched his long legs out and slumped once more, eyes sliding by habit to the hat hanging nearly across Alex's eyes. 

"No," he admitted truthfully, picking at a string that had come unraveled in the sheets, "Do I have a choice though?"

"Nah, and it'll be fine; you already had a weird head so one more lump isn't going to make much difference." Justin joked, because he could see the tiny flicker of anxiety playing at the corner of Alex's eyes, threatening to erupt into a storm. 

He gained a weak chuckle from the blonde but at best it was weak.

It would remain forever, whatever mark was left behind was one Alex would carry as a reminder for the rest of his life. Something he would always have to make excuses for or explain if people asked, something that would stare him in the mirror to force him to weight the choice he had made.  
It had to feel horrible to carry that weight but what Justin didn't know was how to make it any easier. Some things just couldn't be easier, they just had to be survived day by day. 

Alex was strong, he had no doubt, it was just a harder battle to convince Alex himself of that 

"I will be glad to bleach my hair again." An afterthought and one laced heavy with sleep, almost amusingly vain. Justin only rolled his eyes in silent agreement; far be it for the travesty of dark roots to continue to curse Alex Standall. 

"You're the weirdest guy I know." 

"And yet you still hang around here all the time," Alex countered with a shift of his pillow and a roll from one side to his left, facing the other teen as he relaxed in the chair. "Does your mom even know you're alive?"

"She barely knew before," Justin mumbled, eyes drawn from the ceiling back to Alex with the motion on the bed.  
As the silence settled like a fog in the dark room and Justin let his eyelids drop shut, almost desperately tired once he'd actually gotten comfortable, all his muscles sank into that boneless state and he ventured so close to sleep. 

Almost.

"Hey."

"Hn?"

"You don't go home anymore, do you?" Alex was hesitant to voice the question but all the signs were so obvious when he focused on them, they all painted a picture that made so much more sense. 

Justin said nothing for a long moment and then finally uttered a sigh, not bothering to pry his eyes open to see the likely look of pity on the other's face, "The boyfriend kicked me out, right before...all of this."

All the puzzle pieces fit together and Alex felt a wave of dismal reality in it; Justin had nowhere to go, he didn't even have the basic safety of home to return to. No wonder he had been so eager to stay all the time; it was better by far than the streets.

"I'm staying the weekends with Zach, school's almost done and I'll get a job then, figure it out from there." 

But Justin's plans hardly added up, and Alex felt an irrational flare of anger towards the other's mother, towards the woman who had all but abandoned him. There was nothing he could do about that, but even he knew that realistically even finding somewhere to live was bound to be next to impossible for a seventeen-year-old.  
Logically there was only one solution, or maybe it wasn't logic at all but Alex felt like he and Justin had become closer friends than he had been with most people during those long hospital hours. He just couldn't turn his back on that. 

"Just stay with me, you know, when I get out of here. If I'm going to keep blacking out for a while it'll save my mom having to be there all the time and you're not going to be living on the street." 

"You think your parents would let me?" There was something so eagerly hopeful in the words that it nearly hurt and Alex couldn't bring himself to say otherwise; he would just have to convince his mom of the idea and hope she could sway his father. 

"Yeah, it'll be fine."

Alex had to believe it because there was no other way and Justin needed it to be true, it was just a matter of making certain that, somehow, it worked out.


	10. Chapter 10

The wrong person was in Alex's room.

  
He knew it when he woke up, turning to regard the chair near the bed, habit, and found it empty. Not unusual, that, but the flicker at the corner of his eye drew it to something else, someone else, lingering near the window. At first, he was caught off guard, a flutter of uneasiness over him, it was always so raw and difficult to control since the night he'd shot himself, crept over him in a wave. He peered at the form for a long few seconds, long enough to pull together some of the scattered bits of memory.

Zach. 

The teen was standing near the window, quietly regarding the latest collection of flowers assembled in those painfully intense school colors. It clicked then, of course, with a wave of clarity that seemed almost foolish to have overlooked before; he hadn't expected Zach to have been the one sending him flowers, of all things, but it almost made sense given how they showed up in those colors and so often. Zach was a perplexing one, Alex had never really made much sense of why he hung out with Bryce other than the need for leadership or direction because the guy was kind and quiet if people gave him the chance to be. 

The problem he had seen was how Zach had so many expectations to be the tough jock he had folded under time and again, and fell back on desperate rough edges and cold shoulders to defend himself. 

It was a little depressing when he thought about it, and Alex had to admit he probably hadn't thought about it enough in the past to give Zach much of a chance to show him anything but what he hid behind at school.

He really had to work on being less self-absorbed; he hadn't even seen who the people he called friends really were because it was easier to just focus on his own life. 

He sighed and the sound alerted Zach, who flashed him an awkward effort at a smile. 

"Sorry, you were asleep and I didn't want to wake you up. Justin said you'd be okay with me stopping by while he ran downstairs."

Apologetic for trying to do something nice; Zach wasn't as steady as Alex had always dismissed him as. 

"Yeah, it's fine. Nice to see new signs of life," Alex countered with a faint chuckle as he searched for something to say and cursed the fact that he and Zach had never talked much in the past, "So you're the one who keeps sending me flowers? Sorry to say it but I'm not really up for a date right now."  
For an instant Zach looked surprised, then laughed, realizing it was a joke and lifting his hands in humored defeat. "Nah, it's okay, you're not really my type."

Did Zach even have a type? Alex wondered but wasn't going to ask.

He did sit up though, hiding behind a few strands of hair that curtained over his eyes and feeling his body protest the idea of motion so soon after waking up. 

"Thought you might want a break from seeing Justin passed out snoring for a few days, and mom's out of town on some...scout trip thing with May." Zach offered by way of explanation as he leaned back against the window, careful not to upset the flowers. 

"It's a charming view," Alex held on to some humor as well, even if some small twinge surged at the thought of that weekend. Justin had somewhere to go, outside, in the real world. A place with movies and video games and normal food, normal life; some tiny part of his treacherous brain whispered to Alex that compared to that room it was so much better. 

He wouldn't have blamed Justin for not coming back but stubbornly refused the idea that it would happen.

"You okay? You're looking a little pale." Zach offered as he watched the blonde's eyes go slightly out of focus and tension slide over him, uncertain of what he might have done to upset Alex. 

"Pale compared to what? He's already translucent." 

The voice broke the trance and Alex swung his gaze to Justin as he wandered into the room, unhurried in his steps. 

He should have had a sarcastic remark in return but right then Alex was just glad to have freedom from that needling thought before it ate too much at him. He shook his head and fixed his best attempt at a flat stare on him instead but it barely lasted long enough to be much use. 

Zach lifted an eyebrow in amusement over the exchange because clearly, he had become the secondary focus in the room the instant Justin had returned. He kept the thought to himself, for the moment, and dug into his pocket for keys. 

"You ready to go?" Justin spotted the gesture and grabbed his bag off the floor, lifting it to hang across one shoulder, a well-practiced motion. 

Zach pushed away from the window, tucking his hands back into his pockets as he ventured closer to the bed. "You need anything just text me, I'll try to get back around here soon." 

It was a nice gesture and Alex nodded, but on some level they both knew it probably wasn't going to happen; too often Zach skirted away when people reached out and it was one of the ugly things about him, a struggle to balance who he was supposed to be and who he tried to make himself. 

Alex remembered a few unanswered texts himself but tried to put it in the past; it was all he could do really. 

After a few short goodbyes the other two were out the door and he was alone in the expanse of that room, left to listen to the low hum of the AC unit in the wall and the faint buzz of the lights above his head. Enough to drive anyone mad, it was the silence that was the worst and Alex sank down to bury himself amid the blankets to wait out the lethargic tug of his thoughts in too many directions to process at once; eyes drifting to a book on the table next to the bed that he hadn't bothered to even attempt to read yet before lifting back to the counting the tiles on the ceiling. 

He wasn't sure at what point being alone had begun to feel so utterly lonely.

*****

"So what's up with you and Standall? You're like best friends now or what?" Zach stretched his legs out and settled them along the couch, ignoring the eye-rolling Justin shot him from his spot on the floor in front of it. 

Crashing his shoulders back against the comfortable edge of the sofa as he sat there, Justin shrugged and snatched another piece of pizza out of the box balanced on the table, swallowing down a mouthful before he answered. 

"I guess, I don't know; he's a good guy." 

"Good guy by normal standards or good guy by Justin Foley standards?" Zach countered with a lift of the soda can in his hand to his lips; he could practically feel his mother's look of disapproval from the next county over. 

Justin mumbled something indistinct around his pizza before he tried again, "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Just worried about you," Zach replied evenly as he trailed off; he had seen far too much of Justin throwing himself in with people because he thought he needed them.

It had been bad with Bryce and Alex wasn't Bryce; that was the one thing Zach was counting on in that situation. He didn't know him well enough, not as much as he would have been more comfortable with when it came to somebody Justin went running to, but he could only caution him. 

As much as he would have liked to offer Justin the chance to stay he knew the questions it would raise with his mother would be more trouble than the other teen was likely to be any good at addressing. He kept quiet about what he knew when it came to Justin's home life because he saw how much it pained his friend, keeping that secret still felt like something Justin needed him to carry.

But seeing Justin turn right back to trying to appease someone to gain a safe place to stay was something Zach didn't want to do; he already held some lingering guilt over just watching it take place the first time between Justin and Bryce over the years. It was hard not to want to scrutinize Alex even if it wasn't fair, he didn't really know him well enough yet and Bryce had seemed like a good guy too until they'd all gotten a little older and he had turned so controlling and self-serving.

"You're worried about me being around him?" Justin found the idea hilarious, clearly, barely swallowing the food in his mouth before he fell into laughter. "I appreciate it man but honestly...Standall is harmless."

There was something else there, some level of security that had fallen so naturally into place between them that was harder to put into words. 

"But yeah, we're friends. Give him a chance." 

"I'm trying," Zach agreed for Justin's sake and hoped it was something good this time around. One more emotional disaster might have been too much for his friend and Zach wasn't sure he even could begin to know how to put those pieces back together.

"Try harder." Justin countered with a lazy elbow aimed at Zach's ribs, earning a laugh and a friendly shove in return. "You gonna keep talking all night or can we watch this movie now? Playing twenty questions with my personal life is really messed up."

Zach nodded and sat his drink on the table to pick up the remote and queue up the ridiculous action movie they had planned for the evening instead, only really considering Justin's words once they were both eased into the glowing chaos on the screen.  
Personal life? 

What was that supposed to mean, exactly? He had to wonder, watching the brunette stare at the screen between devouring his meal, just how close that friendship was becoming.

*****

"Alex, what's your father going to think?"

His mother had a point, he knew that, but for once Alex wanted to ignore the spark of anxious sensation that settled in his chest at the thought of disappointing his father. It was already a laundry list anyway; he wasn't the good kid, the normal kid, the successful, driven kid...that was all Peter. He wasn't the one with the sports scholarship to college, wasn't the one who planned to be a doctor, he wasn't even the one with the pretty, smart girlfriend who wanted to be a lawyer. Alex was none of that; all of it went to Peter. 

He was just the weird kid who screwed up a lot and confused the hell out of his dad, the one who had anxiety attacks and didn't make friends easily, and most of all the kid who tried to be what they wanted when who he just didn't mesh up. 

He was also the one trying so hard for the sake of someone else right then and that had to count for something, didn't it?

"Compared to what he usually thinks of me?" Alex mumbled with a low sigh, head tipped back towards the ceiling. 

Reflex, his mother's hand fell to his forehead to brush the hair away from his eyes, tsk'ing a bit over the length of it and the messy state. It couldn't be helped, not yet, but she knew it bothered him. 

"Your father loves you, Alex, he's just having a hard time figuring out the right way to do that. You've changed so much over the past few years and you know he has a hard time with change." 

It felt like an excuse but it wasn't a shallow one, the truth was there and they both knew it; Alex had grown up some and he wasn't Peter. He had left his parents with little idea as to make it all easier for him. He had, perhaps, too much of his father's pride in him; too determined to be himself to really accept that it was just as difficult for his parents to understand this new person he had become. 

"He likes Justin," Alex reasoned because of course his father did, "He's on the basketball team." 

His mom laughed softly and nodded, truth there as well and she knew her husband did like the other teen, even for barely knowing him. Or more so he liked what he represented; normality. 

"He likes that you have friends instead of being alone."

"Straight friends," Alex countered with a weariness that ached in the pit of his stomach.

"Oh, Alex; you know he tries, he wants to understand but you need to let him; you both have to try." 

She said things Alex wished his dad would say instead, to him, even in passing. Peter could survive on the occasional comment when he did something right but Alex needed more, he needed encouragement and he needed to know that falling short was okay. His dad though, that just wasn't his world and the man wanted the best of him because the world would also expect no less. 

Alex shook his head and let his eyes drop shut, lost in thoughts, counting in his head as best he could the number of times he had heard the comment about how being alone wasn't good for him. 

Maybe that was true but it didn't mean just making friends came naturally to him.

"How is it so easy for you for you and it's not for him?"

In a way, it was the hardest question to ask but there could have been some secret to it, some way to unlock his father's approval that Alex just had not been able to find yet. His mother accepted him faults and all; so what was the difference?

"I'm your mother," she answered with a smile before she continued, "but I'm also not your father. And who he is, it's just someone who takes a little more time to adjust to change. When Peter got older he did...what we expected and that was easy but you turned into someone else. And that's good, you're who you are, but he wasn't ready for it." 

She reached for his hand and again that gesture struck a chord with Alex in a way he couldn't place, it took the rough edges off his thoughts with simple contact. 

"We'll try, if Justin's parents are okay with it," she ventured cautiously, asking without really saying what she needed to.

The look he offered her in return was enough because mothers knew, they just knew, somehow.

She might have known more than he did himself; watching her son right then told volumes compared to any words he might have offered.

"Just let me talk to him."

Those words were exactly what Alex wanted to hear, he cast a grateful eye towards her and nodded; just the thought of having to ask his dad had already made him tense. But if anyone could make it work it was his mom, he wished he was strong enough to do it himself but he just wasn't. Those so-thin threads of connection with his dad were so delicate and he couldn't stomach the thought of them breaking; it wasn't just about being the good kid...it was being someone his father could find a way to understand. It was about more than that; it was not wanting his father to turn away from him.  
It was funny how much he wanted that approval, how easy it was to shrug off on the surface even as he dug his nails in and clawed for it otherwise. 

"Thanks, mom." All he could offer, and he smiled a little when she kissed his forehead and carefully nudged the conversation towards safer topics. 

It was the last time that weekend Alex felt anything remotely like things were okay.

*****

By the time Justin strolled back in after a day of classes that felt as though they had gone on droning forever he was ready to go back to what had become the usual paces. Already shrugging off his bag as pushed the door open he was surprised to find the chair, his chair, already occupied. He paused at the door, brow furrowed and steps slowing to a halt even as Alex's brother looked up from his phone. 

"Figured you'd be here about now," Peter set the phone aside and Justin's gaze stayed on him for an instant before it swung to the line of Alex's shoulder hidden under the blanket on the bed. Tense, the way Alex was sleeping; his back was a stiff curve and Justin could see where the sheets bunched in his tightly clenched hands. 

The question came with the next breath, as easy and as natural as it in fact, "Is he okay?" 

"He freaked out over the bandages, it was crazy. He's gotten better since this morning." 

The look in Peter's eyes was slightly haunted, he wasn't used to it, he hadn't been there enough to see what it was like when Alex went a little unhinged with that panic. And Justin felt a flicker of regret for not being there because he had known how hard it was going to be when it happened. He should have been there; one more thing to add to his list of times he had fallen short for somebody.

  
"He's dramatic," Peter added with a weak, hollow laugh. The humor felt so forced it left the air heavy around them.

  
Justin said nothing but his thoughts were swirling with the unspoken words; _he's your brother..how do you not know that? He's Alex...you should know him better._

Was any family really okay? Justin didn't know anymore; he liked to think that brothers were close enough to know everything about each other instinctively but maybe that was just the whims of movies and stories. He just kept searching for that perfect dynamic and even Alex's family fell short of it into something more realistic; even that realism made Justin's chest ache with want for it. 

"He'll be okay." It was all Justin said even though he wanted to shake Peter for the obvious fear in his tone, the way he saw it all as too much. But Alex wasn't too much, he was just dealing with a bad situation as best he could. 

And Peter was so rarely there that Jusitn couldn't really fault him for being scared, at times things Alex did scared the hell out of him too, but he could expect Peter to try. It wasn't too much to ask, was it?

"Mom thought somebody should stay with him right now," the words betrayed the fight the older Standall was clearly fighting between wanting to be there for Alex and being overwhelmed by it. 

It was fine; Justin knew how to handle it better than most people and as surprised as he was himself at that realization it also felt warm and reassuring. It just felt...good to be there for Alex.

"Yeah, I got this for tonight, you look like hell...go home and sleep." Justin had barely offered the words before Peter nodded, a glint of apology in his gaze as he stood.

"I wish I was as good at this as you are," the older male confessed and Justin was caught off guard by the words, "I can't fix this for him and just being here is hard when I know that."

  
Justin considered the words as he lazed into that familiar seat and tucked his bag under the edge of it; they just kept turning in his mind. Something deep in him wished for that; a brother who might not have known how to deal with the problem but just wanted to make it all better for him. Alex was lucky to have that, flawed or not, but it wasn't all he needed.

  
"Nobody can fix it, he doesn't need to be fixed." Justin finally resolved with another glance to Peter, "He just needs people to be okay with it."

  
It was a deeper thought than Justin expected of himself but it felt right and it seemed to sink in somehow with Peter because for a long moment he stood at the door, waiting. Then with a nod and an exchange of goodbyes he slipped out back into the world outside of four white walls.

  
Justin watched the door shut and finally reached down to unzip his bag, stretching his legs out and propping his biology textbook in his lap; it was going to be a long night but, oddly, he felt ready for it.


	11. Chapter 11

The next day didn't turn out to be any easier than the one prior; Alex had been silent from the moment Justin arrived at the hospital and well into the evening hours he still only sat staring at the blankets curled around him. A shadow, soundless, unwilling to respond to much of anything; it had begun to nearly frighten Justin seeing him so locked up inside his head. 

Peter had been there again when he'd arrived, updating Justin on the fact that Alex had a therapist now after his brief meltdown over the bandages, that he still wasn't doing so well and at that point even he wasn't sure how to pull the other teen out of that state. Most everything he considered seemed so cruel, so forceful and demanding; he couldn't just tell Alex to get better no matter how frustrating it was to see him degrade. 

So Justin did what he often did best; he settled in and waited it out with a sort of passive calm that most mistook for indifference. Minutes to hours, one night into two; the only thing that changed was the occasional word offered but for the most part Alex just drew his blankets up and slept the night away while Justin stood watch.  
It would have been easier if the outburst were angry rather than silent. 

"I almost miss your sarcastic snarking," Justin admitted, being the first to break in that strange waiting game; by the middle of the second night, he couldn't stand it anymore. 

When he only received a glance for the words Justin steeled himself and ventured forward with the conversation; not even knowing if ti was the right thing to do. 

"You going to try to tell me I'm freaking out over nothing too?"

Alex's voice sounded so hollow, it was painful to hear; Justin wasn't even sure if anyone had said that to the blonde directly or if it was something he gathered from the sympathetic looks people gave him. 

Sympathy had a way of upsetting Alex, making him feel like he was falling short of measuring up. To Justin, it wasn't easy to understand because at times sympathy from people around him had been the only way he had survived.

"You're freaking out over a hole in your head; that's not exactly nothing," Justin couldn't imagine it was the sort of thing that would settle well with anyone. 

It wasn't a crutch but it was a wound, still, in spite of slowly healing. 

"You going to take that ugly hat off?"

"No," the word came too fast and too tense spilled past Alex's lips.

Justin let it all fall back into silence for a moment, moving the chair towards the bed rather than allow too much space to fill with that wordless pause. Alex's eyes skirted back towards him and a tiny measure of that tension slid away from his shoulders. He turned, adjusting his pillows as he sank against them facing Justin.

The hat remained, mockingly, hanging past one of his eyes. 

"Want to see one of mine?" 

"What are you even talking about?" 

"Scars," Justin clarified as he sat up and had already begun to reach for the edge of his t-shirt, "Do you want to see one of mine?"

Alex couldn't help being curious, as much as he was hesitant to admit it, "You're going to show me anyway, aren't you?"

Justin chuckled and edged around enough to put his shoulder and back to Alex's view instead, hauling up the shirt to expose the scatter of uneven flesh that decorated the crest of the left one, old scars that had over time only paled more against his tanned skin. It was hardly ghastly, and he did have permission to look, but Alex felt as though even doing so was nearly like staring. 

And he couldn't seem to help himself.

"When I turned thirteen Bryce decided to throw me a party, camping. It was his dad's idea and it was okay, but I got drunk and tried to climb on the roof of the cabin we were staying at. Busted my shoulder up when I fell off, good thing there was a tree there or I would have broken my neck."

The explanation rolled so easily off Justin's tongue, he told it as if it were nothing really but a mistake easily waved off. Even as he was pulling his shirt back down over, Alex had to admit, those toned shoulders; his voice was still full of humor. 

"I've got others, not just from falling out of trees."

Of course, he did, Alex had no doubt; he could so easily bring to mind the image of Justin younger being a hazard to himself, following along with everyone else and indulging whatever whim happened to cross his mind. 

Gathering his scars along the way and wearing them like memories written on his skin. 

"You don't have to," Justin's voice broke into his thoughts and Alex realized he had fallen silent, realized what the other teen was saying. Of course, he didn't have to show anyone, not until he was ready, if he ever was; if he could ever think of that scar as anything other than failure. 

"It won't go away no matter if I want it to or not." Alex pointed out, tipping his head and planting an elbow to the bed, resting the side of his face against an upturned palm as though he were too tired to hold it up.

"No, it won't," Justin agreed, "just tell people you got into a fight."

"And lost?" Deadpan, Alex sighed; that hardly seemed any better. 

Justin laughed and shook his head, lifting his legs to prop his sneakers up on the bed, earning a mild scowl from the other teen. 

"No, you tell them you won, then they wonder what happened to the other guy." 

The words finally made Alex laugh, in spite of struggling not to, because the pure nonsense of them was almost perfect. Cover up the scars with a story too much to believe, escape the questions by baffling people; somehow it made perfect sense when he looked at Justin. It must have been the way the other had lived most of his life and Alex was, for a moment, almost envious of that. 

But the laugh was all Justin was looking to earn at that point and satisfied, he sank down in the chair with a lazy smile stretched across his lips. "It'll work."

"No, it won't," Alex assured him, "But I guess it's better than the truth."

"For now." 

But maybe not forever. 

"How much longer until you're done with school?" Alex couldn't keep track of the days, they still didn't make sense in his head and tangled all up into a mess he couldn't sort out one from another. Asking felt like admitting that but he could ask Justin, that uneasiness over well he stumbled wasn't regarded so sharply by the other teen.

"Rest of the week; any chance they're letting you out of here by then?" Justin asked tentatively, knowing that overstaying his welcome was bound to happen if that weren't the case. 

Alex shook his head; the timeframe ahead of him was still a handful of weeks at the least and then it would continue at home, day by exhausting day. 

"Damn, I was really looking forward to a having a couch to sleep on instead of a chair." 

Humor was all he could offer, it hid the uncertainty Justin felt inside, the world around him was held together by shaky strings and any little motion set them all scattered; he was putting faith in things that could topple so easily. Faith in people, again, the way he always had to, could only hope for the best because he wasn't sure what else to do.

"Who said I liked you enough to let you sleep on my couch?" 

"That's cold Standall, you're going to make me sleep on the floor?" Justin offered up his best attempt at mock-indignity over the matter and straightened his leg enough to nudge the blonde with the toe of his sneaker. "You like me enough to let me stay with you." 

"My head...obviously I'm not sane anymore." Alex countered and made a grab for that sneaker, missed it the first time because his depth perception still had not fully recovered and neither of them really acknowledged the fact that Justin kept still long enough for him to make a second attempt that succeeded, ending in a shove back off the bed. 

"You weren't all that normal in the first place," Justin smirked when he finally got a proper and lingering glare from the other teen; finally saw a little of Alex in that expression. 

"Go ahead, make fun of the guy with the brain injury."

"Nah, I'm making fun of you, the hole in your head is just secondary to that."

The words held a small challenge and Alex narrowed his eyes at Justin, only barely serious in the effort when he went to throw one of the pillows on the bed at him. Aim off, Justin caught it and covered the distance between them easily, flopping on the bed and tossing the pillow back at him. 

"Don't start what you can't finish, Standall," the taller teen was still prodding, still searching for that certain little spark that had been all but dampened by the last few months. Not the anger, not the irrational surge of misplaced emotions, not the frustrations; that little fire that burned brightly in the blonde...or used to. 

It was still there, buried deep, and Justin saw it when Alex jumped and shoved at him with a muttered challenge, countered easily by a nudge back; the playful tussle lasted only seconds and maybe it was a little too much for Alex but that didn't mean he didn't need it. He might have needed that normality, that feeling of just being somebody who wasn't limited, wasn't struggling. 

Justin saw a tiny flash of a smile from the other teen, in spite of his mock-irritation, and it was as bright as sunlight for that fleeting glimpse. 

Ending so suddenly when Justin made the wrong move and his fingers skirted too close to Alex's hair; they both went suddenly motionless when he flung that hat off to the side and it landed amid the blankets.

Frozen, finally, Alex blinked slowly and Justin felt his breath catch somewhere in his chest as he worked up an apology, "Sorry man, I didn't mean to." 

He felt for it without daring to look away, fingers drawn over the blankets and Justin was almost afraid if he did look away Alex would crumble, just as afraid if he didn't the same would happen. 

But nothing happened, other than he felt that fabric and snatched up the hat, holding it tightly in the space between them. A second passed, then a few more, and a minute tipped over into the next before Alex sighed and his eyes dropped to the side. 

"It's not bad," Justin argued softly even as he held the hat back out for Alex to take, that ache flaring once more in his chest as the blonde did so with shaky hands. 

But it really wasn't; the scar was a thin line along the side of Alex's skull, cresting at his eyebrow faintly and curling back to some unseen spot hidden by his ear. Neat stitch lines separated the parts that had been torn open by that bullet and the line cut by scalpel to relieve the pressure; it was hardly as bad as Justin had been worried it might have been.

To Alex though it was hideous. 

He looked at that hat a long moment before lifting it back into place, pulling it firmly down over his hair and only then did he look back to Justin. So weary, thin shoulders nearly slumped and for a breath or two Justin braced for some impending panic attack but none came; something more startling did instead. 

Alex uttered a weary sound and eyes damp at the corners, "You're lying...but I appreciate it." 

And when the blonde's forehead dropped, rough and unsteady, it was against Justin's shoulder; instinctively the other teen lifted an arm to cage him in and shut out the rest of the world. Alex didn't cry but Justin wasn't sure how he managed not to with that raw ache running through his veins like ice. 

"S'okay man, I've got you." It was all Justin could offer because he didn't even know where to begin to say something to make it better; maybe there was nothing that would.

But Alex believed him.

Knowing that, feeling the blonde relax in slow measures against him, it was enough for Justin to think he might not have the right answers but at least he had something good enough to dull those sharp edges. 

And as he lost count of the minutes and what became hours before Alex's breathing evened into something heavy and sleepy Justin didn't mind that his arm had begun to fall asleep and his back ached from the odd twist in it as he tried to sit against that headboard; by morning it was going to be borderline misery but that felt so far away. 

Justin realized he had begun counting again, night falls one after another, watching Alex close his eyes to rest and open them again; he was living inside four walls too. The frustration was eating at him, not at Alex, but at the way things had collapsed so easily; and rather than being able to depend on everyone else to put it back together they were trying to help each other fit the pieces back together. 

Hannah, Jensen, Jess, Bryce, Zach, Courtney, everyone else tied together by mistakes. Alex's parents struggling to understand, his brother feeling overwhelmed under the weight, and as for his own mother; Justin knew she wasn't sure if he was even alive and the ache in was knowing maybe she didn't care. 

Who didn't care? Who cared too much? There was a thin line between the two and at times it felt as though good intentions were laced with expectations. 

Justin was exhausted thinking about, or just exhausted in general, and he wanted it all resolved, wanted it all back to normal but normal had dissolved; normal was no longer trading flat insults across the hall with Alex or showing up desperate for a place to crash. Normal had become a tired blonde with unsteady thoughts and half a dozen reasons he needed care that he was too proud to admit he did, driving himself to the breaking point with his own battles inside his head that Justin could barely even understand. The same guy who would have rolled his eyes and shoved Justin out of his space at school now slept settled against his shoulder with fingers tangled tight into the fabric of his shirt, nearly clinging just to keep away some of the feelings of being lost. 

And Justin didn't feel the same anymore either; how he longed to just walk away and not care about anything at all the way so little in the world cared about him. That stopped short of Alex though, part of him wanted to laugh it off as going crazy in that hospital but part of him looked at the other boy with a fondness he couldn't fully deny. Odd as it was it helped him settle, chased away a few of the demons that skirted on the edges of uncertainty; but it brought just as many with it. 

Answers had stopped being as simple as he wished they were.

***

Alex felt like he was marking his days by opening his eyes and shutting them, the pattern never broke, it never changed. Except when it did; and when that happened it was in ways that caught him off guard. That morning, for example, when he dredged up his heavy lids and found his nose still resting against something alive, steady and breathing in slow time with his own heartbeat. When it all came back into focus he twitched out of reflex and made an effort to push the other teen back out of his space on that narrow bed, only earning a tired sound in return for his efforts.

"Foley, wake up; you're in my bed," and as he scrambled to figure out why Alex vaguely recalled that being his own fault. It meant less, however, than the fact that his bad luck was going to hold out and his father would come walking into the room at any second. 

Thankfully even in that foggy state Justin picked up on his tension and mild panic, lifting a hand to scrub at one eye as he started to sit up more. "What? Oh, yeah, you fell asleep last night and I didn't want to wake you up."

"And it doesn't seem weird to you to sprawl out in bed with some guy?" Alex countered, mustering up a defensive tone to wrap around himself and hide the unsteadiness of his voice.

Justin waved it off with a shake of his head and of course, it didn't matter; what did actually matter to Justin Foley? Was there anything that held any regard other than spending his time high and ignoring life? 

That was unfair, Alex realized, and was actually glad he hadn't spoken the words rather than only letting them lace through his thoughts. 

"Nah, I like sleeping with people," Justin yawned and then amended when the look Alex shot him was one that might have made anyone cringe, "In bed with people, not with people. Or, both I guess, but I meant it in the...sleeping in bed with somebody sense this time. It's nice, warm." 

Listening to the stumbling attempt only really confused Alex worse and he breathed again once Justin had drug himself up to collapse in the chair nearby instead, looking none too troubled by his clumsy words. And Alex tried to make sense of it, felt a twinge of something almost depressing in the thought that Justin must have had a complicated life if he was willing to trade out principles just to have a warm place to sleep at night, even if it was in someone's bed. 

Knowing some people Justin had counted as friends, Bryce specifically, made Alex's stomach turn with questions he didn't dare ask right then; not wanting to know how deep manipulation had run in that 'friendship'.

"It bothers you? I thought you like guys."

"Who told you that?" Alex was so caught off guard by the words that his voice skipped a beat and went unsteady all over again. "I'm not gay."  
He was still trying to go down the mental list of who might have that sort of information and his shoulders slumped because the obvious answer was the painful one. 

"Jess?"

"Nah, Tony," Justin stretched his arms above his head before he lazed back once more, "You have a thing with him?"

"No, I did not have a thing with Tony," Alex all but snapped in reply before forcing some of the emotion down, "I'm not gay anyway. I don't really have...a preference, between the two, or whatever. It seems stupid to care about something like that." 

"Pretty sure that's still gay, Standall, or at least not straight." 

"Yeah, and you sound like a jackass right now," Alex muttered, not sure if he could fully argue the logic though, but he could be irritated by it. 

"I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that, I'm just saying it's not straight. Whatever you like, man, but okay, I didn't mean to make you freak out sleeping there." For what he could apologize for he did, but Justin didn't feel all too sorry for pointing out the obvious flaw to Alex's argument. 

"Even if I like guys you think I want someone in bed just because they are a guy? Or a girl? Do you actually you want any and every girl in your bed just because you're straight?" 

The amused grin that popped up on Justin's face at the question made Alex roll his eyes and dismiss it; he hadn't meant for it to be a joke but the other teen was good at turning most anything into one. 

"Just, nevermind."

"Nah, you're right; it is an asshole move to say you like every guy just because you like some guys," Justin conceded. 

Alex felt the weak smile cross his lips with the words, it was an apology he hadn't expected; Justin still surprised him at times. 

"Is that why you moved here?" Justin couldn't help being curious, tired as he was, and the words escaped him before he could catch them. 

Silent for a long moment, Alex finally shifted and pulled in his pillow to lie against it as he spoke, "No; I tried coming out to my dad last year and he just ignored it, mostly. Mom is a little better about it and Peter just doesn't think it's his business, he's my brother...I don't want to think about who he sleeps with either. But dad thinks it just goes away if he's too busy with other things. When we moved here and I started dated Jess I guess he thought it did." 

"I figured you were running away from some old boyfriend your dad didn't want you to have," Justin replied, and if he had said it any way other than simply lazy and relaxed Alex might have bristled but the other teen wasn't trying to get him riled up, he thought. 

"Not everyone's life is an afterschool drama movie," he retorted with a bit less kindness to the words than he could have offered, admittedly, "We moved because my mom got a better job here; that's it. And I did date girls too back where we lived before." 

"Can't see you dating much of anyone."

"Exactly what's that supposed to mean Foley?" Alex's eyebrows shot up higher, warning in his gaze. 

"You don't act like you really like much of anybody, or want too many people around," Justin offered with a glance back towards him that made Alex fall once again silent. It wasn't true, it was the furthest thing from the truth; he was lonely for people but being around them was anything but easy. And now it was going to be even more difficult; as sobering a thought as that was. 

"Plan on telling me all about your relationship conquests once you do get out of here?" Justin steered the conversation back to less daunting ground, if for Alex's sake at least, seeing the way the other teen folded in on himself with the previous words; the ones he offered then urged Alex back to life with a scoff that he knew was coming shortly. 

"Would you please shut up about that; it's not a slumber party and it's really unnerving knowing you're that interested in the topic,"

"No slumber party? Damn, I was really wanting some popcorn and scary movies," Justin laughed softly, letting Alex wallow in his mild irritation, it was far degrees better than the unhappiness that had begun to flood the corners of his eyes. He caused it more often than he liked but he was, slowly, learning how to brush away those storm clouds before they turned into an all-out flood. 

A few more days and things would all change again; Justin had to at least lie to himself and say they were both ready for it, even if he wasn't so sure the hardest part of recoverying wasn't about to hit Alex full force, and potentially drown the both of them.


	12. Chapter 12

Alex's assumptions of how long he would still be confined to that hospital were slightly off-skewed, Justin knew it when he got the text. Short and simple, from Alex's phone; the 'They're letting me go today. You going to be around?' reached him while he was still lazing on Zach's couch, the long night of movies and a few drinks in the otherwise empty house behind them. Thankfully sober enough to avoid too much of a hangover, even if a shower was still a good idea before he talked Zach into giving him a ride over to the hospital; Justin knew he had to be there. 

The flurry of motion he walked into was almost comical; nurses with paperwork and Peter casting a forlorn look to his mother while she loaded him down with cards and other get-well wishes in the form of gifts packed into an impressively large bag he scurried off downstairs to the car with, Mr. Standall only barely skirting the edges of the room watching and Alex himself looking exceedingly tired of the entire ordeal before it had even begun. 

Justin stole a moment away once he'd greeted the Standalls and left them to file out paperwork, catching Alex sitting on the edge of the bed. It was funny, he very nearly looked normal in his jeans and t-shirt, finally, even if the last couple of months had melted some of the practically non-existent weight off him as it was. 

"They're finally letting you out of this prison, huh?" Justin wasn't surprised though by how anxious the blonde boy looked, not quite to the point of panic but just barely lurking at the edges of it, restlessly. 

Alex's eyes, muddy-water blue under the edge of messy dark hair laping from under the ebony hat that was still a lifeline, haunted gaze resting on Justin in a way that made him worry if the day was going to end up in another of those attacks. 

"I'm terrified."

"Yeah, I know," Justin could tell, anyone that looked at Alex could tell, "but staying here forever is really going to kill your social life."

"Because that's not already in the grave," Alex retorted, grateful for the distraction of that humor. 

Whatever it took to get through the day, whatever it took to get Alex home. 

 

A few hours later Justin learned that involved Mrs. Standall's entirely too small car and a back seat awkwardly occupied by Peter, himself and Alex, in roughly that order. Alex was too uneasy with feeling so caged in so Justin had volunteered to take the middle seat and had quickly come to regret it when he found himself unable to move beyond the slight shift; it was only a car ride though, it could only last out so long.   
By the interesting shades of green Alex was turning from the motion sickness of the road it couldn't end soon enough and Justin was holding out hope that end didn't involve him needing new shoes if Alex's stomach decided to protest too violently. 

By the time the incredibly silent, oddly tense ride had come to an end and Peter climbed out the car Justin had all but lunged free of it, thanking whatever higher powers existed to have solid ground under his feet and the room to stretch his long legs. Even Alex offered him a bemused expression in passing, looking a far more normal shade once he was free of those four wheels. 

It was the stepping inside the house that caught Alex, made him hesitate, made his eyes roll with a hint of wildness to them; he couldn't understand how it was so terrifying to go home. 

The hospital was exhausting, controlled, safe; nothing bad could happen there because it was all in order. Home held unpredictability and that tiny little nagging chance that he might fall to weakness again, that he might falter; something dark could crawl back into his brain and dig claws into him. It was hardly an unfounded fear, Alex thought, given how weakness had gotten the best of him in the past. 

His mom was a flutter of motion that Alex couldn't keep track of, directing everyone, barely allowing Peter to escape before he had to haul in everything from the trunk of the car, sending his dad off into the other room out of the way when he kept lingering around looking uncertain himself over what to do. 

"I just want to lie down," Alex confessed, eyes straying to the couch downstairs a longing moment before he turned instead towards the stairs; the promise of bed, his own bed, just beyond that mountain of steps was just enough to keep him on his feet. 

It was amusing how he almost missed those crutches now, when he'd been informed that he wouldn't be going home with them Alex had felt like he'd won some victory but actually doing the walking had begun to feel like he was weighed down by his own bones. It was normal, he had been warned that his muscles had to recover from being so underused; one more disappointing shortfall along the way.

One more thing to get through, move past, on the way back to normality. 

Those steps felt all the more daunting though, he gripped the railing and tackled them one by one, his mom still darting about, checking his balance and he wanted to tell her that he was fine but he was unsteady on his feet. 

That mountain went on endlessly, he couldn't remember how many stairs there were but after the fifth one, Alex was cursing under his breath his own stubborn determination to climb them. But he couldn't stop then, halfway up meant he was half there and forward was easier than moving backward, or so he told himself. By the time he reached the top his mom had already gone down the hallway and Alex was feeling dizzy, muttering over it as he walked. 

"This was a brilliant idea."

The amused sound off to the side and the twinge of motion marked a body, Justin, and Alex wasn't exactly shocked that the other teen had followed him upstairs, and then to his room. 

But that room; he stepped into it and felt a wave of nausea. It was clean, flawlessly clean as he had left it that night and Alex remembered putting away every article of clothing, picking up every bit of paper off the floor, so flawlessly pristine when he had made the choice to pick up that gun.   
He remembered it so sharply in that moment, every feeling came flooding back and that room felt smaller, closing in around him in a rush that stole the air from his lungs. 

The carpet was gone, he could see the outline of where it had been cut away and replaced, recently, the line still showed, the slightly lighter shade of the new piece that had been put into place. What had used to lie there, soaked crimson with his own spilled blood, as ruined as he had felt that evening in those final moments when his finger had gripped the trigger. He could hear the shot echoing in his head, rattling inside his skull, could feel the ache suddenly rising painfully as his entire body went tense and dizziness began to rise. Unsteady, Alex reached out and grabbed hold of the edge of the bed, nearly crashing there as he sat roughly. 

"Looked better when it was a mess," Justin remarked; the last time he had seen that bedroom was the night he had shown up with a desperate plea to stay, for shelter and a friend to not turn him out to the night. And those had been the days when Alex hadn't been a friend, exactly, only someone who had taken pity on him. 

That room now looked unnatural and Justin's eyes skidded away from that barely off-colored carpet the instant he spotted it, shutting out the image that crept up on him of Alex lying motionless and stained with the ring of red decorating the ground beneath him. The thought was horrifying and Justin couldn't hold to it without feeling a wave of sickness in the pit of his own stomach. 

"Yeah, doesn't look right," Alex trailed off as he sank down, pulling his pillow near for some attempt at comfort. 

He watched, curious, as Justin snatched the other pillow off his bed and tossed it to the ground nearby and followed it down in a fold of long limbs and disjointed angles. 

"I wasn't serious about you sleeping on the floor, go find the couch," Alex rolled his eyes at the other teen, any other time Justin would have waved it off but of course that time he planned to follow through. 

"I figured, but your mom said I could use Peter's room when he leaves in a few days, this is good until then." Justin had a multitude of reasons for sleeping in that room and not the least of which was keeping an eye on Alex just in case he woke in the middle of the night in a panic. "Anything is better than that chair." 

Stretching out felt so good, being able to relax and not deal with a chair arm digging into his spine was wonderful even if the floor was a little hard. He had slept worse places before though, so he couldn't complain. 

"Whatever man, you want to sleep on the floor, I'm not going to stop you," Alex mumbled, even if he wanted to say thank you for that small gesture but it still felt awkward, Justin probably knew anyway. 

Too tired to sleep, too anxious; Alex had expected home to feel better and not so unnerving but it did, it felt like he was on his own and uncertain of what to do if anything went wrong. The sensation was overwhelming and his breath caught again, trapped in his chest until he had to force himself to let the air go and draw more in, eyes drifting from the ceiling to the floor and the outline of the other teen eased into that spot like he belonged there. 

Justin looked more at home than he did; a thought that was almost jarring. 

His chest was too tight, his senses too sharp, everything buried inside him was twisting up in painful waves and Alex could only struggle against the tide swelling, try not to drown in his own rattled mind. His hands gripped tighter to the pillow and locked, unable to uncurl from that iron grasp, leaving furrowing in the fabric as he curled in more on himself. Nothing, everything was for nothing; he had made it back home only to find out that home was all wrong, should have never left the hospital where he already knew the pattern to things and the expectations.   
He couldn't do this, he wasn't the same anymore, he couldn't do anything. 

His vicious brain whispered damning words to him and Alex couldn't find his breath, couldn't focus his eyes, could only gasp and twitch, feeling the tension crawl up his spine in rigid waves.

It was almost numbingly shocking when he felt a hand on his shoulder, a single point of contact that seemed to melt into his skin and made it difficult to decipher where one began and the other ended for that dizzy second. 

There was really nothing to be done other than wait it out, for the both of them; Alex teetering on the line of breaking and Justin perched on the edge of the bed. It would have felt crowding, terrifying to have anyone that close when his mind was reeling, but feeling confined in that moment almost meant safety in the turmoil of his thoughts. Alex's eyes snapped open and Justin could see the disconnection in them, could see how Alex simply was not there, not yet, how lost he was somewhere in the murky parts of his own brain and the panic all stirred up.

Seconds, minutes, Justin's voice in the background neither demanding nor coaxing, only steady with words Alex couldn't actually make sense of but the sound was familiar and he realized his breathing fell into pace with it. In and out with the rise and fall of the tone, inhale and exhale to remind himself that his lungs had not failed him. 

When he could speak again, gather his thoughts into something coherent to throw at the world, it was a heavy, slurred mutter, "I fucking hate this."

"I'd say you really were insane if you liked it," Justin countered, not unkindly, and flexed his fingers where his palm lay in the space between Alex's thin shoulders, the rubbing motion had come by reflex, slow and passive. 

"Maybe I am." Alex was starting to debate it himself, to wonder if normality was ever going to be within his reach again.

Justin was tempted to shrug but it seemed cold to dismiss so he tried a different route, "I doubt it; if you were nuts you'd be less stressed about everything."

"I have no idea why that logic almost makes sense." 

Alex sounded almost bitter about it though and Justin couldn't help but smirk, if nothing else any emotion other than fear was a nudge in the right direction.

"You good?" Not that he would have minded it, sitting there and letting the slow roll of his fingers ease out the tension from Alex's shoulders in small waves, feeling the other teen go so slowly passive under his touch; it was an odd moment but Justin had grown used to everything being out of sorts and out of control. 

"Yeah." 

It was unconvincing and a lie but they both had to believe for the moment, digging too deep right then would have only caused that storm to rise once again, heavy and rolling. Another bout of it would have been too much, too out of focus.

Uncertain when he drew his hand back, Alex sank into the bed with all the exhaustion that had built since leaving the hospital, digging his thoughts apart and making his body as heavy as lead. It almost felt like crawling into a grave but he tried to put the thought aside, tried to let it fade without feeling ill. The mattress was soft and his head was too hard to lift anymore, his eyelids just as tugged down; he only knew Justin had moved to give him space by the sounds and the flex of the bed. 

He almost asked him to stay, to just lie down, but the awkwardness of the last time he'd woken up next to Justin, apparently more on his part than the other teen's, wasn't something Alex was in any mood to relive. He listened to the subtle sounds of Justin flopping back on the floor, closer than he was the last time, pillow pulled over and when he did force his eyes barely open in the light of the room Justin was only an arm's length away from the bed. 

Good enough, maybe enough to keep the anxious thoughts at bay for the moment. 

Sleep was miles away, forever away, Alex just stared upward at the ceiling, counting cracks as he felt the moments tick away, one by one, breath by breath. 

Home sweet home.


	13. Part Two Intro: You Can't Save the World

Hello readers! Thank you all for sticking with me so far as things have unfolded. This isn't the end! There's still a long road ahead for the boys and I hope you all stick around for it. 

I was initially going to post both parts as separate stories but I've decided to keep them together. The upcoming part will deal with home, Alex and Justin's developing relationship, and the complications that come with recovery in more than just the medical sense.  
They've still got a long way to go, and they both still have some demons to face; both for things they have done, people they have harmed, and things they need to learn to forgive themselves, and each other, for. 

Healing is no easy process, life is no easy battle, but there's always hope for it to get better. 

Part Two will be starting very shortly! Thank you again for all the comments and questions; I love the feedback and I'm thrilled to hear from you all!


	14. Chapter 14

Four in the morning, the sunlight still hours away from crawling over the horizon, and Justin could hear the very distinct scrape and scuff of noise around him. Unwilling to open his eyes, he tried to ignore it, but the low thudding added to the mix a moment later forced him to sit up; bleary-eyed and unable to bring his brain into focus.

"What the hell are you doing?" He trailed off, groggy and voice still dripping with the longing for broken sleep.

Alex ignored him, hadn't heard or didn't care, whatever the case he was in the process of removing things from his desk and dropping them, one after the other, into the cardboard box beside it.

"Standall," Justin made a second attempt at gaining attention that fell flat so he had to climb to his clumsy feet, took the few steps over to the desk and dropped a hand to the smooth surface, "What's going on? It's not even dawn and you're cleaning?"

Alex blinked, slowly, as if coming out of some fog, then muttered under his breath and reached for something else amid the clutter he had piled in the center of that desk. "No, moving things; I don't want them here."

"Okay," Justin trailed off, not understanding the logic or the amount of determination in the other teen's eyes but it was seemingly very important to Alex to throw everything into that box and frankly it was more than a little unnerving. It was that same over-focused expression that clouded over Alex's eyes right before a panic attack so it was best to tread very lightly, if at all.

Justin leaned against the wall but didn't interfere, waiting for something to snap into place, or at least make sense as much as anything could lately. One day home and Alex was already afflicted with determination to entirely change things around him; it was either healing or destructive and Justin had little idea which was the case.

When Alex realized he wasn't going away he finally gritted his teeth and spat out, "It looks just like the last night I was here and I can't sleep."

A wave of sympathy washed over Justin and for a split second he wanted to reach out and try to help, but rather than grabbing for anything he asked first, hesitantly, "Yeah, okay; so you want some help or what?"

He wasn't sure it was sane; that sudden and strange purge, but there was no point in arguing over it.

Alex was tense as he thought it over, came very close to saying yes, but just as suddenly he grabbed the chair at the desk and slumped into it, shoving his palms against his eyes.

"I know it sounds stupid, but I can't get it out of my head and everything is the same in here. I don't want to think about that." His voice was ready to crack at any instant and Justin could read the high arch of those shoulders, almost flinched at the pressure Alex pressed his palms to his eyes with.

It really felt something that could be addressed after dawn, at a normal hour, but Justin wasn't sure what normal amounted to anymore.

"Okay, not how I planned to spend the morning, but what do you want me to do?"

It wasn't as though he could shrug it off and go back to sleep, not with Alex already an unsteady wreck, the sooner it got accomplished the better, probably.

"Just find me another box."

And that was more or less how the next two hours went; Justin watching Alex run himself into exhaustion shoving things into boxes, because he had to do it himself, he insisted, and swapping out full boxes for empty ones left over from Peter's packing to move back to his dorm.

By the end of it most of the room looked decidedly empty, far more unnerving to Justin honestly, but it did the job of comforting Alex in some strange way. Only a handful of objects remained in the closet that, for whatever reason, he kept to himself, were too much to handle right then, half hidden by his clothes, a few books scattered around and his guitar in its' normal place. How it fixed anything Justin couldn't imagine, but when Alex had collapsed back on the bed he had been too worn out to not fall asleep and that silence came almost the same time as the sun had begun to rise; marking the start of the day with the both of them finally getting some rest.

Justin was grateful for that much and that the night had passed without more stressful breaks; if that first day was going to be so rough he was going to have to brace for what came next because it would only build.

Sleep was fleeting and he was happy to grab it while he could, even if it meant burying his face under that pillow to block out the offending rays spilling in from the windows.

Alex's mother, understandably, had some interesting questions that evening at dinner, having spotted the boxes stacked outside the room and the two of them sleeping off the daylight hours; she was kind enough to have not woken them up until food was on the table. The conversation sparked up while Justin was working his way through the meal with a content determination and Alex was busy picking at his food, Peter more invested in his phone than the questions being asked.

"It's too much the same," Alex had mumbled when his mother had finally nudged at him with the question, but he had nothing more precise than that to offer her.

She took it in stride, perhaps his father would have been more perplexed over it but he was working late and Alex was spared that much, left only to the nod and puzzled look of one parent.

"Isn't it a little depressing so bare though? Maybe we should try to redo your room? It wouldn't take a lot of work and you're right, it might be better that way," she offered, looking for a bridge across the gap of silence stretched across the table.

Alex glanced to her and agreed, if only with a nod of his own, it all still felt surreal; home didn't feel like it used to and he was trying to force the pieces back into place.

"We can go look this weekend since I don't have a shift," the coaxing continued and Alex wanted to say yes, wanted to pretend like he could do it; just jump right back into things. But he felt exhausted thinking about it and anxious, the uncertainty flickered on his face, coupled with frustration, so painfully clear.

"Maybe next week," she amended with a smile that was warm, if only a hint weaker than she might have liked, but pushing too much too soon wasn't fair.

"Yeah," Alex agreed quickly, having just more space, more time to prepare for the idea, more room to breathe; he needed that.

The rest of the meal fell into silence, other than the subtle beep occasionally of Peter's phone.

Too awake from sleeping the day away, Alex lingered at his empty desk, door open so that he could see into the hallway, alone after Justin had wandered off to take a shower. The house is otherwise quiet, his mother already in bed for her morning shift and Peter gone out and not likely to return until the next day; he has nothing to wait for but waited none the less.

His eyes only strayed towards the window when he heard the low rumble of a car, knowing his father had come home, and then edged over to push the door nearly shut; through the crack he could hear the man walk upstairs and caught sight of his glance to the boxes and the furrow of his brow.

For a split second Alex waited again, silently urging him to ask, to just walk into his room and see how he was doing, just do anything. Offer him support or disapproval, just acknowledge that Alex was home and things were different but that they would be okay in time. That's what he wanted, what he needed; but it didn't happen.

Alex uttered a tired sound and dropped his arms to the desk, forehead against them, when he heard the sound of his parents' bedroom door open and shut again, knowing it meant his father had gone to bed.

The house was too silent and he would go mad, honestly out of his mind, if he had to endure it for one more second. But there's no way to break that quiet other than throwing something and as tempting as it is by the time his fingers wrapped around a book on the desk, the door already popped open and Justin only gave him a strange look as he walked past and flopped down on the ground near the bed.

"What'd the book do to you?"

"Huh?" Alex only realized then that his hands were still wrapped around the object so he dropped it aside with a vague sound, "Nothing, just restless."

It was going to be a long night.

Alex said nothing else, Justin only sat there, back eased against the wall and one knee drawn up to fold his arms across it; not nearly tired but not all too certain of what to do either until Alex gave him anything beyond a hint.

"So, since we both know you're not going to sleep, you want to watch a movie or something?" Best case Alex might pass out if he were distracted, Justin assumed, and give the both of them the chance to actually sleep off the night rather than spend all day out. Not that Justin really minded it, lazing around during the day, but it was a habit that was going to start annoying Alex's parents and since he was only there by their good graces he had to at least hide most of his usual bad habits.

"Makes my head hurt still," Alex replied, little more than a mutter of discontent over the fact and Justin could understand not wanting another of those pounding headaches he'd seen put the other teen practically on the ground.

It didn't leave him with a lot of suggestions otherwise though.

"Fine," Alex finally relented when he had nothing to offer himself, dragging the laptop over closer to where he sat at the desk. It hadn't been opened since the night he'd last been in that room and the sluggish hum as it came to life was testament to that fact, but the computer finally lit up with a familiar chime.

Justin turned his attention towards the screen, making the effort to stand and wander over while Alex tapped keys, a bit slower than before but he managed it none the less.

Justin's brow furrowed for an instant when he spotted one of the folders on the screen and Alex only barely glanced out of the corner of his eye to see the expression.

"Don't tell me that's what I think it is," Justin's eyes fell on the folder marked 'Hannah' with a twinge of apprehension but surely even Alex wasn't that self-damning.

"It's pictures, mostly, of us, and Jess. We were friends," Alex replied with a tense edge to his voice; the 'were' felt distinctly painful. "And the tapes," he added, guilty over the confession, "But what was I supposed to do? Delete it? She should be remembered."

"Not like that," Justin retorted without hesitation, arms crossed over his chest with the words, "How much of a masochist are you, man? You think that's going to help anything? It's just going to make you miserable again and I thought you were getting past this."

"You don't just get past killing someone."

"You didn't kill her," Justin was tempted to yell but his voice only barely kept steady, "She killed herself; a dozen different things happened, maybe a million, that pointed her that direction but people make that choice. Did we all screw up instead of doing better, yeah, we did. But you didn't make her do it, just like nobody made you do it."

The words struck silence between them and even Justin was surprised at himself for them. Alex might not have believed them and by the look on his face it was easy to tell they hurt, but the truth had a vicious edge to it sometimes.

"How is it so easy for you to justify what any of us did?" Alex had to struggle with the words and when they finally came out it was in a tired jumble that Justin was certain he wouldn't have understood if he hadn't gotten used to the way Alex's words sometimes slurred since he'd woken up in the hospital.

"Because I'm not ready to crawl into the grave with her, mistakes or not I don't think I deserve to be there, even if I might. If I thought she wanted that I could have stepped out in front of Tyler, but I didn't deserve it." Maybe it came down to just being selfish himself but Justin had always fought to stay alive in one way or another even if that fight was just so reflexive he didn't realize it, he wasn't as ready to give up as he had once thought. "I don't think you deserve it either Standall, you did a lot less than I did." But getting Alex to believe it was the one thing Justin had no idea how to accomplish.

"Keep your pictures," Justin added, knowing that some things were important even if they were damning, "Keep all of that but let the tapes go, man; just let her get some peace."

"You think that's part of it?" Alex was tentative with the question, reaching, for an instant Justin saw a glint of hope that those dark clouds might break.

"Who knows; but obsessing over it just drags up all the bad memories and maybe that does something, maybe she's had her say and we're the ones keeping that ghost haunting us." Because he felt it, that sensation of a shadow following him and he knew they all did, in their own ways. "I don't know any of that, I just know the longer it does haunt everybody the more it keeps destroying them."

Justin wished he had a better way to explain it but that was all he could dredge up. He'd seen Tyler slip into madness, watched Jensen nearly go out of his mind with obsessive guilt, knew Alex's life would never be the same now and they were all still paying in their own ways beyond that; every single one of them.

At some point it had to stop or there was going to be nothing of any of them left and that terrified him.

"Bryce is going to jail, for a long time. Jess is getting help, Marcus and Courtney are trying to move on, Zach is trying to do what he can, even Jensen is starting to realize he can't hang on to a ghost forever."

Justin tried to reason and it felt like a desperate effort but maybe it would finally get through to Alex, "We can't bring her back, and she didn't make those tapes because she wanted everyone to follow her."

Or maybe she did; Justin still didn't understand fully Hannah's motivations but they seemed just as cruel as so many things that had happened to her. The argument was the only one he could make that Alex might believe, if only a little. 

None of them had ever really been innocent in how they'd tried so hard to hide the truth but they'd only been human; it just wasn't in them to know how to save the world when they could barely save themselves.

"It still doesn't feel right," Alex protested weakly and Justin could agree with that, with a sigh and a nod as he slumped to lean against the wall.

"No, it doesn't, but I don't think it ever will and we're all just going to have to live with it."

Live with the loss, not only of Hannah but of each other, of their past; of the bonds that had been strong but the guilt had dissolved. Justin had lost friends, some he didn't need to hold onto like Bryce but others he knew would always have a hollow spot in his chest like Jess. And he knew Alex carried even more of that guilt for having been closer to Hannah than himself, for all the things that Alex wanted to make someone pay for, even if it was himself.

"You still want to keep living?" It was a dangerous question, so dangerous in fact, and Justin had nearly asked it a few times in the past but it felt like time to bring it to light.

"I don't know yet."

The weight of the words lay in the air and nearly choked it with something poisonous but Justin fight back every first impulse he had and let them remain what they were, for now.

Every step forward was a false one if Alex still gave up; every setback took him back to the edge, but so far he still stepped from it at the last moment and Justin had to find some hope in that. Alex wanted to live, he just couldn't accept yet that he didn't have to give up.

"Well, I want you around, so you're going to have to stop torturing yourself."

Unfair, perhaps, but Alex was trying to die for someone, if it took someone demanding he live instead Justin could do that, and would. Sometimes being selfish was what it took just to survive.

"You just want a place to live," Alex protested without any venom in the words. Over the past few months all the anger that had sparked between the two of them at times had faded into annoyance at the worst, but more often than that acceptance that they were both so equally stubborn that most any argument was bound to end in a stalemate.

"If that was true I'd kick you out of your bed." Justin found it easier to offer the retort than to let the conversation linger in that thick weariness. "And I still want to watch a movie, but I swear Standall if it's that one with the creepy-ass rabbit I'm throwing that thing out the window."

"My room, my movie," Alex countered automatically and on sheer principle alone started to hunt for the copy of Donnie Darko he kept on his hard-drive.

Justin chuckled to himself because he wasn't a therapist by any means but he did know a few things from spending time with Alex; one of them being that movie was the other teen's favorite, morbid as it was or not.

He could suffer through it another night if it got Alex to relax and leave the ghosts tucked away in that folder for just a little while longer.


	15. Chapter 15

As much as Justin wanted to settle into something close to normality, to feel as though things were going to find a track to follow that would at least be less than total chaos Alex just kept throwing him curve-balls.

The latest was no exception; the other teen standing in the frame of the open bathroom door with expectant eyes on him and a stubborn set to his jaw that Justin hadn't seen much of since before the night of Alex's injury.

"You want me to do what?" Not so sure he had heard correctly, as it was the sort of painful hour of the early morning that Alex had insisted upon waking up at in the less than a week he had been home, much to the dismay of Justin's own desire to sleep in late now that he finally had a bed waiting for him when he finally worked up the conviction that it was alright to leave the other teen to sleep out the night alone.

Alex looked tired of his questions, or else just flat annoyed with the stalling, "My depth perception is a mess still and I need this fixed." A stray motion to his hair and the disarray that it had become in those months. "I already have a scar, I don't need a godawful ugly haircut too because I can't do it evenly."

This was dangerous ground and Justin knew it, knew how much effort Alex put into his appearance even though he made just as much effort for it to seem as though he did nothing at all to maintain it. There was a fine line there and Alex, always, was on the side of put-together in ways most guys their age simply didn't bother with.

It almost felt like some strange test; Alex urging him into the idea of doing this to see if he would dare attempt it. Or maybe it was Alex just trying to earnestly ask for help when he barely knew how to let his pride go enough to do it.

"Your mom," Justin started but then fell back silent under the weary look Alex gave him. At that point he got it; he knew what the issue was and that the other teen was trying too hard to act as though things were back to normal.  
Things had to be normal for Alex's family to function and Justin had begun to see that; as eager as they were for him to get better they were also nearly counting on him doing it so that it could all be put behind them.

Left with what felt like no other options Justin only nodded and followed Alex into the confines of the bathroom, still only eyeing the object when Alex handed the clipper over to him.

Alien, the device, his own hair was cut short but not nearly to the refined and neat state that Alex maintained; scissors were more familiar than that electric razor but it was too late to back down really.

"It's easy, it's already set, just don;t do something stupid like hack the side of my ear off," morbid, the thought, but Alex already looked uncomfortable with being unable to carry out that simple task himself so Justin said nothing to joke it off.

He did feel tempted to cringe at the possibility but knowing Alex it was just said to make him twitch.

Or so he hoped.

"I warned you," Justin offered one last time before Alex's eyes flickered from him off to the mirror in front of the counter where he stood, watching his reflection.

And it didn't go half as badly as Justin thought it might, there was nothing complicated about it beyond making sure he kept up with where he'd already tackled the unruly mess of Alex's hair. It would have been easier to cut it first, he realized, but Alex was in no mood to debate how the job got done so he tried to navigate it with that razor instead.

A good fifteen minutes ticked by before Justin reached a spot that caused him to pause. Up to that point he had subconsciously avoided the side of Alex's head where that scar cut across his skull but he finally had nothing else left to cut and his brow furrowed over the matter.

"You can't exactly leave it like that," Alex had answered his question before he'd had a chance to ask it, tone bland with a hint of bite that almost made Justin feel better.

"What, afraid you can't pull it off? Thought you had more ego than that, Standall."

He needed the banter, both of them did, just to distance enough to continue. Enough that Justin was only a little apprehensive when he ran the clippers through Alex's hair on the side, trying not to do the same himself when he saw him flinch.

"Dammit, you okay?" Uncertain if the twitch was pain or just one of the random muscle fits that still crept up on him occasionally, Justin waited for confirmation.

"Feels weird, doesn't hurt, just weird," Alex frowned at the realization, "I don't know, like my skin is too tight or something. Hurry up and finish."

Good enough reasoning, Justin took those final few swipes of the electronic blades and set it aside on the counter while Alex lifted his hands to run through his short-cropped hair to inspect it.

It looked the same as before his hospital stay, aside from the color being too dark, Alex looked satisfied with the attempt.

"I almost look like me again."

"Sorry man, I didn't think it was that bad," Justin quipped in reply and had to smile at the eye-roll he gained for the words.

"Now get out," Alex set the clippers back in the drawer and all but ushered Justin out of the small space.

"What?" Baffled by the sudden change in mood, even though he knew to expect it for some time still while Alex recovered, Justin blinked as he reached the doorway.

"I don't need you to hold my hand while I bleach it; I have to get in the shower for that."

The explanation clear enough to make Justin step away from the door and have it shut behind him, he should have known Alex would go all the way with the idea if he was bound to do anything at all.

But maybe that was better for him, some grasp back at what felt like where he should be; Justin could only hope that Alex was doing it for himself and not for the sake of putting up that image of normality.

After nearly an hour that Justin spent crashed on Alex's bed thumbing through a guitar magazine he'd found stuffed in a box destined to be packed away in the attic he slowly realized time had slipped past while his nose had been buried in the uninteresting articles.

Determined to wait it out and not act like he was worried, because it wasn't worry so much as concern anyway, he only glanced towards the open doorway and into the hall for signs of Alex. There were none and the bathroom door remained shut, but the sound of the shower had stopped; he just had little idea when that had been.

He didn't have to ponder over it long before the curiosity got the best of him and on his feet again, he wandered that direction to linger near the shut door.

"I know you spend more time getting ready than any normal guy but this is impressive even for you," he remarked to the solid surface, tempted to reach for the handle.

"I'm fine," the voice on the other side was firm in the words and Justin noted that with some relief, even if he doubted it, "Just..really pissed off about how easy it is to get tired, still."

"Yeah, but-" Justin barely started to speak before he was interrupted.

"Would you just open the door, I can barely hear you through it."

Permission granted, he gave the door a nudge open and stepped inside, spotting Alex sitting on the edge of the tub, rubbing at his hair with a towel, the fabric hanging against his bare shoulders.

"You're supposed to be going back to physical therapy next week for that, since you were stuck in bed so long." Justin managed to finish the thought before he, admittedly, grew a bit distracted watching the other teen.

It wasn't that he found guys all too attractive, he liked the soft lines and alluring curves the female species possessed and there was very little that drew him in as much as a pretty girl with a bright smile and the sort of body that, stereotypical male of him or not, just was impossible to ignore.

But the high arch of Alex's thin shoulders, still too thin honestly after the weeks of recovery behind him, and the familiar shock of nearly ivory hair when he dropped the towel down to rub at his face instead; something about it all was distracting.

Truthfully Alex wasn't unattractive by any means; he lacked sharp edges but he had strong ones, his eyes were fierce when provoked and oddly warm when he wasn't guarded. Justin could see why Jess had been drawn to him, but seeing it for himself was a little awkward.

It didn't matter either way what other people felt when it came to attraction to whatever gender, Justin didn't have any bias in that, and he'd found the occasional guy interesting enough to have a second look, a few drunk or high nights with more than just a look, but that little twinge of attraction in his stomach felt strange and out of place when it came to the other teen.

Alex was his best friend and the guy needed him, it was just...misplaced and wrong to be staring.

"Okay, is the hair that bad? Because I know you've seen a guy without his shirt before, probably a lot more."

Alex's flat comment broke the fog in his brain and Justin offered a weak laugh, scrambling to catch back up.

"It's just been a while since I've seen you actually look like you," Justin confessed, realizing perhaps that was a part of it.

Alex scrutinized him for a moment, then went back to drying his hair, mostly to hide some of the grateful smile at the words.

"You always do that," Justin remarked as he moved over to sit on the counter, "You look like you're almost happy and then you try to hide it."

Something about it almost felt...discouraging, that Alex felt the need to obscure it from him. The words felt awkward and so did the silence that came after it before Justin finally waved it off.

"You done now?"

"Yeah," Alex nodded and dropped the towel into the hamper when he stood, only slightly unsteady of his feet as he grabbed for his t-shirt to pull it over his head. Evading the conversation was the best he could when he had no real answers.

"You're taking me to therapy next week?" The question was tentative as Alex edged past him and into the hallway with a moment of debate over going downstairs but the distance felt exhausting. The nod was answer enough from Justin and he tried not to twitch, "You're going to drive my car?"

"Yeah, somebody has to, until you can." Justin knew that logic stung, he could see it for an instant in Alex's eyes just how deeply that wound ran when it came to the fact that he couldn't even be allowed to drive like any other teenager.

"And they trust you to not kill the both of us," the retort was weak at best but it had to be there, had to shield some of that ache.

Justin held his hands up in mock-defense and worked up an amused smirk as best he could, "I won't even smoke first."

"That would be less disturbing if I didn't know you have to actually promise that or you would do it."

Even though Justin hadn't come around the hospital smelling like weed Alex still figured he held the vice in private, and there was no other way to clarify the no driving while high rule other than to flat shut it down then and there.

He liked his car and he did not want to die in a fiery crash; if anything he was trying to stay alive now more than flirt too much with death again.

"Standall, you have no faith in me at all," Justin tried to sound hurt but was too entertained by the scowl that Alex shot him to keep hold of the pathetic expression.

"Not when it comes to driving my car."

He may have had a point, Justin wasn't the most adept driver, but it wasn't a complicated task either. More a matter of the blackouts Alex still suffered and the occasional muscle spasms that could have gone very badly behind the wheel.

Justin was about to open his mouth for another snide remark when Mrs. Standall called up from downstairs, stopping the both of them in their tracks back towards the room.

"Alex; you have a visitor!"

They shared a blink of surprise at the interruption; Alex paused mid-step and Justin glancing towards the staircase.

"Alex, did you hear me? Jessica is here to see you; did you want me to send her up or do you want to come down?"

The words hung in the air for a tense second and neither of them moved, a conflicted mix of emotions playing across Alex's face and an entire lack of them other than surprise on Justin's in comparison.

"I'll..no, it's fine, I'll be down in a minute," finally Alex found his voice, unsteady as it was.

Jess had come to see him, finally, to see if he was alright. She was still dealing with so much on her own and she had come to check in on him. Alex was elated at the fact, at the possibility that maybe their friendship wasn't so entirely broken that it couldn't be fixed.

Just the act of visiting him meant she at least cared that he was alive and trying to drag himself back to sanity.

His hand hit the railing of the stairs before he stopped, that trek a daunting one with how easily he got vertigo still, fingers tightening on the rail as he reflexively glanced to the side to where he knew Justin would be in case he did lose balance.

The problem was Justin wasn't there.

Confusion apparent, Alex's gaze shot back to the other teen, not demanding so much as wordlessly questioning the stall in that normal pattern to things.

"Jess hates me, man, I can't go down there," Justin uttered in a low voice ringed with the traces of guilt he still felt when considering what he had down to her. It had been terrible, he had been afraid, but when it had all built up pretending that it had never happened had felt like the only way to save her.

It was the wrong way.

Alex said nothing for a long moment, the realization hitting him that Justin was right and his presence was only going to upset Jess. It also brought back to light everything that had happened, things that he had almost put out of his mind that Justin had done; things that had nearly ruined the life of the girl he had once loved himself.

"Mom? Can you help me?" Alex finally spoke and Justin's shoulders sank when he turned away, when Mrs. Standall arrived to aid him in navigating those stairs; feeling for all the world like he wanted to just disappear.

Maybe he could have right then; slipped out of the house and not looked back. Evading the heaviness of the world had been his only defense for a long time and the temptation flared; Alex didn't need him now that he was home and had people there for him.

He toyed with the notion and finally put it out of his head, knowing he didn't want to overhear the conversation below however; Justin forced himself down the hallway and through the doorway of Peter's empty room. The bed felt odd when he crashed down on it but the pillow made for a good place to bury his head to wait; knowing there was nothing else he could do.

He just hoped that Jess could help Alex more than hurt him; at times her insights could carry accusation and those walls were already paper-thin. Justin didn't want to believe she would hurt him though, she cared about Alex, even with their history turned sour she had to still care if she'd shown up to see him.

She had been good for him in the past, that friendship had seen him through some awkward times, from what Alex had told him. So maybe it would do the same again; even if Justin held a tiny flicker of apprehension over the idea that she could just as easily drive a wall between Alex and himself.


	16. Chapter 16

"You look good," she had spoken to him when he'd walked into the room, standing from the couch to meet him and reach for a hug; leaving Alex uncertain if the words were honest or only kindness.

But they seemed honest enough and he offered a weak smile in thanks for them before they both returned to the couch it sit. There was something surreal about the moment; how it felt like forever since they had spoken, or a lifetime ago, and perhaps it had been for each of them.

"I wanted to come see you in the hospital but I had so much going on with my parents, and they wanted me to see a therapist and talk to the police." As she trailed off he only nodded, granting her the chance to leave the words unsaid because they both understood the weight of them.

"I'm glad to see you now," Alex replied, eyes set back on her for a moment when she reached for his hand to squeeze it.

"How are you doing, really?"

Of course, she would ask, because she had always been so set on the details; even when they had dated she had never let him go a day without checking on his well-being.

Alex knew he hadn't given her that much in return and Jess had deserved so much better than what he had been then.

"Getting better, it's just slow." Too slow for him, yes, that was the source of most of his frustrations.

"Your mom said it was pretty bad at first, that you couldn't walk," she wasn't trying to stir up old memories, only trying to understand the scope of his pain.

"Yeah," Alex could only nod in agreement because he had tried to put much of it behind him finally, "I was starting to wonder if they were ever going to let me out. They've got me going to therapy now so I can make it back to school after the break."

"That's great though," Jess replied quickly, mustering up some earnest happiness for him with another squeeze of his hand, "I was worried that you wouldn't want to go back."

"I don't," he couldn't deny that much, "But it feels like letting something win if I don't."

And he was determined to prove that he wasn't some sob story to be told in the hallways.

"Maybe we should start going for coffee again," Jess ventured with caution as she tried to find something to latch onto, "Somewhere new though."

"I'd like that." Agreeing was going to be easier than the follow through and he knew it, there was something that rattled in his head and made his stomach twist up in painful knots at the thought of leaving the house and Alex hadn't tackled it yet, he hadn't even tried to.

But he was going to have to eventually and Jess was there extending that hand to pull him back on his feet so he had to try for her; maybe he couldn't comprehend the pain she had suffered but they had both paid a price for the past and it was some even ground.

"How are you doing?" As nervous as he was of the answer and her reaction to the question there was no way he couldn't avoid it.

For a moment she sat silent, hands folded in her lap and eyes cast towards them, gripping a second before she forced calm enough to speak.

"Dad wants me to see my therapist a few more weeks and I think it is helping. It's keeping me from doing anything else to make it go away." Her words were soft and they both knew what she meant, knew that alcohol was her escape of choice and her biggest battle to fight now.

Alex nodded and reached for her hand to give it a squeeze; for an instant, she saw the sweet, charming boy he had been when they'd first met, awkward but curious. For a second he was only Alex again, not Alex after the list, after Hannah, after he had left her feeling betrayed when they'd been unable to hold their relationship together.

Just Alex with his soft eyes and his effort to smile even when he didn't want to, just to smooth over rough edges and make her feel better. The Alex from before they had fought more than they had laughed, before the strings holding them close had unraveled.

Jess remembered why she had loved him once, and realized why she couldn't again; neither of them where those people anymore.

  


"I've got one of those too now, don't know for how long, might be a life sentence at the rate I'm going before my dad thinks I'm not crazy."

"Alex, you're not crazy, you're just sensitive and there was so much drowning you in all that misery." She believed it, that it was Alex's sensitive nature that had caused him to fall apart. "You were right; we all did so much wrong, none of us wanted to accept it though."

And look where it had left them, in the end.

With a weak smile, she tried to usher the conversation elsewhere because they didn't need to dwell on what they both already knew, and what wasn't going to change.

"We'll have to start a new tradition; therapy and coffee." Making it sound less frightening was the only way to take away some of the shame they both felt, needless or not, in knowing they needed the help.

Alex chuckled in agreement and some part of him almost hoped that even though things would never be the same they could still be okay, somehow, between them.

"I find out tomorrow which one I go to, there can't be that many of them around here."

"Do you need a ride?" She offered because that much she could at least do, she hadn't been there to help him enough because of her own recovery but they had both been in a dark place to climb their way out of.

"Oh, not tomorrow," Alex trailed off when he realized that he already had someone to take him to those appointments but surely Justin wouldn't care, it would save him having to do it and he was still going to have to drive him to the physical therapist anyway.

"Your mom not working?" Jess assumed with a glance absently towards the kitchen where Mrs. Standall was busy at the table with a stack of papers. Jess admired her; she was steady without being harsh, and she did so much to keep her family held together.

Alex followed her gaze to his mother before he shook his head, "Justin, but after tomorrow I can go with you if you want. I can't drive for a while and as personally mortifying as that is I also do not want to crash my car."

Funny; since he had considered doing that exact thing months before.

Jess' eyes darted back to him and clouded with some emotion he couldn't understand; so thick mix of a dozen different ones hanging in her tense gaze.

"I thought he left town after school was over," and given the way she said it there was little question that she had hoped that had been the case.

"Jess," Alex began but found himself cut short by her eyes once again, falling silent.

"No, Alex, not after what he did to me." There was no forgiveness yet, perhaps there never would be, "Am I supposed to be okay with the idea that he's helping you? Are you guys friends now? Even after everything that happened?"

"I..yeah, we are. It just happened; he just was there for me, every night I was in the hospital."

Alex didn't even attempt to add that Justin had been the only one there because that wasn't fair, he knew Jess had been trying to deal with her own demons. But her anger was exactly what he had worried would come from knowing about Justin.

"I thought he would be there for me too," Jess spoke softly, fingers rubbing at her wrist, "I was wrong though, and he lied. He let me believe that I was crazy when he knew what happened to me, what he let happen to me."

Alex had nothing to offer, he couldn't argue Justin's innocence because she was right; even if Justin had been afraid he still should have never convinced her that it was all in her head.

Jess might have forgiven him for that list but what Justin had done had hurt her so much worse; there was no easy path back from that.

"I guess that means coffee is canceled," Alex trailed off with a flicker of misery over being so close to regaining that friendship only to have it shatter once more.

"Alex," Jess' voice drew his eyes back to her and for an instant, they softened, "I want to be here for you, and I will whenever you need me. I should have been there before but now you and I have a lot to get through ourselves; we both need a friend."

She was right and Alex was afraid to speak and ask if that meant she wasn't walking away from him but the answer came when she reached for his hand again.

"Coffee," she nodded, "I'll be here. But not around him; I don't want to talk to him. For your sake, I'll ignore him, but I won't let him do something to hurt you."

Alex couldn't imagine Justin doing anything like that but he also had been shocked when Justin had confessed to hiding what Bryce had done to Jess; the line of good and bad in people was so thin, so painfully thin.

For a while they only sat there, both turning over the conversation in their mind and feeling that strange familiarity of each other again, not the same as before. It was finally Alex's mom who broke the silence, calling from the kitchen.

"Did you want to say for dinner Jessica?" Mrs. Standall leaned around the doorframe with the question, eyes falling on the two of them, "You're welcome to of course."

"No thank you," Jess politely stood to excuse herself, "If I'm not home soon my dad is going to start calling to track me down. He worries."

It was humor but in a way, it also cut deep; knowing why the man worried. Alex said nothing beyond offering a weak goodbye and promising to call her later before Jess stepped away from him and his mom walked her to the door.

"It was so nice to see Jessica again," Mrs. Standall was all bright smiles when she returned and Alex offered a weak nod, "You ready to eat? Your dad isn't going to be home until late and I have to leave in an hour so I thought if you were we'd have dinner together."

"Sorry, I don't really feel like eating right now, my stomach is a wreck." Alex apologized, knowing she was disappointed, but after the tension had broken with Jess' final words he felt that old ache flaring in the pit of his insides. "Would you mind helping me back upstairs? I might lie down a while; I'm really tired."

"Guess it'll be me and Justin tonight then, you get some rest." Her hand ran through his once again short hair, her smile a soft one; left to assume it had all been too much for his still-healing body to handle at once. It was more so his mind that was feeling exhausted but Alex didn't mention it, only thanked her when she helped him back up the stairs and pressed a kiss to his forehead before asking him to make sure Justin knew there was food downstairs.

They were all doing the best they could; his mother was practically a saint.

  


His room was empty when he reached it and for a fleeting second Alex actually wondered if Justin had run off again, if he was gone for good that time. Surely not; the idea was too difficult to fathom, much less to see as logical. But with the other teen nowhere to be found Alex's hopes crashed down in slow degrees. The only other possibility was Peter's room; that was what felt like a long walk to manage in his tired state.

But he managed none the less, relieved to find Justin sprawled on the bed in a disjointed heap, eyes cast towards the ceiling.

"Thought I'd get a nap in before I had to figure out where to go next," he spoke without glancing Alex's direction, knowing he was there.

"She's right; what you did was terrible."

"I know that, you know that; everybody knows that. I was scared and Bryce was all I had to go back to." Justin knew the excuse was weak at best, but it was a miserable truth. "I thought if I told her it was okay and pretended like it didn't happen it wouldn't hurt her as much."

"I'm not going to kick you out," Alex pointed out as he sat down on the edge of the bed, "I should maybe but you've been there for me more than anybody. I didn't expect it, but I don't know if I would have gotten out of that hospital on my own, or wanted to."

Justin sat up slowly, sharing the tired look already on Alex's face; both of them feeling the world weighing heavy on them.

"Did you love her?"

It was a fair question but a difficult one, and Justin had always jumped to the answer in the past but after everything that had happened he knew that maybe he hadn't because if he had there would have been no way he would have done what he had.

"I cared about her," Justin finally uttered, "I still care about her. But I think I wanted to be in love with her more than I actually was. You've seen, she's perfect, but wasn't perfect for me...and I hurt her."

The confession made Alex ache right down to his bones; he had loved Jess and she had been too good for him as well so he could understand that much; chasing something so wonderful and knowing you always fell short because they were just too good for you.

"It just...it seemed easier that way," Justin continued without prompting and Alex studied him curiously, "Maybe it was mom, I don't know."

"What's your mom got to do with anything?" Some part of Alex was hesitant to ask, unwilling to fully take that look in the home life Justin avoided discussing.

"She said it was easier for everybody to just not think about things that couldn't be changed, I guess I believed her after a while." Justin frowned and lifted a hand to scratch at the back of his neck, "I thought if it worked for me when things went bad and I was okay maybe it would work the same way for Jess."

Alex fell into utter silence at the words, not certain if he were reading too much into them or not enough; unable to decide exactly what Justin was telling him and terrified he might make the wrong assumptions. Anxiety welled up in his guts and he forced it down, he had to, because this conversation was for Justin's sake and not his own.

"It still wasn't right; I should have known how wrong it was to do that to Jess, I just...I didn't know what else to do."

Justin felt the guilt snap down on him like a steel trap, felt the corners of his eyes dampen and he scrubbed at them with his palm with a sigh.

"I...yeah, I should have known it wasn't right."

Justin sitting there, wrapped up in those words with the pain dulling his eyes; it was not what Alex had expected and he was not prepared for. There was more horror lurking inside Justin Foley's life than he had ever realized, more reasoning to the way he pushed everything aside without fully engaging it, without allowing things to dig under his skin; there was more to that story and just skimming the surface left Alex unsure that he could stomach the full amount of it anytime soon.

"Christ." Alex stumbled over the word and ran his hands through his newly-cut hair in a restless motion, knowing it sounded pathetic in reply but there was nothing he could think to say.

It made more sense, finally, everything he had found so quick to anger over in regards to Justin's actions. His dependency on Bryce and how easily he was manipulated by the other teen with such simple promises of friendship, how he could have even fathomed trying to hide away Jess' rape, even from herself, how badly he wanted her to disconnect from that night to save her the agony of the memories.

Alex had always found it bizarre how willingly Justin allowed people to take advantage of him in exchange for simple favors; the other teen had come to accept it as a way to survive.

Sick to his stomach, Alex couldn't speak again after that and Justin had no desire to, not for a long while. Distantly he heard the sound of his mother's car pulling out of the driveway and the house left empty aside from the two of them.

"You know I want you here, right?" Alex finally ventured, as hard as it was to say the words he desperately wanted Justin to understand that he wasn't asking for anything in return for the offer of that home he was borrowing. Right or wrong Justin was his friend, his best friend, he didn't want to know he was out in the world alone. 

"I know, man, and I'm grateful."

The tone of the words were so earnest they almost stung, it was gratitude laced through them and Alex let loose a sigh of relief.

"You know I wanted to help you? I wasn't just hanging around the hospital for a place to sleep," Justin countered, everything needed to get out into the air so they could both catch their breath. Alex needed to know that he saw him as a friend, an actual friend, and not just a means to get by. "I don't actually...dislike you, Standall."

"Yeah," Alex laughed weakly even if his throat still felt a bit raw from the tension there, "I don't dislike you either."


	17. Chapter 17

The drive was difficult enough, between Alex's grumbling about not wanting his car wrecked and Justin's countless attempts to reassure him that wasn't going to happen, but the last fifteen minutes had been a distinct sort of miserable for the both of them. Granted, more so for Alex; since the blonde had spent most of it with his head in the small trashcan from the bathroom upstairs that he had, wisely, thought to bring with him on the chance that his stomach decided to be unsteady that morning.

It had been more than unsteady; it had been all out rioting the entire drive across town and they'd barely made it halfway. There was something morbidly unpleasant about watching someone dry heave from motion sickness and Justin was ready to pull the car over and call the entire idea off by the time Alex had given up trying to sit up straight and just rested his forehead against the dashboard. 

He looked exhausted and that was entirely reasonable; between the stomach cramps and the clawing need to revisit his breakfast it wasn't a pretty sight. 

"What wrong with you today, man? Do you need to go to the doctor or something?" Justin had seen Alex ill before but not that viciously so, not even when he'd been recovering in the hospital. "The hospital isn't that far from here."

"S'just my stomach, stress." Alex all but groaned in his misery, eyes half shut to block out the light that felt too bright around him. "Started hurting last night and it's just all the motion right now."

Nerves; it made sense with the history of anxiety and the more recent panic attacks Alex suffered; the latter of which Justin wasn't certain he could handle within the confines of that car. 

"Yeah, you're not making it to therapy today," he finally decided when they slowed at the next red light and Alex uttered a low sound of misery.

That sound quickly turned into one of protest as he lifted his head, "My dad will have a fit if I don't go."

"Don't think he's going to be thrilled if you do go and puke on the therapist."

Justin's logic was, as usual, very frustrating when he had a valid point, especially one Alex didn't want to hear. 

"Fine."

"You'll feel better when you relax some," Justin suggested, "We can stop by Zach's place on the way, I know what'll help you calm down."

"You are not taking weed into my house." Alex glared and Justin was impressed that he had the energy to do so after the last bout of trying to throw his lungs up. "My dad is a cop, idiot; you think he can't smell that stuff a mile away?"

"I don't think even dogs can smell it a mile away," Justin mused as he continued on his way, turning off to the street that ran closer to where Zach lived.

"I'm going to throw this bucket at you."

The words were so weak Justin couldn't help but feel sympathy and he chuckled, "Could do us both a favor and throw it out the window, or at least open it since it's getting bad enough in here to make me gag."

Alex just grumbled again and smashed the button with his palm, at least the cool air on his face felt slightly better than the stale version still lingering inside that small space. 

"It's fine, we'll go somewhere else; I know a place."

"If you even think about mentioning Bryce-" Alex was suddenly animated again, anger flickering in his lethargic eyes and Justin held his hands up for an instant before dropping them back to the steering wheel.

"No, not there. I haven't even seen him since the tapes and the trail started." Justin defended himself as best he could, even though he knew Alex still harbored enough malice towards Bryce that even the mention of him set him off. 

"Just trust me," he added, leaving Alex tempted to shake his head but he wasn't going to risk his stomach betraying him again when it had only started to settle down.  
Shortly after, bag tucked into his pocket and Alex giving him a bland sideways glance out of one eye, Justin thought the morning was looking up. Anything had to be better than the way it started and he had plans to spend a few hours forgetting all the little problems that kept nagging at him, and one larger problem that had returned with Jess the day before carrying the weight of guilt he thought he had learned how to shoulder. 

Not at all the case, he felt like a coward but he still couldn't even bring himself to speak to her, much less look her in the eye. Some mistakes were, even if he hated to agree with Alex's dismal view of the idea, unforgivable. They might dull some in time but they weren't going to ever fully fade; Justin needed a moment to catch his breath. 

  


"Where are we?" Alex had only bothered to ask when the car had finally stopped moving and he could lift his head against from the spot it had been occupying against the dash, eyes flickered towards the window and a frown spreading over his lips, "the park?"

"You came to the park in the middle of the morning to smoke weed." Deadpan, it was refreshingly like the old Alex; that already had to be a good sign.

"Nobody comes to this one anymore, they opened that other one closer to downtown," Justin pointed out as he propped his sneakers on the dash and reached down to tip the seat back some, fingers dropping to his pocket after. 

"You're not going to smoke in my car where somebody could smell it," Alex sounded downright frustrated at his bold intentions but Justin only shrugged it off.

"Nobody is going to want to come within five miles of this car for a few days after you've spent the morning hugging that bucket over there."

A valid point, perhaps, and even more of a reason to open his door and shove said object outside, but Alex didn't look even remotely convinced.  
When a moment had passed and he was still getting that flat state Justin lifted his hands in defeat, "Fine, we'll go outside. Like I said, nobody ever comes here this early in the morning anymore."

He was already pushing the door open when he realized Alex hadn't moved and that stubborn look hadn't budged even a tiny inch.

"Oh, now you go all good little soldier on me?" Justin retorted in an effort to nudge Alex into taking the challenge, "It'll help your stomach and your nerves." 

Alex had no doubt that any possible medical benefits to the idea were entirely because it was the best angle Justin could find at the time, and he wasn't buying it. 

"Okay, you stay here then; but you're worried about a little weed with all the drugs they've got you on right now?" 

Justin shut the door and strolled off towards the playground, slowly, because he had a feeling that he wouldn't be alone for long. By the time he'd reached the platform of the fort in the corner of the park and hauled himself up there he heard the car door shut and chuckled to himself while he waited.

Alex was irritated, it was true Justin had a point and that was entirely why he was irritated, a matter of pure principle that his pride got all scuffed up over even as he trekked across the gravel and wood chips. 

The other teen said nothing about it, left Alex to his grumbling and only offered him a hand up to scale the narrow ladder before sinking his shoulders back to the wall behind him; Justin left that mood alone for the moment and turned his attention to fishing the bag out of his pocket. 

"It'll be fine; have I lied to you yet?" Justin tucked the joint between his lips and flipped the lighter he pulled from another pocket around to light it; letting it smolder for a second before he drew the smoke into his lungs. Then he offered it over to Alex, waiting out the hesitation until the blonde finally took it. 

"No, you just convinced me to skip my therapy appointed and took me to a park to smoke weed with you in the middle of the morning," Alex countered before he took that draw, feeling the faint burn of smoke in his lungs reminding him how unused to it he was. He didn't cough, but only barely, and even managed to hand it back to Justin without fumbling.

"But I didn't lie," humor in the words as he tucked an arm behind his head and tipped his gaze to the skies above, Justin felt that eased sensation flow over him with the next draw, and the one after left him hazy and comfortable. 

Alex seemed to be in a similar state after another go at it, a faint fog to his gaze as he sat there; warm and lulled by the wispy sensations the felt like they settled right into the pit of his stomach and calmed all the protests there with the first relief from that pain and nausea he'd had all day. 

"They still not figured out how to make your stomach stop doing that?" Justin, curious, voiced the question once Alex had lost some of that tension he's been holding onto. That anxiety had to be misery and Alex's body was entirely unkind in how it tormented him with it; he'd seen the younger teen near to the point of doubled over in pain from his stressed stomach. 

Alex shook his head; if there was an easy fix nobody was offering it to him, unless that weed counted and he wasn't going to let himself get too comfortable with the idea. Somehow his dad would know; that possibility felt like a whole different sort of misery. 

"How you look so miserable when you're high; what is it with you Standall?" 

Justin laughed and Alex only rolled his eyes, he did find it amusing but didn't admit that outright, only let his sluggish eyes stray towards Justin to watch the other teen passively comfortable in the moment. The sunlight warm around him and nothing wrong in the world; he envied that about Justin, when he didn't have to think about how much that passive nature was a defense. 

"I think it's your voice; it just makes my eye twitch," Alex countered, realizing the retort was lagging but neither of them seemed to notice and Justin was back to laughing again; that time it did make Alex smile just a little. 

"At least I get a reaction out of you and that has to count for something."

Foley logic, once again, left Alex no less than baffled. It could have also been the amount of haze inside his skull right then and his inability to focus fully on what he was trying to say.  
A long moment passed with Justin picking at lint on his jeans before he dredged up the words that had been lingering in his head, "I wasn't sure you'd talk to me again after yesterday."

"I almost didn't." 

The reply wasn't unexpected but it stung, may have more so if he had been fully aware, but at the same time he couldn't really blame Alex for his opinion; what he had done was wrong. Maybe it was justified to suffer a little judgment over it. 

"Did you love her?"

It was a reasonable question in some ways, entirely unfair in everything else though, and Justin had to think it over before he could even find an answer, but maybe that itself was some degree of answer. 

"I cared a lot about her, I still do, I think I wanted the idea of love more than that being what it really was," he confessed; the notion swirling in his head, "She's perfect, you know? I wanted somebody to think I was too and she's beautiful, smart. She's everything I would want if I were to try to guess at it but she was perfect...we just weren't perfect together." 

It was a painful realization and one that Justin almost wished he hadn't offered, but Alex was looking back at him with a mirror to his own weariness, understanding in his gaze. 

"I loved her; but it wasn't right for us either." And how badly he has wanted it to be, how much he tried at the start of the relationship to be what she wanted, what he wasn't past the outer walls. It hadn't been Jess' fault that they weren't right, it hadn't been his fault; it just hadn't been what was supposed to last the both of them out forever.

"You ever get the feeling some people are just too good for you, and you can't figure out how you even had the time with them in the first place; like the universe was doing you a favor until you fucked it up."  
Justin rubbed his fingers at a rough spot in the knee of his jeans as he spoke and even Alex was surprised by the depth of the comment, and how easily he could relate to it.

"Yeah, I get what you're saying; I think a lot of fighting was my fault. I got frustrated too easily and we weren't happy anymore" 

"I don't know if we ever were really happy, or if we both just wanted to be and it made sense," Justin sighed, letting the thought slip off into the muddy fog inside his head, "She deserved a lot better than either of us."

"Very likely true." Alex agreed, eyelids dipping back shut for a lazy instant, fluttering open when Justin shifted restlessly.

"She really hates me being around you."

"She really hates you right now," Alex corrected, "But I can look out for myself; I know what she thinks and I get it, but I'm not going to let you get me into anything stupid."

  


A moment's pause before he motioned to the both of them, "Current bout of stupidity not included."  
Justin laughed softly but truly he was grateful that Alex was giving him a chance, he might not have even deserved it; Alex had been the one to give him more chances that most people. 

"But you're not feeling sick now, are you?

"Try not to sound so smug about it when you sing the praises of recreational drug use," deadpan, the words. 

"See, that's what I mean; who the hell sounds that smart when they're high."

Justin could not understand it, he found it hilarious however that Alex was better at flaunting his usual intellect when most people would have been stumbling to string two words together. There was very little about the blonde that didn't surprise him, time and time again.

"I'll be sure to put that on my college application, right next to the box I check for traumatic brain injury." Such a fleeting thought; Alex barely wanted to consider past the next few days, much less the looming monster that was the adult world. "I might need some influential friends to get by with that one."

"Hey, I'm the best friend you've got so you might be in trouble," Justin mused, looking rather smug over the fact and Alex did shake his head in amusement with the words. 

"You're a good friend," he could willingly admit that, "But best friend? Nah, that was back home, or...where we used to live. God, that feels like forever ago."  
While he mulled over it the topic had ensnared Justin’s flickering attention and he leaned forward some in his curiosity. 

"Oh yeah, who was that?"

Not expecting to have to explain himself, Alex blinked slowly and tried to latch back onto the train of thought that had derailed inside his skull; grasping at words and finally putting them back in place. 

"A guy I used to know, since we were kids, first grade. We were close, really close, right up until we had to move," the words held a hint of weariness at the memory of loss, "Silas-" 

Alex didn't get any further for a second because Justin very nearly laughed, apparently caught off guard. 

"Who the hell names their kid Silas? That's just cruel," he trailed off with an amused sound at the oddity of the name.

Alex had never thought about it but it was strange so far as names went, but that was hardly the point, "You want to know or not?"

"Yeah, tell me."

Justin turned his attention back to Alex, suddenly intensely curious all over again; it was rare to get much of anything personal out of the other teen and some story about his past was even more unexpected. Then, somewhere in his brain Justin shoved a few connections together and came to a resounding conclusion.

"Wait, is this the guy you were talking about in the hospital?" Justin perked up with that questioning expression, "Was he your boyfriend?"

"Why are you so fixated on my sexuality," Alex muttered in a frustrated tone before he lost grip of the emotion and it escaped him, leaving him only to sigh. "But yes, he was, for a while."

"That one didn't work out either, it could have maybe, but long distance wasn't going to work for either of us," Alex frowned at the memory, "So that makes...four relationships I've failed out in life. Jess, him and two girlfriends; and that's been in the span of the last four years or so. My track record is great at this point."

"You couldn't help having to move," Justin pointed out in what he hoped was a show of support; he didn't like the weariness that surfaced when Alex blamed himself for things. "You're doing better than me; I've had more than that and here I am, again."

Alex tried to recall a point when he hadn't seen Justin in the hallways with a new girl at his side; it had been such a typical sight that he had tuned it out over time up to the point of the sting of seeing him with Jess. 

"After seeing some the girls you've dated I'm not shocked."

"Thanks for that commentary on my personal life, Standall, I want you to know how important your opinion is and how it's going to change my entire view of relationships now."

It was Justin's turn to be deadpan but he could only hold to it a moment before that bemused smile edged back over his lips and Alex sighed again, for a different reason; that damn smile was just so bright. 

If he wanted to be entirely honest with himself Alex knew Justin was his best friend anymore, and most certainly, wise or not, one of the people he had come to depend on the most. It was difficult to be that close to someone without feeling that nagging deeper edge of attachment. Alex knew to push it aside, he didn't want some strange awkwardness between them, but as much as he trusted Justin it was hard not to sink into that comfortable familiarity around him. 

Or it could have been the drugs; saving grace being that he could still blame that. 

"You alive in there Standall?"

"What?" Alex blinked, unaware that he had been sitting blankly for several moments, lifting a hand to scrub at one of his eyes, "Yeah, fine, just feel like I'm half asleep."

"Told you this stuff was good."

“Yeah,” Alex trailed off in agreement, letting his thoughts wander back to that hazy spot where very little made sense but he couldn’t bring himself to be troubled over it. 

Falling deeper and deeper into the warmth, the buzz that had calmed his stomach and his racing mind; he refused to admit it but Justin was right about it relaxing him. Until later, at any rate, when he had to spend the evening evading his father under the paranoia that the man would suspect some possibility of drugs, one more thing to disapprove of but ultimately dismiss and hide away for the sake of not wanting to see anything wrong. 

No responsibility; for some reason though Alex had never been happy with the way his father made so many attempts to wash away his little transgressions.

He couldn’t even bring himself to worry about it at that point; the smothering haze warmed him from the inside out and urged his eyelids to fall, to drift into that mindless state.


	18. Chapter 18

“I _can’t_ do this,” Alex’s voice had hit that certain pitch that instinctively made Justin want to edge out of the room, but it was also the one that was a clear signal that he couldn’t even entertain doing that. And the blonde was nothing short of livid, fingers paler with the tight grip on the neck of the guitar and his free hand practically shaking with anger, or perhaps simply shaking in general and that was more the issue; Justin couldn’t fully tell with Alex in that state.

Truthfully it scared him on some level and he fell to comparing Alex’s fits of razor-sharp frustration to points when he had suffered the tension in his own home; of course, the impulse was to dart and flee when that feeling spiked up. It twisted deep in his stomach and kicked Justin out of any sense of calm he might have been lingering in, left the world raw and unnerving to face. He had hoped, time and again, that the ‘temporary’ issue of Alex’s unstable emotions would be very temporary but the months had proven that wrong; they struck with seemingly no sense to them and even less predictability. And hardly just his own wariness over them, in the aftermath Alex himself always seemed so upset at his own lack of control. 

“What’s wrong?” He had to ask, had to give Alex something to lash out at before he turned it all inward. 

“What’s _wrong_ ,” Alex repeated with a low growl that was entirely unlike the other teen, “What do you think is wrong? I can’t even _play_ my damn guitar between my eyes being screwed up and my hand twitching when it gets tired.”

It was a woefully tense moment and Alex was glaring at the instrument with such anger that for a second Justin debated taking it away from him to make certain he didn’t do something he would regret later; like smashing it. 

When he only dropped it, roughly, to the bed and stalked away Justin breathed a sigh of relief but that storm hadn’t calmed yet so he kept silent and watched Alex pace the floor restlessly; step by circling step.

Alex’s first actual trip to the therapist had been to the tune of reclaiming his old life for normality; the encouragement to go back to his guitar since Alex had always found some peace in it had seemed like a good one at the time but the physical issues were proving more of a hindrance than expected. And Justin felt helpless; there was no way he could fix any of the things wrong with Alex, no way he could do anything but feel bad for his struggles; life seemed entirely unfair at that moment.

“It’s like muscle memory, right?” Justin recalled the term, vaguely, from some class, “Maybe you just need to practice a while to get it back?”

The look Alex gave him told Justin in no uncertain terms his dark opinion on that matter. 

“I don’t know,” tempted to throw his hands up in defeat, Justin only grasped at straws, “It’s better than getting pissed off about it.”

 

For an instant he was mostly certain Alex was going to lash out physically at him but the blonde latched on to some sense of clarity and only grumbled under his breath. Planting himself at his desk with a low sound; eyes narrowed in that lingering frustration, his teeth gritted. “What would you suggest I do instead? Go run off to the park and get high again? Forget this isn’t all fucked up?” 

“I don’t think you forgot that even when you were high,” Justin countered with a shake of his head and earned a scoff of thin amusement from the other teen, it was fleeting and dissolved into a long and drawn out breath that ended in yet another tired sound. 

“I’m running out of movies to distract you with.”

 

At Justin’s words Alex shot the brunette yet another sharp look for it before he slumped in the chair some. It was a cycle; tension, frustration and then exhaustion, over and over again and Alex was so worn out with the fact that he couldn’t even control his emotions when they flickered up to an intensity that felt abnormal. A stranger inside his own skull; it was so impossible to get anyone around him to understand what it felt like.

 

“It’s okay man.” Justin had moved from the far side of the room while Alex had been distracted with his thoughts, felt the hand grip his shoulder lightly and he was tempted at first to push it away but there was some comfort to be found there so he didn’t argue. Small comforts felt resounding anymore, everything felt like someone had turned the pitch up around him until the world was too vivid. 

“I’m starving,” Alex finally mumbled as the edge of anxiety began to ebb to a degree he could manage and his stomach unknotted itself enough to protest how much he had neglected it all day. That much was becoming a bad habit when he was too wary of the aches and pains of stress to want to eat, it had to be obvious when even Justin kept giving him looks when he barely managed more than a few bites at meals. 

“You wanna raid the kitchen or go find real food?” 

“I…yeah, let’s go somewhere,” Alex finally relented to the idea. Leaving the house was still a stubborn wall to fight but if he didn’t start trying to that wall was only going to get so large and looming that it would topple and bury him. He had to return to school after the break, had to face down people he knew that would give him pitying looks now, had to force himself to do all the things he loathed that came with recovery. Compared to all of that it couldn’t have been difficult to leave the house for a few hours, in theory.

 

 

The first actual meal Alex had outside of hospital food and his mother’s cooking and the two teens found themselves staring down the plastic menus in their hands at a local pizza joint. Justin was not about to complain since food was food and there was a wonderful sort of appeal to all the greasy, delicious allure in such a simple idea. Alex’s mom could cook, no doubt, but sometimes it was too hard to resist the amazing pull of food that was so bad for you and how it always tasted so good. 

It had been a surprise that Alex had wanted to visit the restaurant when they could have ordered a pizza just as easily, but it was close and it was technically out of the house so maybe that was as far as he was willing to venture into the idea; small steps were better than stumbles backward. 

“Any ideas?” Reading the menu had begun to stir up a headache behind his eyes and Alex was frustrated over how easily that happened, unable to trust his sight to focus correctly at times on the right side and he had all but given up on his depth perception staying consistent. It was somewhat of a subtle plea at directions because narrowing his eyes to read the endless lists of options had started to make him dizzy.

“Not really, since you’re paying,” Justin replied with his usual lazy humor, glancing over the top of his menu at the staring contest the blonde was having with his own. 

“Yeah, because someone doesn’t have a job,” Alex automatically retorted, lacking any bite to the words and only barely glancing up to return the look.

Justin shrugged and chuckled, “I have a job. I babysit you and that’s more than full time.” 

“And now I hate you again,” Alex lifted an eyebrow in what most people would have thought to be a deadpan show of annoyance but Justin had learned to read him too well, knew it was a playful jab more than anything. “You have a talent for almost being pleasant to be around and then opening your mouth to talk.”

“You’re so charming yourself.” Justin countered with that grin slipping back across his lips as he reached to give Alex’s menu a light flick and send it bouncing, causing the other teen to blink and roll his eyes at the childish gesture. But it did earn the smallest hint of a smile and that was reason enough. 

 

Twenty minutes later and mid-bite of what had to be the best pepperoni pizza Justin had tasted in months, Alex was talking about school and how miserable it was going to be going back to see everyone there after what had happened. While he really could only offer a sympathetic nod now and then when it came to that much, and interject at points that their friends really weren’t going to look at Alex differently than before, Justin couldn’t say honestly if he knew how it was going to all fall. Things had changed, there was no denying that, and probably not for the better, but compared to all the other chaos around them maybe it was still something survivable. 

“It’s not that long anyway,” another bite swallowed and a pause to speak, “you’ll catch back up by the end of the summer and you’ll still graduate on time.” 

“Hopefully,” Alex had been thinking it over and wondering how quickly he could make up those few months gone. It was possible, but headaches and other issues were going to make it even more difficult. “Probably won’t be going back to jazz band, not exactly going to make it on the basketball team either no matter how much my dad thinks I might. Not that I really wanted to.” 

It wasn’t any surprise, it had gone unspoken but they both knew some things would change. The basketball team had never really even been a goal, but hearing Alex give up on something he actually enjoyed struck a raw spot in Justin and he reached across the table to give the blonde’s arm a slight nudge. “You don’t know that yet.”

Rather than dash those misplaced hopes Alex only shook his head in amusement and gave Justin that much, he didn’t argue; hard to argue really when it was against the idea of someone trying to make you feel better. 

“Yeah, well, you still going to get that sports scholarship or what?” Alex slid the subject away from himself as easily as he pushed his plate back with the tension in his stomach rising and declaring in no uncertain terms he was done with the meal. 

“I better,” Justin pointed out with a weak laugh, “Otherwise I really am going to be living at your house until you go to college.” 

Alex could help but laugh too, not so much at the idea of Justin being there given how familiar his presence was but more in Justin’s determination to stay there until he was gone himself. Of course, Justin’s plan was to stay, the guy had already started working himself into the whole family dynamic. His father liked Justin, liked the image he represented of normality and the popular high school kid, liked him because he was what the man wanted so much for Alex to be able to do when it came to fitting in so easily. And his mom, she just liked Justin because she was a mom, she wanted to take care of him, and Alex was certain on some level his mom understood that as strange as their friendship was he and Justin both needed it. While he could have felt uncomfortable over how Justin was settling into his home, with his family, he really didn’t; somehow it made everything else easier to handle. 

“So you decided your plan was to live off me until I’m gone somewhere else. Planning to go to college with me too?” 

“Not off, with,” Justin corrected cheerfully and glanced back at Alex, for a brief second there was some doubt in his expression that the blonde instantly felt regret over joking about. 

Of course, it was a stupid thing to say; Justin had apparently spent most of his life being abandoned in one way or another. He knew how to survive, he knew how to move on, he didn’t really grasp the idea of what it felt like to be wanted somewhere unless he was offering the person something in return. Until that point, it hadn’t actually occurred to Alex that in some ways Justin was very likely skirting the idea of the situation being a paler shadow of what he had depended on with Bryce in the past. 

The idea made Alex feel suddenly very ill. 

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.” He amended his thoughtless words and offered that almost smile in hopes it would smooth the rough edges, “Somebody has to keep me from walking into walls.”

“Like I said; it’s a full-time job.” Justin was quick to agree, if only to shake off the cloud of uneasiness that had been threatening to take up space between them.

“And there’s that charm again, I don’t know how you do it.” 

 

 

Once the conversation had returned to lighter topics; the most resounding being what movie Alex wanted to watch later that evening and Justin’s protests to, yet another, dark and dismal story that was as confusing as it was droning. Not every movie could be about jocks or sex jokes, Alex had countered and only gotten an affirmation that the good ones were. The banter bounced back and forth and slowly the tension in the pit of his stomach untangled itself, Alex was relaxed once more by the time they were interrupted without warning beyond a yell of Justin’s name across the restaurant and the sudden appearance that went with it. 

Alex had regarded Zach evenly when he approached, since the hospital he had been far more determined to give him more of a chance. There was actual kindness under the defensive edges, not easy to see, but Alex had figured out by that point how many people needed walls to hide behind. It wasn’t right but it was human and he hadn’t been the most understanding person himself in some cases; trying with Zach was better than pushing people away. 

“Hey, you look like you again,” Zach had smiled at Alex when he approached their table and while he didn’t get close enough to touch the other teen his presence was still a friendly one, and Alex was actually grateful to have a little space when he felt so easily boxed in lately. “With the hair and everything.” 

“Yeah, back to nuclear blonde,” Alex agreed and his eyes swung to Justin in search of some direction in the conversation; he and Zach weren’t familiar enough that conversation came easily. 

“You sneak out of the house when your mom wasn’t looking?” Justin spoke up, happy enough to reclaim the conversation as he pushed the chair next to him in Zach’s direction, “Thought they only let you out on the weekends.”

“One of mom’s old friends is getting married so she’s in Vegas for the week with them, and grandma took May; I’m a free man all week.” Zach declared as he sank into the chair and hooked an elbow on the back of it. “You guys should come over tonight; I’m not doing anything and it’s boring around there alone.”

“Your mom’s friend is having a week-long bachelorette party?” Justin tried to fathom that much excess and it was beyond him, “Eh, sounds great, depends on what Alex wants to do though.” 

Alex came close to twitching at the words because that was just the nicest way to put pressure on him, wasn’t it? Leave the decision up to him, sitting there looking at the both of them and feeling like the odd one out. It was hard enough to fit into the social dynamic at school, and that had been his own efforts. The obvious answer was yes, of course, even if he didn’t feel up to it, because expectations were always the weight of things. He knew if he suggested Justin go without him it was likely the other teen would shrug it off and decline the offer, but it wasn’t fair having to be the one to decide for everyone. 

“Yeah, I guess it’s okay.” Alex finally agreed, stubborn determination falling into place with the conviction that he could manage something that simple. 

 

He almost wished it had been harder to convince his parents of the idea; one short phone call and his mom was thrilled he was spending time with friends, his father carefully indifferent about the matter and hesitant to get his hopes up. Spared the uneasiness of explaining he had medicine he had to pick up at home, thankfully Justin suggested they meet back at Zach’s house instead of going there directly, Alex was still feeling a bit annoyed at himself for getting caught up in the moment enough to agree as he shoved the bottles into the dusty backpack he hadn’t pulled out of the closet since he’d been at school. 

“You ready?” Justin appeared in the doorway, tossing clothes into the bag along with Alex’s things and slowing to a stop for a moment, “You okay? If you’re getting sick I’ll just call Zach and tell him we’ll come by tomorrow maybe.”

That stubborn streak flared again and Alex shook his head at the words, pulling the zipper on the bag shut, “I’m fine, just a little dizzy from the ride.”

It was a lie, an obvious lie, but one they both navigated around for the sake of avoiding the awkward tension. 

“Let’s just go before I end up throwing up in the car.”

“That makes this all sound like such a great idea,” Justin watched the blonde shoulder the bag and stalk off towards the door of that bedroom, not sure if he should have protested the idea or not. By the time he had given it much thought Alex had already disappeared down the hall and left him to catch up.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Good moments are fleeting, better to grasp them while you can.

“S’how long have you and Alex been a thing?”

“What?” Justin coughed, getting a bit choked up the soda in his hands at the question and rolling his eyes towards the hallway Alex had disappeared down a few moments prior to throw something away in the nearby kitchen.

“Don’t take it that way,” Zach quickly added with a lift of his hands in a show of harmless intent, “Not judging it, I was just curious. If it’s good for both of you I’m glad you’re good, I just didn’t know. I always sort of figured but I wasn’t going to say anything.”

“You always figured what?” Justin managed to get the coughing under control and sat there staring at Zach in obvious confusion. He set the half-empty glass on the table next to the couch because he didn’t want to suffer the end result of Zach’s mom getting angry over something spilled. “We’re just friends, man, it’s not like that.”

“How is it not like that? I thought you were, you know, on a date or something earlier.” 

“No,” Justin stumbled over the word when he spoke, too fast, he and Zach had been friends for years and as much trouble as many people had with getting close to Zach because of his walls they had always had an easy sort of connection. He’d thought Zach understood a lot about him that other people didn’t see but he never expected his friend to assume he was dating a guy. Not that…Justin found the idea terrible, it just had never really crossed his mind as much than a fleeting notion. 

And it was Alex, his best friend, he wasn’t just any guy. 

“Sorry, I just thought since you’ve been spending all your time with him lately and the two of you looked so comfortable back at the restaurant; it’s weird seeing Alex like that with anybody other than when he was with Jessica.” Zach wasn’t disappointed, exactly, but he had been a small degree hopeful for the sake of how things had gotten better since Justin had gotten away from Bryce and was spending more time with Alex. He missed the old Justin so far as the parties and having a drinking, or smoking, buddy more than the occasional time he had with Justin anymore but seeing his friend happy and actually out of that daze was worth missing those things. Justin had probably only gotten better because he had to keep Alex on his feet but Zach knew him well enough to know that Justin was always at his best when he was thinking of someone else. Misguided as he could be in it now and then, trying to hard to protect people in the wrong ways, he was earnest and honestly a better person when he had someone to care about. 

And someone to care about him was the biggest part of what Justin wanted, Zach knew it, what he needed went beyond the friendship he could offer him and it had been more than once that he’d hoped Justin would pull himself back together after everything with Jessica. That point had come with Alex, or at least that’s what Zach had assumed. 

“Shh, stop, you can’t say that,” Justin nearly hissed at him with a wary glance back towards the hallway, “You know how bad everything would get screwed up if he even wondered if I thought about him like that? He’s dealing with enough right now, seriously man; he doesn’t need things awkward. We’re friends, it’s good.”

“Yeah, friends, I get it.” Zach agreed for the sake of calming Justin down but he wasn’t sure why he was so upset over it in the first place. It was like Jessica all over again, watching his friend so desperate to keep things steady and calm over…what? The possibility of losing someone? It was painful to watch, and entirely to the contrary of Justin’s words it only really made Zach wonder how much Justin was willing to sweep aside to keep Alex in his life. After Jessica, he had seen his friend become even more determined to cling to the people around him but Justin had a habit of doing it in all the wrong ways out of simply not knowing any better than pretending that things never changed and anything uncomfortable could be ignored if it all stayed peaceful. 

Zach had hoped that habit had gone away.

 

By the time Alex had returned Justin had gone silent and was staring at the movie on the television screen, the blonde sidestepping Zach to slump on the couch at Justin’s opposite side. There was an instant of silent questioning to his expression because something was…off and it was obvious, but thankfully Alex looked too worn to dredge up the conversation and only shuffled into a more comfortable position and left it unsaid. 

A few hours, and a few beers on Zach and Justin’s part later, and the trio had made their way through the movie and a few rounds of video games before Justin had declared himself too tired to keep going since even Alex was beating him by that point. He had very little doubt Alex had been suffering a headache in silence since the start of the evening but didn’t mention it, not wanting to make him uncomfortable in front of Zach. But all in all the evening had been a surprisingly good one; Zach had nudged Alex out of that reclusive shell a bit and the blonde had spent much of the night laughing like he had before everything had fallen apart. It was about the best Justin could have hoped for having his friends together and very little to worry about, but even he was getting worn down. 

Once Zach had climbed up from the couch, stretching and yawning, Justin had grabbed a pillow off it and tossed it to the floor, earning a perplexed look. “You planning on sleeping on the floor?”

“You want me to be creepy and sleep in your little sister’s room?” Justin countered with a roll of his eyes, “Floor doesn’t bother me.”

“I can sleep on the floor,” Alex suggested because he was not, in fact, incapable of it and didn’t want to be treated like he was.

Zach just shook his head to the both of them and made a vague motion to the side of the couch as he stepped away. “It does fold out.”

“What?” Justin sat up and just stared at him for a long moment, “I’ve been staying with you for years and you never told me the couch folds out.”

By that point, Alex was laughing, finding it very amusing, as was Zach, so Justin had to finally admit defeat with a  humored sound as he reached to toss that pillow back at his friend. 

 

Not long after Zach had gone to bed, the house was unnervingly silent and all Justin could hear was the slow draw and exhale of Alex’s breathing from the other corner of that fold-out bed. He lay with his arms tucked behind his head under the pillow, staring at the ceiling unable to calm his thoughts enough to fully rest. He felt entirely foolish because there was no grand and sudden spark of discovery in the moment, no, but Zach’s words were nagging at him even in the silence. Justin hardly expected life to be like some afterschool special where the main character suddenly comes to terms with all their hidden desires so it was equally frustrating that that tiny nudge was still kicking around inside his skull and how natural it felt. 

He wasn’t sure desire was the right word when it came to Alex. 

Comfort, that was an easy one; Alex was very much his main source of comfort in the world. Attraction, sure…Alex was attractive and it was hardly anything outlandish for Justin to be attracted to his friends with as deeply as he felt connected to those he grew close to. But desire was some level he hardly understood; there were trappings to it that were so unfamiliar. It had felt very simple when the idea that he would spend his time with Alex had just been something that fell into an easy pace but Zach had stirred up questions as to why that was. 

He glanced to the side, smiling a little at the sight of the blond so peaceful with his face half buried in the pillow and eyelids heavy, the thin line of his shoulder so relaxed in that haze of dreams. Seeing Alex with his guards down and lost in that state was something that held a certain sort of passive comfort itself. Any night where Alex through without tossing and turning or muttering those disconnected words in his sleep was a victory, any evening where rest won out to what had to be dozens of anxious feelings the other teen struggled with was one Justin felt all the more at ease himself. He had noticed too many things lately; it wasn’t just the hair that was back, it was some of that old energy, the witty retorts had begun to fill the conversations between them again and that was the most attractive thing about the blond. 

Alex was brilliant in his own way, Justin could hardly keep up in the past with the blond’s sharp words and swift banter. He managed it better when he wasn’t high, yes, but knowing that Alex was reaching the point of tripping him up verbally again meant he was finally winning some of those mental battles. There were others too; some of the razor angles that had occupied Alex’s form had begun to soften just enough to finally look healthy again, his ever-present dark circles a hue lighter, his intense blue eyes a shade brighter. Justin felt like he was, finally, watching his friend begin to come back to life in slow degrees. Captivating to study, Justin only found it more and more distracting.    

Well, maybe desire wasn’t too far-fetched actually. 

Misplaced though, Justin sighed and forced his eyes to drop shut; he may have been overthinking it far too much. He might have just missed people, the drastic cut of his social life to a narrow scope left him only focused on Alex. It could have been that simple but it didn’t feel that way and Justin hated having to delve too deeply into things. Instincts had always served him better but his instincts had only pushed him closer to Alex; as foolish as it felt to fight that the logic of knowing how easily it might have been to lose his friend to the wrong words or actions was even more unnerving. 

Too much thinking, entirely, Justin tried to sink into dreams and the refuge of them; he needed that break from his uncharacteristically heavy thoughts. 

 

Alex woke with light streaming from bay windows he didn’t know across his face and the sensation of flickered panic threatening to spark up; nothing was familiar and he couldn’t remember where he was. When he shifted to sit up there was an arm in his way, or rather draped across him in a lazy sort of way that made him blink, only gradually did it come back and that tension started to lose grip. Zach’s house; the evening before came bad in little ebbs of memory, awareness in waves. And that arm was connected to a person, Justin specifically, and the conversation in the past over a similar event came back to Alex as well. A different conversation, different time, he should have expected as much since he already knew Justin’s lack of respect for personal space in his sleep. 

Brow furrowed at first, Alex came to the conclusion that it wasn’t bad, it was a lazy and lulling sort of feeling. He didn’t bother to move, lingering between sleep and being awake, thoughts quickly degrading back into the haze of rest that the warmth of the blanket and that solid presence in that small space offered. It was only when Justin shifted and his nose bumped into the back of Alex’s skull, waking the brunette, that Alex himself came back to some shaky coherence. 

“Hn, still sleeping.” Justin trailed off in a voice barely above a murmur and the tone, lethargic and heavy, struck some nerve that made the blond just so slightly twitch. 

Alex’s eyes drifted open with the feel of Justin’s hand settling across him, the contact feeling far more intimate than he was prepared for. Finger didn’t bypass the fabric of his t-shirt but even resting against ribs he could feel the weight of Justin’s hand along the ridges of his sides. He couldn’t really focus on much else and that was entirely frustrating, entirely unfair as well.  
Frustration had become a sidebar to Alex's life anymore, he certainly didn't need unsteady little twinges on top of everything else. 

“How skinny are you, man?” Justin mumbled in a humored, hazy tone, giving an experimental little tap at one of those ribs as an accent to the words.   
The subtle vibration was almost lulling, Alex felt his heavy lids drop barely shut with something of a sigh over how comfortable he could have been right then if he would have allowed himself to be. 

“Well, it was a nice morning until you opened your mouth.”

 

“M’sorry.” The reply came in the form of a trailing laugh and his hand spread back out, distracting Alex with that light pressure. “Warm though, don’t want to get up yet.” 

Alex couldn’t really argue it, probably not until later when he was outside the moment and looking back with scrutiny rather than the mild daze of comfortable sensations. “Yeah, but we’re in Zach’s house and it’s weird enough that you’re using me as a pillow without it being a spectators' sport.”

“Zach’s fine with it.” Justin drawled, eyes still firmly shut in the refusal of the morning light and the idea of facing it. “He’ll be out until afternoon anyway.”

There was apparently logic to the situation that Justin, shockingly, possessed which Alex did not; maybe trusting that logic wasn’t the wisest idea. Tempted to roll his eyes, Alex came to the conclusion that it was better to ignore the battle for the time being and allow that sluggish haze to settle over his still-tired mind. It was nice though, that fleeting instant of waking up feeling less alone than when he had sunk into sleep.    
Maybe Justin was becoming too familiar a part of his life, a stable spot that made everything else feel rooted and comfortable, maybe the fact that he tried so hard was beginning to mean something. Alex couldn’t have that struggle with himself right then, not with sleep begging him to come back to empty peace. 

But he was still going to have it out with Justin later if he woke up to the sound of Zach giving them both hell. 


	20. Chapter 20

Alex might have been wrong in his own convictions, thinking it would have been miserable to suffer Zach’s teasing the following day because when none of that happened everything just went back to the same paces as they had been prior and something was almost...disappointing in it. 

Alex hadn’t wanted drama, exactly, but just a mention of that new shift between them that evening might have put him at ease. It was as if waking up next to Justin had only been some detail cast aside and forgotten and the more Alex considered it the more he came to the conclusion that for Justin it was simply that. 

Of course it was, Justin was at ease with people in ways that Alex could not be, so the idea of settling in warm in the presence of another person was just another comfort for him. For the better part of two days, Alex mentally berated himself for trying to read anything into an otherwise empty moment. 

There was plenty enough to carry on through day by day as it was, putting the odd feelings aside was very likely for the best and a pattern emerged of doctors and therapy, passive afternoons and normality. The only real difference from what Alex had known in the past, once his parents had decided he was well enough for his mother not to be lingering at home to keep check on him, was Justin’s presence in the house. 

Justin, sprawling on the living room couch while they watched a movie, or wandering into the kitchen when they ate meals, manning the driver’s seat of Alex’s car while he still wasn’t allowed to do so himself, and most perplexing of all was Justin still sleeping on the floor of his bedroom in spite Peter’s room being empty for him. 

It was that one tiny detail that kept tripping Alex up; Justin blending into his life in every other way except his refusal to leave Alex in the bedroom to fight his nightmares alone. Or perhaps afraid if he did Alex would somehow find a reason to harm himself all over again. 

It was raining the evening that Alex himself decided to put a stop to it.

Not just raining, in fact, but pouring buckets outside, making Alex wary the power might short out at any moment. He had already fielded calls from his father, working an extra shift because of the storms causing wrecks around town, and his mother apologizing for already having to work all night; it wasn’t as though he was afraid anything bad was bound to happen when he and Justin were well outside the reach of the pounding storm. 

The movie had been Justin’s idea to pass the time, being too lazy to leave the bed had been Alex’s and the compromise had been the both of them occupying the bed with laptop in hand, debating what movie. 

“It’s pouring outside, that’s when you watch scary movies.” Justin had protested, half afraid he was in for yet another round of Donnie Darko; it was practically embedded in his memory by that point and while he was usually willing to go through it for Alex’s sake the blonde hardly looked like he was in any sort of disarray that evening.

Alex was less eager to agree to the idea but finally gave in, under the stipulation that it was nothing campy, because as good as B movies were if they were going to watch scary he expected actually scary. There was only so much the internet, and the half a dozen or so movie subscription channels the Standall family had, could offer. So by the time Justin had returned from the kitchen with popcorn, which Alex promptly rolled an eye towards, the opening scene of some movie Justin had never watched was rolling out in full gore-laced, bloody glory.    
Complete with torture devices and creepy puppets no less, as the next half hour of the movie passed with Alex in a passively content state and Justin making faces at the more disgusting parts of the film. 

“How do you enjoy this? I’m starting to wonder if it’s safe to sleep in the same room as you,” Justin mused from over the edge of the pillow he had sunk down to the bed with, only barely an excuse to avert his eyes from time to time.    
He wasn’t afraid, no, but his tolerance for all the blood and guts had become decidedly less since Alex’s hospital stay and getting a small glimpse into what real wounds did to a person. 

Alex only mumbled in reply, too engrossed in the movie to give Justin his full attention, at least not until he’d considered the words. “You do have the option of sleeping in Peter’s room if you’re not happy to exist on the floor like my personal guard dog.” 

Trying to find the right way to ask why Justin had picked up the habit hadn’t been easy, and had been bothering Alex most of the day, so when it all but fell into his lap he had to take the chance. 

Justin remained silent for a long moment, too long, more than enough time for Alex to regret the words and what he might have just done by uttering them. But there was no taking them back, no smoothing it over with a shrug when it lay in the air between them. There was only the roll of Justin’s shoulders as he sat up to rest them against the wall the bed was against, pulling that half-eaten bowl of popcorn into his lap. 

“Yeah, I guess I just got used to it, first the hospital, then here,” Justin confessed with eyes set upon the laptop screen during the conversation. “It’s not like you lose your balance much anymore, you don’t really need anybody here as much.” 

Alex was tempted to point out the reason he wasn’t as anxious at night now was because he wasn't waking up to an empty room all alone but already he felt as though words had dug the hole he found himself in. 

The rain drummed heavy on the roof and flashed lighting outside the windows, someone on the laptop screamed through a bloody death and silence filed that space as the clock ticked away moments in a mocking way.    
Alex frowned, finally, lifting a hand to shove through his hair even though it wasn’t long enough to be in his eyes anymore. 

“So you just planned to sleep on the floor forever?”

“Only until you left for college,” Justin quickly countered, earning a chuckle that turned into a scowl when he bounced a piece of popcorn off Alex’s shoulder, “I figure then I’d get the bed.”

“Says the person who's already spent half the night in my bed.” 

Well, Alex did have a point, even if there was a slight skew to the logic, but Justin was perfectly happy to run with it while the opportunity was there. 

“Planning on letting me stay in your bed tonight Standall?” 

“Not now,” Alex replied matter-of-factly, forcing Justin to blink as he realized the joke wasn’t entirely one as the blonde continued, “I don’t see how that’s any different than sleeping on the couch at Zach’s place, or at the hospital.” 

It was different though, different circumstances, Justin wanted to argue that but, as usual, Alex was more flat to the point than himself. Of course, Alex was also more emotional and quick to anger since that hospital stay but some parts of his recovery were slower than others. 

“I can always kick you out if you get on my nerves.”

True, Justin had to admit there was logic there too, and he decided not to push his luck with that much. As it was the prospects of not sleeping on that carpet were far more appealing so he didn’t want to test Alex’s sudden generosity. 

“You wouldn’t kick me out, then you’d be stuck watching your disgusting movie all by yourself,” Justin decided to take advantage of the offer right then and there by setting the bowl off to the side on the ground and stretching himself out in the space between Alex’s side of the bed and the wall. One arm tucked behind his head, eyes tipped upward towards the ceiling as he relaxed, Justin stretched and sank like a lazy cat in the sunlight. 

Alex only shook his head, not expecting such a literal claiming of his personal space, but he should have known better. 

By the time the movie had ended and the killer, who Alex had insisted wasn’t really all that bad because he had good reasoning, had gotten away and left the cops trapped in another game Justin had grown hazy listening to the sound of the rain.    
The amount of shuffling and shifting Alex did under the claim that he was getting ready to sleep seemed excessive but Justin left him to it and promptly set to stretching out over more of that bed while the other teen had roamed off to change into more comfortable clothes for the evening. 

His eyes were already closed so he only heard the click of the light switch before feeling weight shift on the mattress, barely much at that, marking Alex’s return.    
And more shifting and pawing around at sheets and pillows; Justin finally popped one eye open to watch the dim outline of Alex sitting in the darkness as he tried to work out a comfortable spot. 

“What? Let me guess...you’re not used to sharing a bed with anybody.” Justin didn’t need to ask, given how obvious it was.

“And you are, right?” The retort lacked bite though, Alex was peering at him in the bare light cast from the windows and the storm outside.

“Yeah,” Justin propped an elbow to the bed and moved to his side to give Alex more room, “It’s not a big deal, you get used to it. I even shared one with my mom for a while when I was seven or whatever, our apartment was really small then.” 

Another tiny reminder of just how different their lives had been; for Justin it wasn’t anything at all and for Alex, it was something he’d never really allowed anyone close enough into his space to do so unless there was something meaningful between them.

He shouldn’t have let his thoughts stray there but couldn’t help remembering afternoons lying on that bed listening to Jess talk, staring at the wall and just taking in the sound of her voice back in the days before all the fighting. 

It wasn’t the same, it wasn’t Jess and warm little relationship moments, it was Justin and trying to get some sleep. 

Alex started to say goodnight but Justin was already asleep, not a care in the world apparently. 

 

Unfortunately, the peace didn’t last out the night, not with thoughts tumbling inside Alex’s skull while he slept; wordless and soundless feelings of anxiety crashing over him and trying to drown him, dragging him into what felt like a suffocating grave.

_ He wasn’t going to get better, wasn’t going to play his guitar anymore, would never drive, there would be no point in college and he’d spent all his luck just surviving; that was the best he was ever going to get. His friends would grow tired of dealing with it, his pauses now, his unsteadiness, that recovery would run everyone away.  _

_  
_ _ Even Justin would hit his breaking point, would leave him there alone.  _

 

He woke in a cold sweat, grabbing the sheets tightly and tense all over, only realizing again that he wasn’t the only one in that bed when his elbow smacked into something solid that earned a groan in the near darkness. 

The storm had faded and the clouds had made the street lights misty, he thought about fumbling for the light but was distracted when Justin spoke. 

“Alex? You okay?” Rubbing the newly sore spot at his jaw, it was possible to make out enough to tell Justin had sat up during that chaos. “What’s wrong?”

“Bad dream,” the mumble sounded thick and jumbled, words not coming out exactly right, they never did when he was stressed.

“Bad enough to get up, or do you want to go back to sleep?”

It could have gone either way and Justin knew it; rest or Alex up pacing the rest of the night while he listened to him grumble over those panic dreams. He was hopeful that it wouldn’t be one of those evenings, not when his body still felt sluggish and his thoughts were half-formed with the tug of sleep eating at them. 

Waving off the idea of moving, Alex mumbled again, too soft to be heard but Justin took it to mean sleep when the blonde started to lie back down. 

“Go back to sleep, I’m fine,” Alex snapped, loathing the fact that anyone was there to see him in that shaken state but Justin always was because Justin never left. Every time he looked around the other teen was somewhere nearby; the only exceptions were when he took a shower or was being prodded at by doctors or the therapist. 

It made no sense why that, of all things, sent a flicker of annoyance right through him like a hot needle digging under his skin but it did. Sometimes it took very little to hit the nerves, the real battle came in trying to control his own emotions anymore when they constantly broke; Alex had never felt the lack of control over himself that the last few months had saddled him with. 

“Why are you always here? Now I can’t even sleep without tripping over you.” 

As sharp as the words were Justin only let them roll off, he'd heard that tone too many times to let it sink in; Alex was upset for the sake of being upset and not knowing where to shove that anger.    
Rather than stir things worse Justin tucked an arm back under the pillow and let his eyes drift back shut to give Alex a moment to pull himself back together.    
And as expected the murmur came a few seconds later, “sorry man, just...woke up rough.” 

“Yeah, only you could have a panic attack in your sleep Standall, I didn’t even think that was possible.” 

Back to the last name, apparently, Alex only connected that Justin had called him by his first name after he’d gone back to the old habit instead; funny the things he noticed after the fact. 

“Are you doubting my ability to do whatever the hell I want?” 

It was a weak counter but the blonde’s head was pounding from the stress and his stomach was knotted all up, he didn’t have enough energy to offer anything wittier. The amused snort in reply was enough affirmation to smooth out the jagged edges though and a hint of peace began to settle back over the dark room.    
Alex stared into that near-blackness, the sky outside his window still clouded and deep into night, silvery street lights only cast ghosts over the room where he could catch hints of outlines; his abandoned guitar, laptop set off on the floor, the empty popcorn bowl tossed aside and a few soft edges of clothes here and there; enough to make Alex decide to grumbled at Justin in the morning about leaving his orderly room a mess. 

The morning was hours away though and Alex had little doubt he would still be up to see it crest, sleep had slipped out of his grasp very resolutely with that wave of nauseating tension that had jolted him awake.    
It just kept rolling, building rather than easing, twisting up inside him until Alex jerked back up to sit, shoulders high and rigid. 

Justin groaned, knowing that there was little choice but to sit up as well, to try to talk Alex back from that unsteady edge. A low murmur as he stretched, careful not to move enough to touch the blonde in his tense state. “Sleep not working, huh?” 

“Feels like my skull is going to split open, talking isn’t helping.” Alex’s voice hit the warning tone, hands twitching as he lifted them to press to his aching temples. Nails digging through the short-cropped strands, tiny indentations began to show against his skin as he pushed there, eyes narrowed in a glazed way that made Justin a little uneasy. 

The violent outbursts had all but dissolved with recovery, it hadn’t been since his hospital stay that Alex had fallen into the more unnerving aspects of his trauma, he hadn’t skirted the edge of self-harming past the incident with the mirror that had sent him into such a damning rage. So coming from seemingly nowhere made it all the more frightening watching him stiff, jaw clenched and nearly to the point of drawing blood under his nails. 

Cursing under his breath; it took Justin a moment to figure out what the mumbled drone of words Alex was trailing off in, barely able to hear the words, nearly incoherent.    
He’d been warned to be careful with those lapses, to keep some distance to avoid Alex lashing out when he wasn't fully coherent, but watching him in that state made Justin’s own stomach feel like lead in the very pit of it. 

“It’s okay man, “ he ventured as calmly as he could but his voice did nothing, long moments and still not a hint of change.    
Everything else be damned, Justin knew he couldn’t just sit there. 

He reached to snag hold of the blonde’s wrists to tug them away from where his fingers tangled in hair, afraid if he did it too quickly Alex would pull those strands out in heavy chunks. It’s disturbing how strong Alex is in that instant, how tight his pale fingers are, like iron that won’t bend.    
Finally, Justin managed to untangle Alex’s hands, leaving himself grasping those wrists and suddenly not sure what else to do other than shift his weight to carry the motion as he plants Alex’s hands firmly to the bed above his head. 

“Christ Standall...I think this is practically everything they told me to make sure I never do when this happens.”   
Firm contact, restraint, physical invasion of space; he could tick off the laundry list of things the therapist would tell him were wrong in how he’d reacted. 

But somehow it works, the sluggish blink of Alex’s lashes marked some coherence, the slowing of his erratic breathing as he lay motionless other than the track of his eyes towards Justin; it’s a more abrupt stop than in the past coming down from one of those attacks but enough to bring him out of it.    
Justin waited for Alex to speak first though, that much he does remember to do, to give him time to regain that verbal control. 

It’s several more moments before the words come, just a hint sarcastic amid how tired Alex’s voice sounds, “You can let go now, and feel free not to tell anyone about this because it just makes you look creepy.”

“Hey,” Justin managed a weak smile as his grip loosened, “if I’d known restraints calmed you down..that would have been useful information. Also, how am I the creepy one after that information?”

“Because you’re still doing it.” 

True, Alex had a point, and Justin finally let go and drew slightly back, humor turning to concern in his expression, “you good now?”

Nodding, trying to wave it off, Alex motioned back to the bed and sank down some himself, feeling that ache in his skull and that lingering sensation fo Justin’s hands around his wrists; the faintest little tingle there was what he didn’t know how to sort out. 

“I’m fine, lie back down.” 

The words were not ones to argue so Justin carefully fit himself back into the area between the blonde and the wall; in the past, Alex had either wanted nobody touching him after those episodes or he sought out the comfort of a familiar presence. Perhaps it wasn’t entirely right that Justin always hoped for the latter, both for Alex’s sake and his own when it came to being able to make sure the blonde was alright. For Justin it meant being able to touch a person, to know they were real and there and entirely whole; so when Alex allowed it there it was a feeling of ease. 

Right then Alex was decidedly passive, worn out perhaps, and Justin waited a few short seconds before reaching for his shoulder, relieved when the other teen didn’t draw away. Fingertips resting there, he listened to Alex’s breathing evening out and felt the roll of those shoulders, the unspoken acceptance as he shifted back to use the flat lines of Justin’s chest as a spot to rest against.   
With nothing else to do with his arm at that point, Justin let it drape across the bridge of Alex’s ribs, falling lower to his stomach when the other teen moved to find a more comfortable spot. 

That lull was warm and lingering, Alex found himself beginning to fall under the tug of that welcoming silence, broken only by the steady in and out of Justin’s breathing. He listened to the subtle sound, letting it wash over his senses and relax his frazzled nerves the way it had before in the hospital, and later on during that lazy morning at Zach’s house.    
Counting each breath one by one in his head, Alex felt the wave of sleep starting to blanket back over him, broken only by the twitch of his stomach, sore from the tension of that panic attack. 

“Move your hand,” he mumbled to urge Justin to slid his palm up instead, the pressure feeling uncomfortable at his strained stomach muscles.    
Justin took it to mean something else though, it seemed, as nodded in lazy agreement and slipped his hand to the curve of a hip socket instead, fingertips tracing the dip there. 

Alex’s eyes popped open with a roll because of course, Justin took that suggestion as some strange invitation. “Not what I meant Foley.”

“Hmn? What?” Yawning, there was a second where Justin froze with the words, fingers barely tapping against the fabric of Alex’s pants. “Not okay?” 

“Not a thinly veiled invitation to feel me up,” Alex clarified, even though he hadn’t moved yet either. “Don’t tell me you watch too many of those movies where dark, rainy nights mean making out.” 

He could nearly feel when Justin grinned, humor but nonetheless, a full-fledged grin, even if it was a sleepy one. “Well, I hadn’t but it sounds like you have. Some dirty little secret Standall?”

Alex rolled a shoulder back to toss an elbow lightly against Justin’s ribs for the comment, lacking his usual bite before he stretched back out, ignoring the groaning protest from the other side of the bed. 

“So you’re saying I need a better one than it being dark, stormy, alone and you feeling like hell after you have a panic attack as an excuse to feel you up.” Justin offered, hand lifted from that spot it had occupied a moment before. “Not that I was feeling you up in the first place.”

“Go to sleep,” Alex retorted, the words almost hesitant for a moment, weighing that uncertainty over the words. Justin was always there but it wasn’t only that; Justin was always there. He had no idea why he was so damn loyal but it was a constant. 

  
That wasn’t a reason to throw a wrench into their friendship now that it had finally turned into more than just snarking remarks at each other in passing.    
He made so many mistakes, still waiting for the one that drove Justin away and left him struggling alone; just one wrong move.

“Yeah, noted.” Justin couldn’t stifle another yawn as he moved to turn to his other side, stopped in an instant when a hand snapped up to his wrist to pull him back into that spot, just with that arms draped across the blonde’s chest rather than lower.

  
He caught the edge of that look of relief in his being there though as Alex settled back down, even if the blonde tried to hide it. 


End file.
